Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money, I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it. Times were hard.

I've just angered a lot of the fishing community with my persistent bait wasting. I seem to have opened a huge can of worms.

If you have two middle names, you have no middle names.

I wore a new shirt with the barcode still on it. I was wondering why everyone kept checking me out.

I’d like to say congratulations to all the people asking me what my favourite Cliff Richard song is.

Today's Dull Fact: Edinburgh is west of Bristol. #Fact

OK, come in then.

Cold, but the hounds love it.

Why was I such a bad travel agent? Don’t even go there!

I ordered 24 ring binders. They sent me a box of Imodium.

My girlfriend and I decided we don’t want to have children. We will be telling them tonight.

#Fact: Sheffield Wednesday FC are so called because they play their home matches in Sheffield.

I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

Winter is here. Beef stew and dumplings.

Pope Sixtus: ‘I’m leaving all the walls in my new church blank so nothing can distract me from my prayer. I want a pristine chapel.’ Michaelangelo: ‘Oh shit!’

Why should you never use your left hand to clean your teeth? Because you should use a toothbrush.

Is it spelt "dyed" or "died"? Either way, I'm afraid your cat is a different colour. And not alive.

Today's Fun #Fact - Big Ben sounds the note of E.

Well, you know, East Anglia is not too shabby.

These scotch people eh? #scotland #scoden #worldcup Come on you men in skirts. 😀

Today's Dull #Fact Kent is the only single syllable county in England.

There has been some good news for the burglar who fell inside a combine harvester while on the run last week. His family said he’ll soon be out on bale.

Brian Wilson must have had some bloody weird-sounding pets.

Superman had good feet because he always wore Clark's shoes.

My girlfriend and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. She is digging in her heels.

“Would you like some more wine?” “Yes please.” “Say when…” “Now please.”

I asked the Doctor whether it's true that excessive masturbation is bad for your eyesight. He said, "You're in the greengrocer's mate."

Saying numbers with a slight Italian accent is my forte.

OK, I admit it, I'm terrible at Irish dancing. I hold my hands up.

Australia once had a goalkeeper called Norman Conquest. He played 11 times for his country 1947-50. #Fact

We need newsreaders. These old sreaders are rubbish.

Karen Carpenter really played down owning a Bee Gun.

I love spending lots of cash on invisible items. Money, no object.

"I've just seen a man on the tube with a magnificent moustache". Girlfriend: "You've been at the Pringles again, haven’t you?"

"I've built a model of Mount Everest". "Is that to scale?" "No, just to look at".

Bill Oddie can be a bit annoying, but his wife Mel is pretty sound.

Today's Fact: The back of your hand is called your opisthenar. #Fact I knew that like...

Mathematicians get their kicks on 8.1240384.

My great-grandfather got involved with some gangster dwarves in the 1930s. It mostly went smoothly, however, they had their little spats.

My mate David lost his ID. Now he’s just Dav.

Yesterday's Fact: There are more fake flamingos in the world than real flamingos. #Fact

Sinister forces are at work. But they should be home around seven if you want to pop round after that.

Just a reminder that Duncan McKenzie could jump over a Mini and throw a golf ball the length of a football pitch. #cfc #ChelseaFC

Americans call taps faucets but they call the water that comes out of them tap water. Can't see their empire lasting. Amateur stuff.

I've never struck anyone as a pacifist.

LeAnn Rimes. No it doesn't.

My friend said to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

I was instrumental in getting rid of all the singers in my band.

I really wanted to be a monk - but I never got the chants.

Fact: Beefeaters are so called because their uniforms are made entirely out of bee feet.