The world's worst limbo dancer walks into a bar.

If you want to know anyone who leans to one side, I've got a list.

I had a Goldfish that could break dance on the carpet. But only for like 20 seconds. ............................And only once.

The inventor of punchlines has died.

"Hello, do you have any porn?" "Sir! Really! This is a library!" "Oh, sorry" * whispers * "Do you have any porn?"

Fact: The person who named sweetbreads isn't allowed to name things anymore.

What I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

My neighbour is going away for a couple of weeks, and I have a key so I can let myself in and water her pants. - I think.

* In an interview * "Any weaknesses?" "I sometimes let myself down in interviews" "Well, I think you're doing OK" "You would. You're a fucking idiot".

Bring back calling people prannies.

Topper Inc is developing a mind-controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me. I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So, I went for a smoke.

I bought a ghost boomerang. That'll come back and haunt me.

TV show idea: A talent show, but for people with talent.

Dogs can’t dance - they have two left feet.

Those who wear clothing on the wrong parts of their body deserve a belt around the ear and a boot up the arse.

My girlfriend just called me pretentious. I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position.

What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows. (Apologies for that one).

What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.

I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing.

Bono is so in love with all things American that he believes it's acceptable to spell "colour" With or Without 'u'.

I hate to sound stupid, but does anyone know what the "one trick" a pony can do is? I reckon it’s the penny behind the ear.

Girlfriend: "What's wrong?" Me: "Sex with you is like sex with an inflatable doll." Girlfriend: * shocked face * Me: "You're not helping yourself."

“I haven’t got time for losers” …. The worst time-keeper at The Olympics.

Punishing your dog is no walk in the park.

I never feel compelled to talk, I have to say.

My obsession with removing splinters is getting a little bit out of hand.

I've just bought a packet of twenty Camel lights… so I can go out on my camel after dark.

Fact: An Owl's head can rotate up to 823°, before it comes off in your hand.

I picked up the phone. A voice said "Dance, dance, dance… dance to the radio!". It was just a Curtissy call.

I wish I wasn't so useless at self-depreciation.

I tell people my job as a stripper is a ‘career’, but it’s only just taking off.

Tip: Save money on mirrors by being a twin.

All of the murder victims were found posed like Dalí paintings. Police say it looks like the work of a surreal killer.

I'm not alarmist but I hate llamas and I think they should all go home.

Twelvety-one plus threeteen equals eleventy-seven. I'll be honest, I’m not a real maths teacher - I’m just here to make up the numbers.

Doctor: So you say you've got a stiff back? Morgue Attendant: "Yeah, we released it to the wrong family apparently".

"Doing anything nice tonight?" "Not much. Might crack open a cold one." "Oh, having a beer?" "No, carrying out an autopsy."

Vegans believe butchers are gross, but the guy who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.

Fact: Peking Duck was invented by soldiers in the First World War trenches, and named after their two main activities.

Cash Converters: Turning televisions into heroin since 1988.

It never rains but it.................................................................................................................................................pause...

“Doctor, Doctor, I keep having nightmares about people stealing my lentils" "I'll just take your pulse".

I'm rewriting hystori.

Weather summary: no longer summery.

When Clark Kent and Lois Lane broke up, she got the kids, but Clark can still see them with supervision.

Blow-up sex dolls now cost four times* as much as they did in 2013. *Allowing for inflation.

* * Sings * * 🎶 If you’re German and you know it clap, you’re Hans.