My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

I've started a pioneering business. I sell pie and earrings.

yehmosu - Finally got my house in order.

I'm just off to get into my horse costume. I'll see you in a bit.

I’ve just baked a violent cake. Who wants some?

Right, I’m off to do some book signing in Waterstones. I hope that they don't catch me this time.

My Grandad always called a spade a spade. And a sandwich a spade. And his slippers a spade. Completely lost it at the end, quite tragic.

I'm worried that my bad facelift pun might be too highbrow.

Right up until her death, my old granny used to brew moonshine in her shed. I think of her still.

If I could have had sex with anyone in history, I think the teacher should be sacked.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

My wife didn't take my name when we got married. She figured that it would be confusing if we were both called Colin.

As I get older and I remember all of the people I lost along the way… I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

My Grandad has the heart of a lion and …………………………a lifetime ban from London zoo.

"Would you keep those bloody awimbaways down? I've got gazelle to catch in the morning!" - The lion, trying to sleep tonight.

I'm making a chicken bake tonight. It's nice to have a night off from cooking.

The best singer to listen to in the bath is Loofah Vandross.

I've just bought an ironing board cover, but it's not as good as the original.

A distance is always shorter as the crowflies but if he's lying, why ask a crowf in the first place?

I always thought that Rimmel London sounded a bit like an over-ambitious challenge.

Yup, another typical Saturday night Chez Topper…

Living by the coast has benefits.

The guy who invented football's red card died last week. He's being given a humiliating send off on Tuesday.

I always mix biscuits with pleasure.

Me: * * SHOUTING * * "I've thrown myself in this cheese vat to attract your attention!" Her: "I'm sorry, I just don't like you in that whey."

My anti-gravity barber is always in mid-hair.

I had my 'Stag Do' in the local pub. I kept it in a plastic bag, the smell was atrocious, and the landlord went ballistic.

My friend has bought an Alfa Romeo Minestrone. It's the new, souped-up version.

It's 2026, surely they know if it's Maybelline by now.

I just coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time. A scouser appeared and said, "Not bad mate, how are you?"

This book of Cattle Farming Terminology I've just bought is a difficult read. It's full of words I've not even herbivore.

A goose walks into a brothel... Madam: "Can I interest you in any of the lovely ladies, Sir?" Goose: "I'll have a gander."

"When did you first bare your arse in public?" "Many moons ago."

Before my surgery, the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

Apparently, many men secretly wear women's clothing on a regular basis. That's just pants, isn't it?

"Brace yourself". - A lazy Dentist

If I had £1 for every time I've written a non sequitur, do you like balloons?

Julie Andrews is addicted to massive spoons. A 'ladle vice' if you will.

The first lure of anagram club is...

My mate has fusilli woven into his dreadlocks. He's a pastafarian.

I can make clothes out of crepe paper, but it's not my strong suit.

Fact: The Wheels on the Bus was written in 1937, but motorised buses date back to the 1890s. So there was a forty-year period where people were just getting on buses with no idea of what was going to happen.

A flasher was thinking about retiring. In the end he decided to stick it out for another year.

I used to be an underwear model, but one day I forgot my pants, so I had to do it in my PE kit.

“What have you come as?” “A werewolf.” “But… they're your normal clothes”. “It's not a full moon”.

I’ve just been banned from my support group for people sexually attracted to buildings. To be honest, I’m feeling a little flat now.

Tip: Convince people you’re good at throwing balls by walking around a fairground holding a coconut.

Cat: “Give it to me straight Doc”. Doctor: “I’m sorry, there’s no good way to say it.....you’ve got curiosity....”.

Le Oral. Because you’re worth it.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is: “You’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”