What goes “Woof, woof .boom”? A terrierist.

"Excuse me, Ms, do you know how to get red wine out of a white shirt?" "Ammonia cleaner, Sir." "Oh, sorry, I thought you worked here…"

I've been reading Osteopathy magazine for years. I have lots of back issues.

Fact: Good looking people are better at hide and seek.

I used to wear a sheet round my neck with a picture of Steve McQueen riding a motorcycle on it. It was the greatest cape.

I was dejected when I was turned down for a shed roofing job. They have no idea how I felt.

My cold air balloon idea never really got off the ground.

I read about the evils of drinking, so I gave reading.

I was stopped by the plain clothed police last week. In passing I complimented the copper on his suit. He replied: “It’s just a routine check Sir”.

“Hello, RSPCA, there's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan”. “I don't believe you”. “Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret”.

"He’s so fat he wears Mark F clothes". "What’s Mark F clothing?" "Next size up from a Marquee".

I recently instructed my agent to turn down the new James Bond film. My agent threw me the remote, and told me to turn it down myself...

Did you know that John Merrick (The Elephant Man) despite all his deformities, had perfect genitalia? Unfortunately, they were on the top of his head.

My cousin has a figure like Sydney Sweeney. He's really embarrassed.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

My grandfather was shrewd. People threw small mammals at him until he suffocated.

My grandmother was beaten to death by my Grandad. Not with a stick. He died first.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

So what if you invented an easy to use moisturiser? There's no need to rub it in.

Anyone can do malapropisms. It's not rocket salad, is it?

I'm raising my game. * * holds up pheasant * *

Fact: Steve McManaman was bitten by a radioactive Steve McMana.

I went to a pet shop today. I was struggling to decide which breed of dog to get until the shopkeeper gave me a couple of pointers.

Sorry ladies, my ventriloquist's dummy is already spoken for.

I've had it up to here with army salutes.

I had a weird dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Due to an auto-correct issue, my time machine only lets me travel into the furniture.

I'm not a complete ogr .

Gnu = gun reform.

If you've seen one rugby team, you've seen a maul.

Roman Numerals! What are they good IV?

OK guys. This is a hammer. This is a saw. You know the drill.

Upon reflection, I'm not a vampire after all.

My local newsagent just asked me if I was free to look after the shop for ten minutes, I told him to mind his own business.

The faster I move in this nylon shirt, the more I'm static.

I've been categorising periods of history using women's names since time Emma-Muriel.

The ladies tend to be impressed when I tell them I'm ex-commando. Not so much so when I tell them I wear boxers now.

Without doubt,the three coolest blokes ever: Paul Newman Paul Simonon Steve McQueen Correspondence will not be entered into.

I wrote a joke about bondage. Well, it's more of a gag.

I've decided to release my diet book in America first. I think it deserves a wider audience.

I don't have time for thi

Salvador Dali's watch goes into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"

My plans to open a repair shop for tiny televisions have had a small set back.

Fact: When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Pushing over female pigs. That sow I roll.

I've decided to take up freelancing. So if anyone has a boil they'd like me to see to, I'll do it - no charge.

Gift horse: …………….. Dentist: …………..

At a café, I was served eggs that resembled boobs and the sausage was placed between two plum tomatoes. Last time I order a Freud breakfast.

John Lennon: "Imagine all the people..." Me: "OK" JL: "Living life in peace..." Me: "Go on". JL: "Yooohooo, oooooh..." Me: "No, you've lost me now".