“Packet of helicopter crisps please”. “Sorry, we only do plane”.

My sister works for the gas board. Wanna meter?

My dealer has me on speed dial.

Me: A Martinus please. Barman: Do you mean a Martini? Me: No, I don’t want a double.

I have been trying to improve my sleep, but it doesn’t happen overnight.

I’ve no idea how people make their breakfasts last all day.

Not only do I have a lisp but I also need to use an inhaler when I do sums: I’m mathematic.

If you want to do a good gorilla impression, you need to knuckle down.

I just attended a plastic surgeon's conference. It was lovely to see so many new faces.

There are warnings of tax hikes ahead. HMRC has just formed an orienteering club.

I ordered four Kindles from Amazon and all I got was a Two Ronnies DVD.

I failed my practical exam in pest control. I didn’t do enough swatting.

The fastest cake? - Scone.

“Thank God you're here. I've just invented the most erotic sound in the world.” “I know. I came as soon as I heard!”

Why would I want a coffin? That's the last thing I need.

My girlfriend said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?” I said, “Where did that come from?”

My Girlfriend said she'd love me even if I was morbidly obese. I told her, she wouldn't be able to get around me that easily.

Somebody swapped my gloves for mittens. I know who it is but I'm not going to point any fingers.

On the coast. ❄️

Bit chilly yesterday.

My Christmas tree wasn't just happy to have its decorations removed, it was delighted.

I got not one, but two Monopoly games for Christmas, and I don't even know how to play it. What are the Chances?

Busy lark this Christmas rannygazoo…

Merry Christmas!

Zuzu’s petals… 😢

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Merry Christmas.

Yuletide hounds.

Advent calendars – their days are numbered.

Invariably, I spend the day after Christmas pooping out excess turkey and chanting carols to cover up the noises. I love Bog Sing Day.

Look at Girona’s mascot. And she has her own instagram! www.instagram.com/canya_gironafc

Mistletoe: Because sexual harassment is OK in the proximity of berries.

Talk about lazy lyric writing: "Old King Cole was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he." I mean, come on...

There's a very strict no festive tunes policy at our local dance night… At Christmas time, we let in Deee-Lite, and we banish Slade.

My kids keep finding their Christmas presents hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should keep them in the attic. I tried that last night, but their constant whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “There are spiders!”

The moral of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is: It's fine to bully someone for being different unless they turn out to be useful.

"Well, the pugs in blankets are done." "You mean pigs?" * * slams oven shut * * "DON'T LOOK IN THERE!"

If you like the nativity so much why don’t you Mary it?

If you love Christmas so much why don't you merry it?

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last-minute present shopping at the petrol station. Fortunately, my family really love petrol.

I used to work in a factory making snow globes and I fell into one of the machines. Luckily, I wasn’t badly hurt, just quite shaken up.

The self-employed don’t need to miss out on Secret Santa - thanks to heavy drinking and internet shopping.

Mechanic: Your car's got a flat Me: It's called a garage.

Xmas top ten (no arguments) 10 Rotary Connection - Christmas Child 9 The Pogues - Fairytale Of New York 8 The Ronettes – Sleigh Ride 7 Sarah Cracknell & Tim Burgess - I Was Born On Christmas Day 6 The Eels - Everything’s Gonna Be Cool This Christmas

"I've just bought the best male reindeer available from a local breeder." "Prize stag?" "Oh you don't want to know how much I spent".

I like the Band Aid song, but I always sing "Duvet know it's Christmas time", because that's the cover version.

The baubles on my tree have the faces of Jacobi, Griffiths and Trotter. - My Christmas Derekorations.

A festive shaped jelly walks into a bar and the landlord asks "So, are you all set for Christmas?"

My life is a lot like a Christmas Carol. Every night I try three different spirits and when I wake up, I have to apologise to everyone.

Why should you always use AI to write Christmas cracker jokes? Because otherwise they’d be ‘Chrstms crcker jokes’. (Sorry).