I tried to make a joke about window ledges, but it was too silly.

The day after tomorrow's fact: The label on Johnnie Walker whisky is put on the bottle at an angle of 24 degrees.

My girlfriend wanted a Siamese cat, but I heard that they are really expensive. So, I've bought two normal cats and glued their heads together.

I'd call myself claustrophobic, but I can't stand being pigeon-holed.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a kebab or a lawnmower.

Today's Fact: "Forty" is the only number whose letters are in alphabetical order.

Stealing from an Apple shop only counts as scrumping.

I’m selling a limited-edition bottle of Tippex. It’s a corrector’s item.

Fact of the day: TWENTY NINE is made up of exactly 29 straight lines.

Today's Fact: Beer was invented before the wheel.

A wall of the office. #CFC #ChelseaFC

Today's fact: When Abba won the Eurovision Song Contest, Agnetha Fältskog was wearing a Wombles badge. #Abba #Wombles #Eurovision

When #CFC used to release a video when we got to Wembley. I used to buy everything… #ChelseaFC

Fact: The original versions of the songs “Love Will Keep Us Together” (Neil Sedaka) and “Love Will Tear Us Apart” (Joy Division) were both recorded in the same studio.

I've been rather busy. #ChainSawFun #Knackered #BacksGone

It’s wet out.

My brother and me. Great things awaited.

Some family and hounds.

Ben Hur once organised a huge fund-raiser. It was a massive charioty event.

The fastest cake - scone.

One hound.

I made my girlfriend a Caesar salad last night. The dog was really furious though as it was his last tin.

Doctor: Have you been drinking enough fluids? Me: That’s absolutely all I drink.

Sometimes I like to ponder about how the other half lives. Mainly when I’m dissecting worms.

Weird light and something obviously smells good on the drive

Customer: A Martinus please. Barman: A Martini? Customer: No, I don’t want a double.

It’s so sad that after silent movies went out of fashion, silent people gradually became extinct.

If an Earl gets an OBE– that makes him an Earlobe.

Sinister forces are at work. But they should be home around seven if you want to pop round after that.

My brother asked to borrow my spade so he could make a will. Bless him. He means well.

I was excited when I thought I'd found a way to turn the stereo up to 11 - then I realised it was just the Pause button.

Hello, welcome to this inaugural meeting of the furniture kleptomania support group. Please take a seat.

You keep doing these bad impressions..... What are you like?

Reasons I am selling my Elvis records: 1. For the money.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day… ...is the reason I lost my job at the aquarium.

My new brakes give my car a bit of 00mph.

Last night, I made a chicken salad. He pecked at it once and pissed off across the road. The dick.

Tip: Find your “Thomas The Tank Engine” name by taking your first name and writing it on the side of a train.

"Actually, I've changed my mind... I’ll just a have a regular califragilisticexpialidocious please".

I wanted a camper van - so I installed pink curtains.

Fact: The full name of Swansea is Arthur Swanserelli.

Just sat down in the restaurant and my girlfriend has started playing footsie. She's ordered the steak, I'm getting toad in the hole.

Line up in alphabetical order. Eiln pu.

I am thinking about starting to breed gun dogs and wondered if anyone would be able to give me a few pointers?

I keep a wombat under my stairs for whenever I fancy a quick game of wom.

Disgusting! I’ve just seen a policeman exposing himself, which is a bit of a cop out.

A girl handed me a picture of her, she said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." But every picture is of you when you were younger isn’t it?

"Dad, are those buffaloes straight?" "They're bison" "Well, it's a free country"

And it’s goodnight from them…

My brother has a new puppy. He is called Barley. He is inverted in this picture.