Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

In the hospital after accidentally swallowing several plastic toy horses. Doctors say my condition is stable.

FUN FACT: Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push it” was written about trying to close the cupboard where you keep your Tupperware.

Halloween is always a sad time of year for me, as it reminds me of my late uncle, who we discovered had a skeleton inside him all along.

Are child car seats designed to prevent food/dirt/mess from accumulating? No. But are they designed to be easy to take apart and clean? Also no.

BREAKING: Loophole in the law means the robbers may actually be able to keep the jewels. It’s known as “Finders Keepers, Louvre’s Weepers”.

I have an online course that teaches you how to trick people into thinking you’re a dolphin on a golf course. Just click on the links.

Ozempic website asked if I accept cookies. Why else do you think I’m here?

Huge missed opportunity not to buy their own boat and call it Buoyancé.

Why do we need just one Pope? What about a committee or a selection of different Popes to add some diversity. A Pope Pourri, if you will.

A rocket scientist, a guy with a car, and Brad Pitt walk into a bar. Shania Twain is in there, and isn’t very impressed.

Not sure whether or not to believe this Wikipedia page

Russell Brand has never been one to shy away from a long sentence.

It would be hilarious if they found the ‘final’ missing Lord of the Rings novel and it revealed that the rest of the story was just preamble for Tolkien’s chicken chasseur recipe.

My uncle married his radiographer, but I don’t know what she sees in him.

Michael Stipe’s top ingredient in a curry? That’s ghee in the korma.

Apparently reptiles find 80s music relaxing, which is good news if you need a calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.

They say “it takes a village”, which is great news for those of us who are the idiots.

CHALLENGES OF OWNING A FRUIT & VEGETABLE MARKET STALL: - Competing with supermarket prices - Increasing cost to rent market space - Constant risk of stall/stock being destroyed by high-speed movie chase

People say straws aren’t dangerous to animals if we keep them out of the ocean, but try telling that to a camel with a broken back.

When a jellyfish makes a joke in front of his posh friends

The reason it gets abbreviated to ‘typo’ is because people made so many spelling mistakes writing ‘typopotamus’.

Have my annual skin cancer check this week so already practicing my thinking face for the moment afterwards where the receptionist books for next year and asks if I happen to be free on a random Thursday morning in 12 months’ time.

We've only done the first four days, but already finding it hard work designing this new diary for Robert Smith. Hope he likes Friday more.

Any meeting can be more fun if you refer to the first slide of the presentation as the "agenda reveal party".

"I often pretend to be parts of a bicycle wheel," said a spokesperson.

The WeightWatchers website just asked if I “accept all cookies” and to be honest I wouldn’t be there if I didn’t.

SOLDIER: What are your orders, General? GENERAL: Run away! SOLDIER: Again? But we have more men. GENERAL: Run! SOLDIER: But people will think you're a coward! GENERAL: What are they going to do? Name something after me?! SOLDIER: I'm afraid it is a possibility, General Tso.

1. Buy Alphabetti Spaghetti. 2. Remove all the letters except D, I, S, A, T, E and R. 3. Cook. - A recipe for disaster

Steve Miller: Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah Some call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice 'Cause I speak of the pompatus of love Barista: So I’ll just put Maurice on the cup?

The biggest lie in the corporate world is that a "friendly reminder" is in any way friendly.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST 1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit 2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine 3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg 4. Toast burned, in bin 5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Me cutting my kids’ peanut butter sandwiches into heart shapes for Valentine’s Day:

If you hope to have a career in ballet after university, you’ll need a 2:2.

For once I'd like them to make a more realistic James Bond movie where he forgets his pass and has to wait for someone else to let him into MI6, or he's not allowed to go on the mission until he's up to date on his timesheets.

The reason togas often looked baggy is because some Romans were confused that L was bigger than XL.

“Magic Carpet” - Geordie explanation of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

My wife rarely asks me to cook Chinese food for her. She’s very lo meintenance.

Disneyland’s slogan becomes a lot less credible when you learn that 6 out of 7 dwarves there aren’t happy.

Imagine how difficult the investigation would be if there was a whistleblower at the Referees’ Association.

Four year-old just said, “when I’m a grown-up I’m going to be exhausted” and he pretty much already has adult life nailed.

Every time Trump tells a lie, his youngest son grows.

If you’re waiting for me to give some bad advice about swimming underwater, I wouldn’t hold your breath.

I actually think social platforms no longer checking facts is a positive move, and I’ve heard similar things from the other members of the World’s Greatest Lovers Society.

Sure sign Dry January isn’t going well when you sign off an email, “Yours Sancerrely”

Took some tennis balls to the shop and said I’d like to return them so they sold me a racquet.

Frodo Baggins has died, according to this Hobbituary.

Fake Christmas tree vs. the box you have to get it back into

AGAIN?! That title seems to be cursed.

Really enjoying my New Year gym membership - Spent 25 minutes on one machine today, and only stopped when it ran out of Kit Kats.