Gen Z stare < Millennial pause < Me saying “umm” 600 times during a podcast

“Ew did you major in BARFOLOGY at Pisspants Pooniversity?” - just came up with this feel free to use if you’re in a roast and can’t think of anything

TAKE MY RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

We use to live in a world where people constantly talked about Metallica. Think about that for a while why dont ya.

Broski tried flexing on me with a “I play flute in a prog band” shit. lol not gonna work on me brotha mane I know you’re still a dweeb

Coworker called me a “nerd burger” and I been googling it for hours and nothings coming up. Frustrated.

Just found out the cryptkeeper isn’t a real dude. Devastated.

Saw a muffin at my local coffee shop and one thing led to another and that’s how I ate a muffin

are there saturday morning cartoons anymore or is it just newsmax now?

looking for a meme that perfectly captures when nobody wants to talk about slam metal with me

I wanna thank Apple for inventing the #iPhoneAir the first phone optimized for Italian rage snapping

well week one of my fantasy season is over and I regret to report Carmen Electra still won’t marry me

My neighbor won’t stfu about Bad Guys 2 and I’m starting to think he’s recruiting me for a cartoon heist

Not mad that the seagull stole my burger, but did it have to mouth “eat my ass” as it flew away? Over the line.

Wish Newsom would get serious and tackle the rising cost of cold brew in LA

gonna be messed up when they scan my brain and find i got cte from committing to bits

pumpkin spice is back again and something something something I just shit my pants #autumn #fallvibes

My issue with tennis is that it doesn’t have a stupid name like pickleball. Tennis should change its name to yacht-pong #usopen

I auto drafted my fantasy football team and now JonBenét Ramsey is my starting QB 😵‍💫

I GOT SOME #ADVICE FOR YOUR DRUNK ASS

When the Big Brother HoH has a sad life #bb27

now that football is back i can finally tell my family to go to hell 🏈

I think Pauly D was patient zero for Italian Brainrot

cardi b won her case which rules. now i just need to win mine against @Wendys for giving me the slip shits and balance will be restored

i like a heat wave because all my gross sweating suddenly tracks

lifeguards say rip currents are gnarly today so i’ll play it safe and continue my lifelong streak of never once surfing

I’m proud to say I spent my Labor Day reading about the Haymarket affair and the Triangle Shirtwaist fire. Just kidding I got drunk and played Smash Bros.

Went for a walk and a lizard locked eyes with me and started doing pushups which I thought was hilarious until my girlfriend left me for him

I ate the middle of a large pizza and now I’m standing in a circle of crust casting spells for discipline. Friends, who among you will be dipped in ranch?

I bought an Apple Watch to track workouts. I use it to track Domino’s Pizza. At least the delivery driver is getting cardio.

ngl today’s been rough. just found out my wife is a copypasta

“Not dead, total hoax, fire bad.”

Just once I need the Super Bowl MVP to say “I’m going to Six Flags!”

I was born via B-section (butthole)

HOW TO DEAL WITH A CHEATING SPOUSE

I don’t treat poverty like a lifestyle. I treat it like intermittent fasting I didn’t sign up for.

The Starbucks bathroom code is 4897. Just a heads up, turd on floor.

The dirty looks after microwaving fish at work only make me stronger

I HAVE SOME ADVICE FOR YOU 😈🤓

I think my bidet is gaslighting me? It’s definitely blowing something up my ass, really hope it’s not smoke.

fuckos who don’t think I’m a feminist must not know how hairy my pits are

I’m not saying drinking the whole pitcher of mimosas at brunch was a good idea but when you blackout at 10:30am you usually don’t have to pay for your eggs benedict

Called my boss a knucklehead this morning and he kicked my ass in front of the whole Best Buy family

Lost a pancake eating contest to a dog today and I was pissed until I remembered I have two thumbs and will probably live like 50 more years than that fucker

Some drunk asshole just pissed all over my shoes and didn’t even charge me extra

Pretty pissed Nardwuar interviewed Putin but ngl it was impressive that he knew his favorite Black Flag record is Loose Nut

tbh if I actually wore a hat on a hat you all would f*cking love it

I’ve been told to post more engagement bait so I guess if enough folks reply to this I’ll let my kid out of his crate

Forgot I had a Cornish Gameboy in the oven and now my kitchen smells burnt Donkey Kong ass

Anytime I think of a podcast idea I google it and some kid in Long Island beat me to it and stopped after releasing 6 episodes