Mickey Mouse in a gas station bathroom, praying today’s Mystery Mousketool is toilet paper

Every time I fart, the Merlin app says it’s hearing a bird

Grating Mr. Potato Head into latkes, despite the screams of protest from my children

Picked up a cold sore off Facebook Marketplace

Waited 3.5 hours to watch HUNTR/X on the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade, and they decide to go with “Love, Maybe?”

Boston, MA #NoKings

My son just asked the most important Halloween question of all: do ghosts poop?

“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” - a Mormon, somewhere

My kid started saying “show me your bones” when asking someone to smile for a picture, and I think the phrase has lasting power beyond Halloween

“It’s 8 am somewhere” he muttered to himself, cracking open a beer

Fee fi fo fum … I smell the blood of an English Muffin!

It’s been nearly 30 years since “How Bizarre “ came out and no one has bought the rights to that story, so I still don’t know what happens next

The most frustrating thing about having only one set of silverware in the apartment is having to run the dishwasher three times a day

My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music, except the lyrics are just repeating “schnitzel with noodles” for five minutes

“It’s time to take out the trash” - me, when it’s time to take out the trash

The best part of the Nutcracker is when the cloud balloon dramatically descends through the falling snow … intermission is moments away!

“Honestly, I was expecting this potpourri to smell better,” I say to myself as I add more shit to my Vitamix

If you call me “sir” one more time, I’m gonna shoot you - Aaron Burr

When Parson Brown asks if you’re married, it’s not an offer to officiate. It’s a proposition.

🎶 The long and winding toot 🎶

No one likes to talk about this dirty secret but the coal industry is actively subsidized by the North Pole. We can’t seriously fight climate change until Santa commits to going green. #divestnow

Trader Joe’s Maxx

Every morning I wake up to 50 unread texts, frantically check to see if someone died, and then spend five minutes deleting 50 campaign donation texts

All the “retired” Sesame Street characters (Guy Smiley, Harry Monster, etc.) were actually consumed by The Count, but public television is too afraid of the optics to admit this

Ms. Elaina was right, Daniel Tiger’s egg salad did smell like shit

Eating my hot dog like a corn on the cob, the way god intended

Scrooge McDuck, jumping in his vault pool, filled with chicken nuggets

*** cowboy waiter at a Chinese restaurant *** “Ni hao ya’ll doing tonight?”

Does insurance cover yachts sunk by orcas?

🎶 Hey! I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty as well 🎶

I just schvitz my pants

Cybertrucks are like those trucks driving around with giant Trump flags. The only ones excited to see them are people driving the same thing (not many).

“Doc McStuffins Performs an Abortion” is the most powerful hour of television I’ve seen in a long time.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the internet shut off for a week?

Back in the 1990s, the harmonica union was the most powerful force in the entire music industry

If you’re a dog, all trees are toiletries

Always remember, there isn’t a soul alive who hasn’t pooped their pants before

Maybe I shouldn’t have brought my open air Jeep to pick up the party balloons…

Trump’s now at risk of missing his son’s college graduation if the judge isn’t lenient again…

I’m refreshing these live trial updates every ten seconds like an NBA gamecast…

You know what they always say, “When it’s brown, let it mellow.”

“This virus is serious! It needs a proper name, so people will respect it. I shall name it … Coxsackie Herpangina.” - Gilbert Dalldorf

The second half of the song “Jolly Holiday” is just Mary Poppins assuring viewers that Bert isn’t a rapist

Lady and the Tramp, but slurping tripe over a bowl of Pho

Growing increasingly concerned over the amount of hooting and hollering coming from the Gastroenterologist during this procedure

The C in C. Diff is short for crap

I just need the Blu-Ray and I’ll complete the holy trinity!

Just stepped in dog shit

You really think daddy’s gonna be laughing when he finds out about mommy and Santa Claus?

The older I’ve gotten, the more my farts sound like a duck deflating