Genies never expect you to be deeply masochistic

The bad thing about cilantro is always wanting more cilantro

Wanted something light and refreshing and notably Not 13k calories for some reason lmoag

"Don't release the epstein files bc it might hurt the reputations of the wealthiest most powerful men in the world and waiting to be proven innocent could be traumatic for them" is the stupidest fucking thing ive ever heard. Find a bridge.

Fuck elvis

Happy International Drag Queen Day binches

GUESSWHATDAYITIS ITSSEAWEEDSALADDAY

it is amazing how nothing but the shape of a mold can lead to such wildly different qualities of ice

cowboy enchilada lasagna earl grey and bourbon for dessert

Looking to sell myself as a hand and foot warmer No weirdos

An incredible premiere among incredible premieres Ghost in the shell is, as expected, a star of the new season

Dirty Diaper Donny has just concluded a perfect phone call with Mr. Fifa asking him to find 4 more points

table by soad but its snow patrol's chasing cars but oops all if i lay here

Cucumber noodles with hot peppers marinated in spiced soy sauce and herbs with a little walnut and dried squid

Introductions In the same breath as vows Who knew eyes Could be so loud?

Finally cut my hair And showered Made street corn ramen as a reward But now i need a funeral and to be buried in bed for the next 2-3 years

My first wish would be for a genie lawyer to help me draft the perfect wish, then i would show them both some really cool movies and make snacks for us

Used as dip for roast beef and gouda wraps and that shit just.. evaporated

Ugly frito pie, i dunno what much went in there, cause i been drinkin

Piss off a photographer by asking what game this is from

You've treed your last honey

pinnochio complex: depersonalization and fawning due to neglect and mockery

Almost all of the habaeros made it in! But alas, the dadtax must be paid and sacrifices made

If you just make $5000 a month, save every penny and start when apes started to evolve 16 million years ago, you too can be a trillionaire!

That is.. not what i expected.

Soft fluffy ice snackie bc its too hot and u deserve it

Girls deserve cars with cowcatchers or bitty lil bulldozers for when traffic

Stubbed my toe. This might be how i die

taking drugs at the spa so i can sit in the mud pit and eat cucumber slices off people eyes like a sprightly forest goblin

Sorry i tooted (just a little guy, just a prt) in the theater and caused mass panic and got us arrested for disorderly conduct and reckless endangerment but you should've known better than to leave me unattended for 8 minutes around vietnamese bbq

Not right now kitten, mommy has to rend the duplicitous threads of fate because the idea of reincarnating into this uncaring, unrelentingly hostile universe fills me with more terror and dread than staring up gods toenail while mentally preparing to dive in and start fuckin shit up from the inside

The aggressive ice cromchig will continue until morale improves

Reading makes your dick bigger

Im sorry i spent the whole evening sneaking nachos off your dads plate until he screamed "where are they going" at the entire restaurant. It will happen again

No cause wtf was that Someone needs their insoles stolen and replaced with industrial lube and adhesive Wordle 1,807 4/6 🟨⬜🟨⬜⬜ ⬜⬜🟩🟨🟨 ⬜🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Mini quiche souffle, chili w cheese and beans, and a little salad

not my first choice for ice in a blender but still very welcome

i really want the people who said, "America voted for this, let them hang" could understand that we REALLY did not vote for this and it was stolen a million ways from husbands doing their wives & kids ballots to whatever the fuck the space lasers were doing thiswillhold.substack.com/p/she-won-th...

Disgusting. I love it. Elvis shoulda tried subbing the jelly for cream cheese Do wish i still had some jalapenos though

i writed and readed a thing! youtu.be/MtND8ZgtSO8?...

If you're shitting on texas for being heavily suppressed and abused by a handful of bad people in power, lapping up the propagandized demonization meant to isolate us, i immediately have zero respect for you

Mm bekfask

Waking up, getting outa bed and turning right the fuck around to crawl back in

Pathetically shaking my little tin cup Please, spare a sleep? Even just a nap? Shall i dance?

Sorry i threatened your coworkers with eternal damnation to the frozen lightless abyss from which no god nor fabric of space may escape, i was just hungry

Now i may just be an old fashioned small town husk of a man, but i believe a government should fear the consequences of its actions