[kid lost argument with me] 7 YEAR OLD: Mommy? ME: she’s busy. And she’s going to be on my side 7: she’s too sweet to be on your side.

It’s giving “Captain Von Trapp wouldn’t buy me fabrics”

My wife has been trying to convince me that I’d be a good Cub Scout leader. She ended with “the only thing you wouldn’t be good at is showing them how to be a good person”

Saddest story in 6 words Suddenly, publicly, violently no longer constipated

“Rivers Cuomo” if you see this name and assume it’s a disgraced politician, congratulations, you’re me

How to get someone in a movie to throw a punch at you: “I don’t want any trouble”

if you could eat only one food for the rest of your life, what medical problems would you develop?

Dude this video already has 134 views. I just posted it yesterday youtu.be/MHefax5nSl0?...

the best revenge is success OR sleeping with one of their family members

I feel like the people who are smart enough to get away with bank robbery are also smart enough to just get a real job

I never want to be in a position to say “i told you so”. I’d rather just be wrong and you not have regrets

There was one time when no matter what, I kept accidentally sharing a map of North American bear habitats. Anyway here’s a picture of Taylor Swift getting ready for her next concert

If I was a new volcanic island I’d be so depressed. No vegetation, no prospects for settlements, no nothing. I’d just sink back into the ocean and say “bye idiots”

I’m tired of hearing about Mount Everest. We should demolish the peak so it’s not the tallest anymore

If I was guy fawkes I’d be so angry. My legacy is an annual celebration of my failure. A famous celebration

they should just let the Leaning Tower of Pisa fall over so people will shut up about it

What if instead of “enhancement“ we sold male improvement pills 🫂

Dear Texans: do you ever get desperate to show state pride and use the flag of Liberia? 🇱🇷

The North Face merits a competitor called The South Ass

we regret to inform everyone that Jake faked his own death today. The fake cause of death is unknown. We insincerely ask that his family be kept in your thoughts. Funeral services will be held nowhere. In lieu of flowers, please donate to jake’s Venmo so he can cash in on this ruse

instead of “okie dokie”, this Luigi says YOS

5: Im gonna under-arrest you for not taking care of your kids ME: I do take care of my kids 5: no you didnt,your kids have been kidnapped ME: arrest the dude that kidnapped em 5: I’ll under-arrest both of you [im lying face down on the couch,hes smacking me w/ a foam stick every time he talks]

A tshirt gun but it violently dresses the target

My wife wants me to make a Christmas list and I don’t like it so I’m strongly considering just making one and adding “Amazon gift card”

You know how the Bible has several competing translations? Hear me out: The Bible: Taylor’s Version

Is it true that in the UK if you admit you don’t like Mr Brightside they have you institutionalized?

[1st day as dating guru] me: Buying her a drink is cliché. Hand her a cheeseburger

September 11th January 6th if the USA lasts long enough maybe we can use up all the dates to be synonymous with really bad events

Follow your dreams. And by “your dreams” I mean strangers

it’s been a month since the Barbie movie came out and no women have asked me to explain the plot of The Godfather 😔

Motherfucker Naruto-ran into the loving arms of the DPRK

I’M FINALLY COOL