Where the fuck is the bar in this hospital?

Fun fact the suicide rate in Las Vegas, Nevada is 100%

Petition to start calling the middle of the night “dark noon”

Mad Libs but the prompt is just the single correct answer

Why does the doctor in the “five little monkeys” song have a fake Asian accent?

Somebody’s really gotta do something about this whole Israel/Palestine deal

Sure as hell don’t care about “yOuR fAiTh” and it’s impact on your stand up comedy

USA Honmoon weak AF

I have no fucking clue how an LLM works, but I do know that computers that are on fire don’t work as well

Ableist phrases to avoid: “You’re so lame” “That’s crazy” “I’m going to fucking kill you and your whole family you fucking agoraphobic bitch” “I’m so OCD I’m always cleaning my shed”

Scenes from childrearing: She just said “oh boy no no! No no! No no!” And I said “what is it baby?” And she open hand full force slapped me in the balls

@nonzerosumjames.bsky.social you say very good things. Thank you for liking my most unhinged tweet on there

Thinking about 1974 Godzilla.

Your sound recognition algorithm BETTER be able to identify a baby otter noises otherwise you’re just a big idiot.

Two mafiosos chatting: 1) …so I gave a horse head in his bed 2) you mean you *put* a horse’s head in his bed? 1) (wipes chin) what?

From the new anti-racist curriculum I was asked to write: “Hey, you ever notice there aren’t a lot of black gay Muslim prostitutes?”

Remember that 4th of July can be a hard time for those with PTSD and also dogs. Before lighting that big firework, consider other more personal ways to show your patriotism like knocking loudly on your neighbors’ doors in the middle of the night

“Touch grass, kid” With the new haptic feedback VR glove attachment, you can touch anything from the comfort of your own apartment

No one loses a dick sucking battle but one person does come second.

I’ve been thinking about philosophers. Kant: sucks Descartes: sucks

Finally watching Fantasy High and fucking bawling my eyes out at how kind and thoughtful Brennan Lee Mulligan does the NPCs. Bill Seacaster, Gilear, Sklonda, Gortholax, JAWBONE! This is so healing. God damn my little heart @brennanleemulligan.bsky.social @dropout.tv @dimension20.bsky.social

One thing that makes our hat company unique is we don’t actually make hats. We make industrial solvents and parts for washing machines and dryers.

Damn girl, are you a Bayesian hypothesis? Cuz that posterior is COMPELLING

AI: for when you’re too fucking stupid to think so let’s cut down a tree in the rainforest instead

“Bessel van der Kolk isn’t here to defend himself” -my mentor

*posts a picture of your mom* “Is this load bearing?”

this made me log into my unused for 10+ years Facebook account just to delete it

Follow up to my earlier milk comment: what is “hole milk”? What hole are they talking about? I’m gonna have to know more before I agree to your putting it in my latte

You little piece of shit idiot I HATE your fucking tesla. Your dumb little shithead idiotmobile for fascists. I hope you drive it right into a fucking brick wall.

Out: jokes about how many different kinds of milk there are In: jokes about jokes about how many different kinds of milk there are.

People with alexithymia make me feel so…ungood

The best way to win Russian Roulette is to not play. The next best way to win is load every chamber and go second.

A new intervention I will be offering in my clinic is holding your head under water until you die

A fun pro tip on bird identification I learned is that if it’s a small brown bird in a building pipe, it’s probably a sparrow, and if is a pair of birds pecking out your liver which then regrows every morning, it’s probably eagles

You know what they say "if the pig was not in terror when it died, the blood sausage cannot be called bludwurst"

The following can be applied to all foraging posts: Yes! It is a blackberry and Yes! You can eat it.

“Oh but we need cops” pretty fucking precipitous drop between preventing murder and clustering around a tesla dealership

Djinn and Tonic

Autoerotic asphyxiation but it’s an artichoke

Fuck google.

I’ve already pissed myself three times today and I can’t make it a fourth

New nonstop flight announced between LaGuardia and LaGuardia airports

Ugh. My enemies are such dicks.

To the cybertruck driver with the thin blue line bumper sticker: whenever you’re done licking boots, can I interest you in the bark of that Australian murder tree that hurts so much you go insane

Girls, you don’t have autism. You received a *diagnosis* of autism because the scales are designed around your ability to relate to mediocre men.

Slimming and Rimming (smoking Virginia Slim cigarettes and eating ass)

If it barks like a duck…

True masculinity is the ability to suck another man’s dick with ABSOLUTE confidence you’ll be able to bring him to orgasm

Shh! The fireworks are spooking the superb owl.

Poll for cyberspace: liking which TV program is a sign of high intelligence?