Is this thing on?

Hello, a small reminder that I’m mainly on Instagram these days. You can find me here, should you wish: www.instagram.com/cain_unable?...

This pretty much sums me up.

Presumably this is Pac-Man for South Africans.

“You will be visited by three spirits.”

The Olympics are fine and yes Olympians work quite hard but my ability to get a Christmas dinner out on time while absolutely off my fucking face should be celebrated FAR more than it is.

-"I've spent the last bloody hour doing that thing to sprouts so they cook better." -"A little cross?" -"I'm fucking furious mate."

If Evri manage to get all my Christmas parcels to me undamaged that’ll be completely unpressiedented. Yes. *Lips on mic* Un-pressie-dented.

I forgot how hot Ghostbusters Sigourney Weaver was. *Rubs thighs*

I worked in a professional kitchen for like five years in the 90s so I’m actually legally entitled to refer to my Christmas lunch prep as ‘’mise en place” whatever my wife says.

Ho ho ho.

Made a coffee and I almost forgot to put booze in it. Phew.

Making this face all the way through Carry On.

We’re watching Carry On on Netflix. I’m pretty confident you can see some of the plot holes from space.

When you get a dog it’s a very short step from "No of course he won't be allowed on the bed!" to "We'll hang his stocking in the middle."

This bay is usually calm and quiet but today, full of kelpies.

Made actual eggnog because I’m wholesome as fuck me.

A Christmas story in 4 parts. Brought to you by the ineptitude of Morrisson’s. 🙄

Why is there a parking bay only for women with uneven boobs?

Me when I eat the bounty, toffee penny or dark chocolate toblerone for my family.

Christmas can begin.

Makes tea that’s incredibly weak and every time it’s in hot water it squirms horribly and blames someone else.

When a French person offers me something I don't want.

Time to watch Hans Gruber fall off the Nakatomi Plaza. 🎄

I’m near peak performance at this time of year.

🎶Driving home for Christmas, I can’t wait to see their faeces🎶 www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Me 40 minutes after running out of hyaluronic acid moisturiser.

Christmas Lego is out.

It’s the shortest dy of the year tody.

This time a decade ago I drove a shit car, I was close to getting divorced, I worked a job I hated, I was unfit, overweight & I was unhappy, but now ten years later, I've decided I quite like that car.

Did you know that if you drink too much sparkling wine & drive you can be proseccocuted.

“Oh you thought it was *your* pen? Despite it being on someone else’s desk? Ok, hands behind your back buddy.”

“Don’t give up your job to become a wildlife photographer” they said. “You’ll go bankrupt” they said. “I’m so hungry Daddy” they said. Well who’s laughing now?! Ker-ching!!

Ugh! I hate it when people do this.

Didn’t have all the ingredients for my quinoa & broccoli salad so I replaced the quinoa with bread, the broccoli with sausages and the salad with tomato ketchup. Follow me for more healthy recipes.

Hey #totp fans. Just a reminder that BBC4 starts it's run of Christmas episodes tonight at 7pm. It's a good night for me. ISIHAC on Radio 4 at 6.30pm, then #totp at 7pm. Followed by #OnlyConnect at 8pm and #universitychallenge at 8.30pm.

I have four days of work before I can get drunk and eat cheese for two whole weeks. I’ll repair the damage in January.

I’ve got Mariah Carey’s Christmas present.

Just watched Home Alone.

Am I a bad parent if just occasionally, when my children are fighting I don’t think “Stop it!”, I think…

Went from Christmas panic to having completed my Christmas shopping today. Feeling Christmassy as fuck now.

🎶 It’s beginning to look a lot like Christ-mas🎶🎄

One day I will grow the fuck up. Today is not that day.

Do we do #TOTP on Bluesky?

I just complained to the BBC about something.

Handsome buzzard on the gatepost, until my chickens told it to fuck off.

Somebody just wished me happy Friday.

Christmas panic setting in already. 😬

“Put your money where your mouth is!” my old Dad used to shout. Lovely man, choked to death on a £2 coin.

I’ve been in America you insensitive prick!! 😭