My 12yo kid is watching a scary movie. I just jump scared him. He was mad and told me, “I’m pressing charges!” LOL I love it.

The difference. Jalapeño: Green, hot HOT hot, kinda spicy, done. Habanero: Sweet, warm, warmer, hot hot HOT HOT HOTTER HOTTER MOUTH FLAMES JESUS CHRIST HOT HOT gone.

Grillo’s hot spears are the real deal. I didn’t believe the hype, but those are some delicious (mostly mild) pickles. Watch out for the pieces of jalapeño or habanero in there. I just ate one and suffered for 10 minutes with the crying and the runny nose and the burning tongue. Glavin! 🥒🔥

Eff Ay, Eff Oh. Please clap.

I like simple pleasures like butter in my ass, lollipops in my mouth, and a new season of Below Deck with Captain Sandy. That’s just me. That’s just something that I enjoy.

Anyone who expresses astonishment at the noise cancelling capabilities of AirPods has never spent time with my officemate.

Just watched “Barbarian” and it’s even more fucked up than “Weapons”. Which is to say it’s the better horror movie. I liked them both. I don’t respect Keith’s decisions.

My planning skills are lacking. Kublai Khan TX with Gideon, Guilt Trip and Drain tonight in Silver Spring. Blackbraid in Baltimore on Friday. How am I missing these amazing shows?

It just fuckin' occurred to me that Fear's lead singer (and occasional actor), Lee Ving is... "leaving". I'm fuckin' 52 years old, you guys.

Doubled up on that vaxx action. Flu in the left, COVID in the right. Come at me, bro!

There better not be a rapture or whatever. My son just started working at the area's best sushi restaurant, and I haven't scored a "family discount" yet!

I know the use of this word is bad. But, goddammit, what a bunch of pussies.

Took a half day PTO to go to the grocery store to make steak fajitas, sautéed peppers and onions, refried beans with a bit of cheese mixed in, and Mexican rice. The 16yo went to work, and the 12yo went to the high school football game with a friend. So, yeah. Shit was delicious though.

My 16yo son went to his first day at his first job today. He found it and applied himself without any help from anyone. It’s just a host/bus job at a restaurant but I’m so fucking proud of him.

I love watching cooking shows. I especially love it when a Mexican chef is all “yadda yadda toRR-TEE-jahs” and “blah blah guah-HEE-jah CHEE-less.” Warms my pinche corazón. Happy Mexican Independence Day, gringos.

I grew these. By “I”, I mean my wife. By “my wife”, I mean that a rogue tomato plant sprouted on its own in front of the house and she’s the one who tends to this wild and prolific beast. It’s making like 4-5 pints a day. The second photo is one day’s harvest.

I got fired today for saying that Kevin Sorbo and Chachi didn’t actually do their own stunts.

Hey @catoctincreek.bsky.social @scohar70.bsky.social @ryewhisky.bsky.social I'm normally that Roundstone Rye guy, but the Watershed Gin is frickin' fantastic! On sale, too! More people should buy it, if you ask me.

Be’lakor at Underground Arts in Philly. Jesus christ wept these guys are amazing.

Imagine being the one guy who shows up to a death metal show in a flat cap only to have one other guy show up and steal your whole look.

I’m in my 50s. The moshpit is a younger man’s game.

Solemn Vision in Philadelphia. Fantastic set.

So, yeah, hey. University of South Florida has a football team, you guys.

I knew the fucker was still alive yesterday morning when his motorcade sped past us for an important appointment at the fuckin' golf course.

Went to a BBQ last Saturday and none of the parents were aware that they had to suspend making Mr. Belvedere because the British guy injured himself by sitting on his own balls. They all asked "how do you know this?" and my response is, "how do you NOT know it?" Philistines.

I never really cooked in the kitchen before we moved to this house in 2018—only grilled. Now I do it all the time and I fucking love it. I should have started decades ago!

Remember before Covid it was already almost impossible to buy soap that wasn’t antibacterial? Same thing now but with honey. I don’t want all of my food options to include some faux gourmet honey angle. Just give me spicy or savory food without the bee vomit!

Explaining to my 16yo. why I offer to buy hockey tickets for other people at the reduced price after having just screamed at the car dealership salesmen for making us wait 45 minutes to begin the finance procedure: "It's because I'm a nice guy."

"I left my wallet in a Cracker Barrel parking lot" sounds better than "I gave my life to Jesus in El Segundo" if you ask me.

Master of Puppets. Without doubt. Flawless.

For the sake of your own sanity, and if you value your time in the slightest, never go to AutoNation Honda Dulles for any reason. The entire enterprise is a slapdash exercise in disorganization, ineptitude, and failure.

Well, shit. RIP Brent Hinds.

My fuckin kids are so fuckin lazy. And moody. And frustrating. We are the first parents on Earth to have two shitty teenagers at the same time. I don’t like it none too much.

Someone give me an invite to new Digg?

The 🚗 salesman says they don't accept electronic $ for used, and you've already requested a check be mailed from the loan company, but the finance dept says "now you'll have to wait for the check" b/c electronic is *preferred* and you leave without the 🚗. How do they sell a single fucking car ever?

Just learned that every student at our middle school can eat free breakfast and lunch without filling out an application for any reason. This should happen at every elementary and middle school in the country.

Mildly decrease a band. Increase a band. What’s the worst airport? No, what’s the best airport? Do you like eggs? Why do you hate eggs? Explanation not needed but welcomed. Who is your favorite Beatle? Why isn’t it Ringo? Why do you hate the Beatles? Are you a fucking fascist? I love bsky.

The 16yo's inability to get every ice cube from the fridge dispenser into his water bottle 🤬. Cubes fall and skitter everywhere. Yesterday, all the cubes went in, and he gloated. He twerked at me. Later refill, 4 cubes spilled & hit the floor. "That's pride fuckin' with you, son." I got in trouble.

"Weapons": I have opinions. No spoilers. It was a good, unique horror movie. There were moments when the theater was 100% silent. There were scenes when we all reacted together. It was fun! Didn't live up to the hype. Not being a snob; there are more shocking (mainstream) horror movies out there. B+

Going to see “Weapons” tomorrow with the 16yo son. I’m excited for the terrifying bonding opportunity.

What's up with all the em dash hate these days? Have nazis started using punctuation properly or something?

Out of town but weighing in. Rest in Power, Ozzy. You were and will remain a god. Go fuck yourself, Terry aka Hulk Hogan you piece of shit.

We only recently started watching "Bosch" but it's clear to me that Crate and Barrel are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. It's kind of great.

[Picking up my kid from baseball practice] A dad: [noticing] How many Lamb of God shirts do you have? Me: Not enough. Why? #lambofgod #rva #metal

Anyone else cut the stems off spinach before putting it in a salad? Or am I a crazy person?

My dog is otter shaped.

Locked down tickets for Be'lakor in Philadelphia in September with my ride or die live music brother, @fakeaccount.com. We've been to so many shows together over the last 28 years that I lost count. I love you, brother!

Spent $$$ on an expensive new baseball bat for the 12yo. He's never gotten a new bat because of his older brother. It finally arrived today. The first message I got was: "Oh my god Holy moly It's here" The second was: "You ordered a 30 inch you didn’t clarify with me" AYFKM? 🤬

In spite of all of today’s horrors, they played Erasure’s “Blue Savannah” at the local grocery store as I was shopping for chicken and beers this evening. This feels like when a movie plays a happy song to an oblivious shopper as the zombies consume their neighbors in the parking lot.

I fuckin' knew it. Fuck the Carolina Hurricanes, man.