Trump’s fake reason for the Canadian tariffs is because we’re bringing drugs over the US border. You know, that drug, that Canada makes, that America just can’t get enough of it? No, no that one. Not that one either. Insulin.

Are you sick and tired of being an American? Well, print this off, attach it to a stick—and plant it on your lawn. Start telling everyone you now identify as a Canadian Your new pronouns: Oh / Eh

Now that’s how you have a peaceful and respectful transfer of power. 🇨🇦❤️

Canada exports $1.6 billion in toilet paper to the US. *twists mustache evil maniacally… Shit is about to get real 😆

I love that this piece went viral on Substack--and absolutely adore that Americans were cheering us Canuckleheads on. ♡

Can you get back on the horse again? ...or Pogo stick?

t’s so cold where I live in Canada that even our portapotty’s need winter coats. To keep shit from freezing I guess.

Someone out there is holding their breath waiting for you to fail. After 5 minutes without oxygen, humans can experience brain damage…let them hold it til you succeed.

While Canada takes most of what the Hungry Hungry Hypocrite says with a grain of salt and 5th of tequila, your threats of a northern takeover are irksome. It went from the good-natured ribbing that our country is used to, to actual annexation aspirations. But I have a solution for Genghis Don…

Dear Trump, Thank you for your ‘kind’ offer to annex our country of Canada. But we are currently disinclined to acquiesce to your request. That’s ‘fuck off’ in Polite. ~Sincerely, Canada

The start of the story of my dog-park-dude romance...

Yeah, because they deserve it. They’re better people than people.

This guy figured out the secret code to women—we just want giant blocks of cheese.

Scholastic book fairs were the ultimate in flexing that allowance and babysitting money.

Whoever does this is evil, and I like your style.

I just heard the most epic insult—"Well, aren’t you just a waste of 2 billion years of evolution”.

On behalf of Canada...we're good. Sorrey.

The grown up version of Go Fish is certainly an adjustment 😆

I’m desperately hoping Santa can fit this down the chimney that I don’t have.

One of the rare upsides of adulthood (otherwise it's a trap).

I figured out why all us meat sacks are wandering the earth, probably.

Sigh, me too Jason...me too.

These days there's far too many dicktim's out there pussyfooting about.

Always keep people on their toes 😆

I will curse your entire future genetic line if you add a dish while I'm doing them.

The average adult has sex 54 times per year. Based on that math—the last two weeks of this month are about to be wild for me. 😎

My old girl appreciates the new coat I got her. I tried to repurpose last year’s to fit over her ever-growing humpback…but it wasn’t working. Her badonkadonk didn’t fit in it.

Be proud of all you’ve accomplished, even if it’s not as much as you’d hoped. Because—spoilers —it’s never as much as we hope.

Another thing I wrote, for those of us who are cool cucumbers in a world spinning out of control.

😆😆 I need to do more motherfuckering these days.

Who’s gonna tell Walmart that their Christmas decoration looks like a unicorn’s butt plug?

We’re here for you, America.

This is marketing that would 100% work on me.

This would immediately be my most-used emoji.

Laugh responsibly peeps.

Is there extra-slutty olive oil? That's the food lube I need in my life.

Did you know funny poetry is 'a thing'. I write it. Here's one for those of us packing a pharmacy in our totes.

I love the cross-stitch community more and more each day 😆

Yup, I relate to this face more and more every dang day. 😆

Well, this joke aged perfectly. 😆

Pft, who has the time for that many people?

I'm still working on being UNFUCKWITHABLE, but I'm getting there. This is by far one of my most-read and most-loved articles.

‘What did you do last night Robin?’ “oh me? I went to pound land...it's over in pound town'

This is too accurate 😆. Nobody bats an eye naming them things like boobies, tits, woodcock—or my personal fav’s hoary puffleg, horned screamer, and satanic nightjar.

Here's ma old girl. At 16 and a half she and her hump take a lot of naps. When she's not napping she's guarding a bell tower.

I understand why The Golden Girls have made a comeback hehe.

Random person watching their child run feral: “My child is an angel”. Yeah, so was Satan.

Because...boobs.

Mistakes are just whoopsy-fucks that you turn into birds :)

Shenanigator—my word of the day, it’s someone who instigates shenanigans.