So for some reason I wake up with a randomly selected personality every day, and today I woke up with toxic "conservative white male" kind of values and I really hope I hate this and that this is not me. I really wish someone could show me who I truly am and how to get rid of the toxic sides

Dark souls session so good I can barely walk afterwards

I like how all my problems regarding identity and what to do with my life generally boil down to "do I want to be a participant, or just continue being an observer?"

Man, sure is harder to concentrate on programming when every 2 minutes my brain goes "imagine having hair you could pull out of a hoodie and tie up, OR like freckles and those clear frame round glasses, truly peak"

I wish I could split my life in two

Funny how giving up on being a person with emotions for two days let up the pressure enough for me to reset and gain back some joy in life Went from wanting pain to not caring about anything and being a literal work drone to finally getting more positive and regaining some hope for the future

Just got reminded of how I for some reason volunteered to get my legs waxed, using duct tape, by the girls in my scout unit, only to then make weird hats using that same roll of tape

My jaw might be one bad bite away from dislocation. You could say I'm slightly unhinged

Wasted 90% of the weekend hating myself, but at least I got to enjoy the 3 last hours before having to go to bed Thanks in part to silksong and youtube.com/shorts/FMgk9...

Maybe being a person isn't for me and I should just pour everything into problem solving

shitty self portrait

So I am unsure and afraid But I have now rationally assessed hrt and figured out the only real problem is how to explain it to my parents and extended family. Which ultimately means there are no blockers on trying hrt for a couple of months, since I could do that without telling anyone.

Fuck being a person. I'm tired of this fucking shit.

Aaand now I seem to have gotten to the problem: the question shouldn't be "am I or am I not?", it should be "am I allowed to?". I have never really been able to answer an "am I this?" question, and have always relied on the "it is okay to be this and I can't really deny I am".

It is kind of funny how my brain agrees that the person I want to be and the personality I have, don't fit the body and life I have been living. But it doesn't want to admit that it could be anything like dysphoria, "it's just that I am a robot that has shackled myself to a boring life"

My brain is like a fucking yoyo My day has been: Wake up: I can't be trans Lunch: I really really wish I was a girl :3 Dinner: wtf am I on about. I am just delusional and confuse being trans with not being a robot Down in the dumps Realize I want to try anyway I really want to be a girl :3

Public crashout * y a a y *

FYI: I am by no means saying, or intending to imply, that trans people are mentally ill. I am saying *I* am probably not trans and instead am mentally ill.

Woke up: "wtf did I say yesterday, I'm mentally ill" Went to work: "almost like the gender issues are caused by depression and not identity" Home: "man, being a girl would be so fun and comfy :3" Fear: "except I could never be that" Bad: "and now I bother my friend with my insecurities like a stupi

I am incredibly good at fostering false hope, only to rip it out from under me. Only thing I'm better at is not finishing projects...

mrrping starts in the shower

"the 'it would be really fun to be the high elf archer in goblin slayer or the priestess, being expressive and cute in a comfy party of adventurers, but that's just fantasy, I could never be that' is just normal, like people wishing they could be astronauts" is probably cope and just me being afraid

I must say, having your personality randomly selected from 3 candidates, with unknown weights, every time you wake up is confusing to say the least...

"I have found out what's wrong with me: me. Without me, I am much happier"

I want to politely restrict the air flow through the intake pipe of the barely humanoid fuck who decided typescript was anything but a great contribution to global warming and cases of personal injury accidents

Aaa How funny I have been really looking forward to being able to cry watching anime, and the one day I revert back to my old self to pick up something from my mom, I almost cried like three times watching Kikoru get tortured. Would have been the best day ever if it didn't imply everything was fake

Turning the volume up way too high on noise cancelling headphones is a double edged sword. On the one hand you get to escape the hellish office soundscape, but on the other hand, your boss could always rock up behind your ass, without you noticing, and tap you on the shoulder...

Thought I had given up on everything gender, but then I "randomly realized" that "you don't have to do it all in 1 instant, you can take it slow and decide how you want to approach it as you go" after watching the bazillionth video saying eggxactly this...

I hate how I always perform a flawless combo then die only to next attempt fumble everything and somehow beat the boss without realizing it...

Micro sleeping is so funny because what do you mean I can't push my changes because I wrote the commit message in a 1 second long dream

Man, city cats don't give a flying fuck. Trying to get this cat to back off my territory by hissing, and it just looks at me like I'm small, weak and stupid...

I wonder when I went from anxious, to the depressive personality type. Just half a year ago, elevated pulse alongside fever and difficulty breathing would have thrown me straight into anxious panic. Now my reaction is just "guess I'm dying, if I survive the night I should probably get it checked"

1% away from the answer to life, the universe and communism

Suggesting that the people talking might be making a fundamental measurement error in a room of only senior devs and team leads + me the new hire, is so much easier than the nerve wracking sweat drenching experience of buying yuri manga in a physical store...

So apparently the times when I get confused and start to doubt everything about myself are just that. Like, I get doubting gender, but I also doubt liking anime, which is just hilariously stupid. It almost seems like a defense mechanism that tries to remove everything that can be seen as not normal.

Really funny how my mood is infinitely better when I don't have to be in an office around people. I don't go hating my skin for hours on end and can just relax and be boolin. (I also become suspiciously submissive, but that might be unrelated...)

I find it kind of funny how I have seemingly learned nothing from having doubted the correctness of my autism diagnosis for *checks notes* 17 years. Like, by now I should probably have learned to stop doubting that I have ever experienced depression or dysphoria, and accept it is okay not to attrib-

So apparently the "I give up on everything gender. I could never be a girl anyway and trying more would just end in pain" was a ploy to see how I would react to speaking with friends as a "delusional dude". The spite I felt afterwards pushed me to figure more things out. Well played brain

Curiosity killed the catgirl... (got too curious over why one of the most senior devs decided to copy out an array and then sum, instead of summing immediately, since a copy is probably more expensive than an unrolled sum loop. So anyway, I challenge my senior on perf in a fucking debug stopwatch..)

I really wanna shove this solid up my ass, platonically

My life is truly a comedy. When I finally dreamt about my gender issues (except that one time I dreamt about being a cross dressing magical girl in the space marine), I woke up with severe muscle spasms and sensory issues in my right hand...

I find it funny how my brain can go from hating myself and totally rejecting the possibility of being trans, to later that day becoming really defensive when other people even unintentionally reject it.

You know you have played too much silksong when you see a red necklace and immediately imagine wacking it with a nail...

Want to be degraded and abused. Body won't let me hurt myself. Silksong is fun and not punishing enough. Degradation asmr is too positive. Why am I not allowed to hurt myself in safe ways without consequences?

What a banger last ep. My cheeks hurt from smiling too hard and I have tears in my eyes from seeing Akira and Marin interact.

I'm kind of tired of having a body. Time to become a floating orb

"Being a maid sounds kind of nice. Although doing this for 8 hours would be fucking exhausting." was spoken when thigh highs were being washed by hand

I love harmonics

Funny how accepting I'm an egg made me go from being disinterested in living to being hopeful for the future, caring about my health and actually enjoying life.