How’s it going over here? Still mega ass but without all the hitlery nonsense?

🎵 in the car I just can’t wait to diarrhea on our very first date

My penis is long my attention span is short

My IQ? I don’t have one, I had it surgically removed so I didn’t have to worry about it. Do you want to drink 17 beers and fuck like rabid animals?

*extremely graphic slurping sounds*

Suplex anyone you don’t like through a table. Your body isn’t getting any younger, be violent while you still can.

Trying to escape through the chimney but getting stuck cause of my boner :(

You ever be fucking but like, silly style?

They’re calling Pepsi “Dr. Pepsi” now. Have you heard about this? They’re saying Pepsi went to medical school so it can remove your appendix if it wants to.

The sports people are telling me brisketball can’t be a sport. They’re telling me no one wants to hit a big juicy roast with a bat into a net.

When life gives you lemons, now you have lemons. Wow. Sour yellow balls.

In America you have hand foot and mouth disease. In Germany they have Hans foot and mouth disease which can only be transmitted from Hans to Hans.

There was a horse at the bar the other night and when I asked the bartender about it he said I shouldn’t talk to the horse cause it’s full of shit. Apparently it tells everyone it’s descended from the Trojan horse.

🎵 she’s a bad girl, loves osama, bin laden and the hezbollah too

They’re saying I’m going to the steakhouse, eating 5 porterhouse steaks, drinking 13 beers, and fighting an off duty cop

They kicked me out of planet fitness after the lunk alarm sounded in the locker room when I took my pants off. They’re saying I can’t have all of this meat in the locker room.

I met Robert Redford 7 years ago and before we parted ways he looked me in the eyes and said “kid, you’ve got the right mix of fat cock and charm that will take you places.” RIP to a legend, I’ll carry your legacy forward 🫡

Pornography? Never heard of it. Is it anything like geography? Perhaps an atlas of sucking and fucking?

You’re taking zinc supplements for your semen? Brother, I am snorting tungsten powder. My cock cream is bullets.

Windows has stopped working? Brother, I can see out them just fine.

If you had this much hawg you’d spend all day cranking it too

You guys still doing this bsky thing?

I paid Slenderman $5 to stop by your house and stick his long ass fingers in your mouth, happy birthday

Oh shit, that’s where I left my penis. Thanks for keeping an eye on it, yall are the best

I think people on this app don’t like me because I bring a kind of violently horny vibe that scares the dudes who are trying to impress the hoes

Chat, should I become one of those people who complains about how their posts never get any likes?

Yeah I’m poly, poly gonna kill myself if my girlfriend starts fucking other dudes

Been drawing a lot of stinky buttholes recently. You can tell they’re the stinky ones from the little stink lines I also drew.

I am begging you people to stop following me. I am not cool, I say deranged things, I have a startlingly large penis. I am not for you.

There are no boobies on this website and that is sad

When Catholic schools need to close for bad weather can the principal call it or do they have to ask the pope?

I know why you all started following me. You’re just trying to see my penis. Joke’s on you, I only show it on twitter where I can make the incels and nazis mad because of its enormous size.

Pillsbury Doughboy gonna give you that dough nut

*Batman’s mechanic who really hates Bruce Wayne* hey Mr. Batman, I installed a dildo cannon on the Batmobile. It’s like a regular cannon but it only shoots dildos, maybe you can test it out by shooting a dildo into Bruce Wayne’s mouth while he’s eating at Dorsia.

Why did 100 of you just follow me? Did you not look at the nonsense I write here? Do you really want the things I think to show up on your timeline? You need to make better choices.

People are very upset about a joke I made about naming my cat “The Masterbater” and they shouldn’t be because in the joke I am the one who has to tell the vet that The Masterbater needs his rabies shot, not them.

Just saw a meme that said Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital instead of Jesus style like all the ones before him

If I had a billion dollars I would make a big dinosaur out of dollar bills

I don’t want a candle that smells like spaghetti. I want a candle that is spaghetti, I want to eat candles and not get weird looks.

I think children should have to ride on the outside of the airplane

It’s that time of year again, please tell me your favorite Christmas song and I will tell you what you stuck up your butt that sent you to the ER. I’m doing this on the *other* site too

Using one of those old timey cannon bore brushes to pack your tailpipe full of sauerkraut

Heard the police found you in your car listening to The Veronicas and crying. Shame.

This Christmas I have replaced Mariah Carey with Mariah Caray. Instead of singing she will ask important questions like, if Santa was made of spare ribs would ya eat him?

Blue Cross, Blue Shield, Blue Balls :(

I am sorry you heard me taking an extremely loud crap at Thanksgiving. I did not expect the walls to be that thin.

I wish this was a better app (you could receive titties in your DMs). I think it shows promise (DMs could probably support sending titties), but for now it’s just lacking something (titties in my DMs).

Working as a caricature artist but I only draw the customer as a meatloaf in a silly hat

You should be allowed to marinade or brine household objects. You think this lamp is cool? Just wait until it’s been through a 24 hour teriyaki marinade.

I am petitioning the Trump administration to put resources into swapping the eyes and the nipples on humans instead of doing racism and ruining the economy