Best idea I’ve had all week.

Every other paragraph in our MMC’s POV is just “Gods, she’s so beautiful.” Which unfortunately means the e2l tension was a finite resource that barely held the glue in the binding of book 1 and is now depleted

I want them to hate each other until they die and kill everything that would dare come between them.

If UMinnesota has no fans I’m dead

The good news is: it does look like they forced an editor upon her. The bad news is: it was not enough.

Starting off strong with one of my least favorite trends in fiction: multiple POVs

Is anyone watching UDA NATIONALS and do you want to scream about it with me

Oh you thought we were done? 660 copper-edged pages, baby

At the core of this is my best friend, who’s never been as voracious and relentless a reader as I have been in the 20+ years she’s known me. She reads sporadically. The kind of reading reserved for plane rides or rainy days. She couldn’t tell you what a fandom is or what you’d even do with a fanfic.

It’s finished. It’s done. The worst part is that my alarm is going off in 3 hours and I can’t even say the lack of sleep was worth it.

My jaw is on the fucking floor. I shit you not, this is unraveling like the end of a scooby doo episode. Just hand fed the entire plot by the bad guys.

Never seen a plot twist ending fumbled so hard

I bet this hit so hard on wattpad

We’re at the point in the book where the author knows things need to come to an end, so she’s fumbling the last 7 chapters like a giraffe chasing an avalanche.

“I’m about to introduce you to all seven gods. When you meet them, don’t forget to tell them I’m the one you worship on your knees.”

Never in my life NEVER IN MY LIFE have I seen an author so blatantly break the fourth wall to make sure readers were correctly pronouncing something she left out of the pronunciation guide (something I loathe but begrudgingly tolerate) that preceded Ch 1.

Reached the big monologue fated mates confession scene and have to say— “But then she snapped your neck. And I felt you die.” lives rent free in my head and has never been surpassed.

You know how you know Velveeta is garbage but you eat enough shitty mac and cheese and you’re like, okay well I guess this could only be worse if it were literal dog shit, and then one day you find yourself kinda excited to eat the velveeta mac and cheese? That’s me and Quicksilver at 76% finished.

Another 100 pages apart, a sword that splintered into “thousands of shards” becomes five hundred….for seemingly NO REASON.

Once again, I am reminded how Jude Duarte was exquisitely and eternally That Bitch.

Lmao I’m sorry but—

Do u think my best friend knows that how this author writes breathplay is actually so fucking dangerous or do I risk revealing too much about my sex life by advising her not to let her husband GRAB HER BY THE WINDPIPE

If I say I want McDonald’s, understand that my uterus is doing things god himself feels bad about and bring me my fucking mcnuggets before I light your shirt on fire with you still in it

I’m absolutely fucking cackling. We couldn’t pay an editor for this book. We couldn’t keep track of the shape of the plot-central talisman. Our protagonist is a fucking dumdum. We ripped off about a half-dozen YA fantasy romances. But THIS—this thing that’s been hinted at relentlessly—THIS is it??

7/10 for the first smut scene in the book, but to be fair, I have read the highest echelons of smut writing in fanfic and there is simply no comparison

“Such a pretty flower blooming just for me” I’M GONNA THROW UP

What if the thing that makes me close this book once and for all is that she deadass in all seriousness calls them her “boobs”

STEPHANIE, SUE HER.

TWILIGHT????

The only redeeming factor I’ve found in this book at 55% in is the author’s penchant for damsel in distress scenes. Unfortunately, that is my eternal weakness and I will eat that shit up and lick the plate clean every fucking time.

The problem with this being in first person is that our narrator is a fucking idiot and thus I feel like a fucking idiot reading, “I found a clean pair of pants and a fresh shirt in one of the drawers that were my size (obviously meant for me)” like it wasn’t obvious considering NO ONE ELSE IS THERE

We’ve reheated Beauty and the Beast and Shadow and Bone’s nachos as well.

100 pages apart, and we’ve gone from describing the same necklace as a silver chain with a disc to a silver chain with a rectangular pendant. Mind you, this talisman has a pretty significant role in the story.

The girlies who love Quicksilver because the mean bad shadow man can scent the feisty hidden power girl’s arousal would throw up at the mere cliff notes of an AO3 A/B/O fic, and that’s how I know they don’t know ball like we know ball.

I cannot emphasize enough how fucking BAD this book is. In every way a book can be bad.

Another week, another therapy session where I talk about things that are not that important but I make them seem like they matter so I don’t have to talk about the important things that really do matter. 😎

I’m straight up NOT calling this guy “Kingfisher” for the next 550 pages

The homoeroticism of your fae captor applying rosebud salve to your lips for all ten nights of your traumatic recovery from near-death

Oh. So it’s ACOTAR fanfic.

“Making my mouth sweat” is to Quicksilver as “watery bowels” is to ACOTAR. What happened to just saying “sick to my stomach”?

Not just beautiful. SAVAGELY beautiful. Every time lmfao

Oh my god

An actual snippet: “The ground that I had assumed was solid stone beneath my feet was nothing of the sort. …but the ground at my feet, the pool at my feet. …It hadn’t been like this a moment ago. It had been solid.” In a 6-sentence paragraph, those are 4 of the sentences.

Bitch there is no fucking way this is what’s happening

In more “please. for the love of god. hire an editor.” laments from Inky, there is an exhausting quality to this writing that is fryyyyying me. “I couldn’t stop. I had no control over it. I didn’t want this to happen, so I made it not happen. I willed it not to happen. Because it couldn’t happen.”

Begging someone to tell me it gets better

When world-building in a quasi-original fantasy novel, the temptation to rename common things by uncommon names will be far too great, so one must continually ask oneself, “Am I trying to make fetch happen?”, and should one find they are indeed trying to make fetch happen, they must simply stop.

Did we stop employing editors? Are self-publishers bringing in *shudders* beta readers in place of professional editors? I’m deadass.

A book this long cannot afford to be this slow in moving the plot the fuck along. 😑