The survívors wer louking for rescu. Sum thoat the ship had sunk, udders sed it wos the mushrooms. But the gods wer enrággd and coudn be placáted. And the survívors felt uterly mìserabel in thear wet soks.

Meenwyl, the gangs march throo Lundon after capturing the hoely flag ov St. Georgg. The Preests ov thee Oek Groev hav kerst them, and the Nyts ov the Bloo Bouk ar cuming for them. At doan, the flag ov the land shal be snacht awae from ther wiked hands. And thae wil trembel at the syt ov the Nyts.

And the preests perfórmd the hoely gaeming festival. The mushroom drinkers sat in a cerkel, and thee òrakels plaed Mario and Castlevania in the moonlit Oek Groev. Thus hav thae dun sins the stoen aegg.

Is it oenly thee Oek Groev thats feeling it, or ar we geting the ferst syns ov autum ryt in the midel ov August? Lawst nyt, the cheef preest had to cloez his windoes, thats hau chily thee air cuming in wos. Louk aut for the ferst hints ov morning mist, yee erthlinns, maebe as erly as next week!

Hwy is the ryt obsèst widd freedom ov speech? To misrepresènt it as a lícens for haet speech. And hwot is thear interest in haet speech? To get citisens bisy haeting eech udder. Lest enywun awsk hwy the rich ar not taxt.

Hwen thae sae “weer oal in this togedder,” thae meen ew bael aut them, not thee udder wae around. Hwen ew sink, ew draun. Hwen thae sink, thae bild a goelden yot from yor taxes and naem it “The Free Market”. Werds ov Hedwynne

The richest 1% hav mor muny than thae coud spend in a hundred lyftyms. So thae spend it convìncing us that shearing woud sumhau maek us pur. Thae doent feer poverty. Thae feer equolity. King Arthur didn dy. He emérggd tryùmfant from Mons Badonicus. Thus spoek Hedwiynne, Nyt ov the Bloo Bouk.

Thæ tœld us ræsing the minimum wægg woud destróy thee ekònomy. Then thæ gæv themselvs ræses in the milions and coald it incèntiv. Its strængg hau thee ekònomy œnly colàpses hwen its awr tern to eet. (Bouk ov Hedwynne, IV, 3-18)

Sum pépel wont to tax the rich. Udders wont to eet the rich. Y say: hwy not boeth? Séson to taest. If werkers stopt werking, bilionairs woud starv. If bilionairs dissapeerd, werkers woud hav lunch. (Bouk ov Hedwynne, III, 4-27)

Thee udder wershipers foloed the next dae, awfter the maggik pócion had been drunk. The Preests sacrifyst the pink cats to thee ánggels ov blud. And hwen darkness fel oever the Oek Groev, the raen ternd bloo and thee incantácions wer spoeken.

Hwear be the mushroom eeting cats? Do thae waet widd the färys behynd the tree awfter dark? Hwot if the sun dusn ryz agen? Cum to thee Oek Groev, ye preests, the tym for the sécret sacrifys aproeches.

To the mushroom eeters: Bee it noen that the moest vènerabel Nythoud ov the Bloo Bouk is órganysing the ferst serch party for the Bloo Bouk in mor than 200 yers.

Hels Hospitality Guyd: Welcum to Helheim! Pleez enjoy awr endless grey fog, lookworm despair and complimentary emócional numness. We regrèt to infórm ew thers noe Wy-Fy. Hawever, we doo hav a gift shop. It oenly sels sílens, in värios jars.

Lokis Miror: Loki loukt into a miror and soa evrywun he had ever pretènded to be. He syd, terned into a chair and declaird he wos emócionaly unaválabel. The miror is nau in thèrapy. Weekly sessions. Very expènsiv. Cùverd by trikster insurans.

The Nornss FAQ: Q: Can Y chaengg my faet? A: Oenly if yoor wiling to barter widd wun sok, too ridels and a goos that noes yor troo naem. Q: Hwot hapens if Y miss my faet apointment? A: We reshèduel ew as a mínor bakgraund kàrakter in a sàga abaut cheez and regrèt.

Tors Díet Plan: Tor went kéto wuns. Aet nuthing but goets and thunder. Lost 2 paunds ov dignity and gaend 7 new enemys. Mjölnir wos unimprest and suggèsted thèrapy. Tor hit it widd itself.

Odins Loyalty Card: For evry y ew sacrifys, ew get wun free vision ov thee univers. Terms and condicions apléy: – Nœ refùnds – Visions mæ inclúd unsolicited wizdom, runik ridels or yor œn screeming fæs reflècted in a pool of meed – Valid at partìcipæting rævens œnly

Bifröst Mántenans Repórt: Bifröst, the raenboe brigg, has been parcialy cloezd for divín repairs. Heimdall blaems "kosmik wear and tear." Loki claems its bicoz sumwun treyd to skaetbord acròss it during Mercury rètrograed. Èstimaeted réópening: hwenever the gods agré on sumthing. Soe, never.

Fenrirs Job Intervu: Thae awskt Fenrir hwear he soa himself in fyv yers. He sed, “Swolowing the sun, obviosly.” HR smyld oakwordly and oferd him a part-tym roel in Customer Anihilácion. Benefits inclúded dental, eternal chaens, and wun weekly haul into the void.

Norns and the Sheduling Problem: The Norns weev faet, but thae tripel-boukt my destiny. At 3pm Y wos ment to meet my soelmaet, stub my toe and bicum a mínor deïty. Du to deláys, Y just spild cofy and creyd in a supermarket. Erd shrugd. “Its oal conècted.”

Heimdals Dilèma: Heimdal sees oal, heers oal and gards the raenboe brigg. Yet he canot unsee the móment Y treyd to mícro-waev suep in a foil boel. He has peticiond the Norns to eraez it. The Norns declínd, cíting “narativ consistensy.”

Jörmungandrs Bouk Club: The Werld Serpent has red evry bouk that ezzists — and several that havnt. He nau hoests a club hwear participants must speek bakwords, underwoater, and widd noe memory ov linear tym. The ferst session cùverd Pryd and Prèjudis and Ragnarok. Darcy dys in evry version.

Fenrirs Meditácion Ap: Baund bineeth thee erth widd a sord in his joa, Fenrir nau ofers guíded meditácions. “Breedd in. Accept yor faet. Breedd aut. Swoloe the moon.” Rátings: 4.9 stars, thoe wun user complánd he kept hauling during myndfulness minuts.

Lokis Rècipy for Ontològgikal Disâster: Taek wun cup ov káos. Ster in the concept ov “trooth.” Baek it insyd a goet. Garnish widd írony. Serv to a room foul ov munks debáting hwedder spoons hav soels. Woch as tym foelds.

Odin hung from the Werld Tree for nyn daes to lern the ruens. Y wuns spent nyn minuts untangling my left sok from a fited sheet. We ar not soe diferent. Exept he gaend sécret wizdom and Y lost my dignity to statik cling.

The new mushrooms wer pikt hwen the sun ternd squair. The tunns ov blud dessènded upon the hoely Preests. Thae gadderd in thee Oek Groev awfter midnyt, hwen the wind bicaem bloo. And thee ox wos flying araund.

Tor had an ezzistencial kríssis. He smoet a gíant widd Mjölnir and then awskt softly, “But do Y stryk bicoz Y am strong, or am Y strong bicoz Y stryk?” The gíant, bréfly revívd by filossòfikal confusion, suggèsted thèrapy. Then promptly dyd agen.

Chair Bitrayal: This chair has supórted me throo yeers ov stùdy. Todae it squeekt during a sërios thoat. Y felt bitraed. 🪑🪑🪑 Biyond thee Oek Groev

Sok Filòssofy: Hwear do the soks goe? Ar thae escáping? Do thae yern for freedom? Thee awfterlyf!🧦🧦🧦 Sécrets ov thee Oek Groev

Cat Ékonòmiks: Invèsted three howers peting her. Retérn: wun blink. Noe per. The market is cruël. 🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈 Biyond thee Oek Groev

Wisard Problems: Treyd to sumon tee. Got an ezzistèncial kríssis in a cup. Stil drank it. 🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️🧙‍♂️ Sécrets ov thee Oek Groev

Toest ov Destiny: Bernt agen. Thus the pròfessy is fulfild: "Thau shalt noe frustrácion eech morn." 🍞🍞🍞 Biyond thee Oek Groev

Frog drama: He sed he wos a prins. Y kist him. He sued me for unsolicited enchàntment. 🐸🐸🐸 Sécrets ov thee Oek Groev

Mediéval Tym Managgment: Y set thy rooster to snooz thrys and nau the kinndom hath foalen. 🕰️ 🕰️ 🕰️ 🕰️ 🕰️ 🕰️ 🕰️ Thus spoek the preests.

Filossòfikal salad: letus not despair, for eevn the biterest leevs can bicum a nóbel César. 🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿 Thus spoek the preests.

Hwen the cat bihynd the moon crosses oever, the maggik dor oepens in thee Oek Groev and thee blud ánggels swing from tree to tree, awfter the yeloe raen. Mark the profets werds: The hamer ov Tor wil foal and the mushroom prys at Tescos wil incrés.

Saturdae! The dae ov hoely sacrifeys in thee Oek Groev. Prepair the mushrooms! Prepair the tree swinners!

Heer we goe agen, the trees ar waeting, The preests ar thear, ye mushroom drinkers, Swing and drink, swing, swing, swing and drink! Thee ánggels ov blud on hy shal be apézd.

Swinning from the tree the mushroom eeter pronóunst: During the raen, Y had free raen in the raen ov Henry ov Spaen. And oal oever thee Oek Groev the cat-gif shearing blak bikini dàncers aprúvd and apláuded.

Thee ánggels let it be anóunst: The Preesthoud has expânded to mor than wun mushroom eeter. The plæs on the tree stil awæts volunteers for the next blot: Œ cum, hœly fáthful, œ cum!

The best mushrooms wer pikt for the sumer solstis. The Preests wer hoeping to see thee ánggels ov blud agen. Thae gadderd in thee Oek Groev at midnyt, hwen the raen ternd yeloe. And thee ox berst into lawfter.