Day 1 starting a new book: I wrote 1000 words today! I am on fire! Day 2 starting a new book: oh no.

Since we already have the concept of “citizen’s arrest,” we should also allow for “citizen’s pardons.” Like, hey, my friend Lisa got a ticket for parking one half-inch over the painted line and that’s not right so as a citizen I hereby declare her $125 fine null and void.

In honor of spooky month, share a 4 word horror story that only someone in your profession would understand “Final edits due today.”

I think I’m really good at having Imposter Syndrome, but maybe I’m really not and it‘s just the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Pro tip: Murphy’s Oil Soap is *not* a good substitute for shower gel. Unless you want to be really shiny and smell like a gymnasium floor.

I’m cradling one of my cats and singing “I Stole an F-16” to her like a lullaby, if anyone is wondering how I’m doing mentally today.

I think the reason I haven’t been able to sleep lately is that ghost in my room who plays the accordion all night. It’s true – I think I have a polkageist.

Sometimes I look at my dog and wonder if they know how lucky they are to never have to use an authenticator app to get a code to log into a different app that they were just logged into eight minutes ago.

Happy "First Sunday of American Tightpants Sportsball" to all who celebrate.

I got out of bed without crying today so I think I deserve a lil treat

I accidentally got colored chalk on my shirt. Three minutes later FDOT showed up and sprayed me down with a power washer.

Knowing that most if not all of my professional writer friends are far more prolific and successful than I am is actually a Good Thing, because getting to interact with people at the top of the craft helps to make me better at it as well. Or at least is inspiration to try a little harder each day.

You guys I already got the air fryer for Taylor and Travis off their Target registry so you're gonna have to get them something else.

If you tell me we're going out to "sample the local spirits," you'd better be very specific as to whether we're drinking whiskies or going on a ghost tour. Because buddy I've been disappointed in both directions with that offer.

Some of you never had to spend your childhood listening to old Tom Carvel pitch his Cookie Puss cakes on WPIX and it shows.

Post Grape-Nut clarity

Hallmark is charging like $7 for a card now and there’s no way I’m paying that. I guess I'm just gonna write ”sorry your whole family died in that gruesome plane crash and were cannibalized by the survivors” on an index card and stick it in my friend’s mailbox. I’ll draw a flower on it or something.

Me: hey I need you to print this document. My printer: yeah I’ll think about it. Me: and print it double-sided. Printer: ““pRiNt iT DoUbLe sIdEd” omg you’re so needy. Me: would it help if I said “please?” Printer: [ network connection lost ]

Increase a band: My Chemical Marriage

Write. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rest. Revisit. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rewrite. Assess. Rewrite. Rewrite. Submit. Move on. Write...

I just shaved my face and head for the first time in six days and it looks like I slaughtered an Ewok in my shower.

My favorite iPhone feature has the be the one where the front camera automatically shows me at my worst possible angle every time I open it.

I cleaned out my fridge and threw away all the old condiments but I kept the mustard because it was still good even though it expired months ago and I think there’s a Dorian Grey Poupon joke in there somewhere

Fun fact: the average American has eaten more SpaghettiOs® in their lifetime than the entire population of London in 1689.

YOUR EMAIL FINDS ME IN CRYOGENIC SUSPENSION ON A STARSHIP HEADED FOR ANYWHERE BUT THIS GARBAGE PLANET

Hey fun fact a bag of cat treats and a bag of cocktail peanuts look and sound remarkably similar at 2am when you’re stumbling into your dark kitchen looking for a snack.

Careers are stupid. I should have at least 30 free hours per week to work on domesticating the family of raccoons that live behind my house and training them to perform Gilbert and Sullivan songs. I‘d make little costumes for them and everything.

Me: hi, me again, so another hypothetical question: does my policy cover unsuccessful necromancy procedures? State Farm rep: why are you like this? Me: you're not being a very good neighbor, Jake. State Farm rep: please stop calling us.

okay officer I'm gonna need a lot more "yes, and"-ing and a lot less "how did you get into the giraffe enclosure"-ing

I don't know what kind of crisis management your brain does when you have to pee and sneeze at the same time, but it's probably not unlike an emergency on the bridge of the Enterprise: "Shields forward! Fire phasers! Close the proton torpedo tubes! Eject the warp core! EJECT THE WARP CORE!!"

With all due respect to Gene Kranz, failure is, in fact, an option.

America hasn't been the same since they shut down the C+C Music Factory and shipped all those sweat-producing jobs overseas.

logging on

Things I’m really handling well at the moment: 1.

Hey is anyone here super good with a Ouija board and if so could you get Fred Rogers on the line for me? I could use a little pep talk from him right now. I think we all could, actually.

Move along, nothing to see here, just a guy serenading his dog by singing Pink Pony Club in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

If you're looking for an alternate way to tell someone to calm down or go touch grass, you can use the Danish phrase "klap lige hesten," which literally means "just pat the horse."

If you ever feel bad about yourself, just remember there are men who buy courses from other men on how to be alpha males.

Welcome to my Twitch stream where you can watch me silently sobbing while staring at a blank page for two hours

Gonna start a DIY healthcare clinic called Suture Self.

My favorite cryptid is the restaurant server that says "I'll be right with you" and then disappears forever. Where did they go? Were they ever really here? I didn't even get a blurry photo.

A small plastic takeout container can easily hold three Kit Kat bars, a Prosecco split, and a bottle of 50 Advil like and subscribe for more food prep tips

If you say my name three times in a mirror I will appear and start infodumping to you about otters.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who goes back into his house to boop his dog on the nose if he forgot to do it on the way out.

When you have fish as the main theme of your aesthetic that's called albacore.

Seriously, what kind of sacrifice do I need to make to the Old Gods in exchange for *one* night of honkshoe mimimi sleep?

Today I finished the first draft of a short story that's been banging around in my head for a couple weeks now. Please clap.

I'm sorry for the way I behaved when my sock was slipping down into my sneaker

I want to have a very small group chat with a handful of my friends just to talk about 80s music. We'll call it the Itty Bitty Scritti Politti Committee. [ I'll show myself out ]

Last night I dreamt I won a karaoke contest and the prize was a literal sword and I was *very* excited until the MTA wouldn't let me bring it on the subway and long story short I need to stop eating cheese before bed