be they glazer or hater, they all hang on my every word

I'm feeling monastic 🎵 pray pray pray

why all this doom and gloom over the gov shutdown guys? so what if you can't send postcards or whatever when ALL CRIMES ARE LEGAL NOW! I can't be the only one having a blast taking advantage of that am I???

just got back from skydiving. it was fine

machine elves shrunk my earholes and I'm not kidding

not in my top 10 but not a bad pick by any means

I'm at the mom and pop shop having the child behind the register ring up so many bottles of cough syrup that she asks me if I'm the devil. I tell her no, but he often takes credit for my work.

stubbed my toe and my unthinking reflex response was "fuck you"

less dunking, more killing

don't give a fuck what happens to me any more I am going to die with a clear conscience and say it ok? you don't need a dish washer you can just dump dishes in with the clothes load in the washing machine and use dish soap for detergent and it saves so much money time and space on a budget

wick broke on my pine tree scented candle so I'm just running the microwave on it for an hour at a time this year

if taylor swift was really one of the good ones she'd put out a single about jury nullification RIGHT now

It is with great pain that I must announce I've been deradicalized by the shooter's circumstantially moderate but predominantly cringe tweets. I'm an incrementalist now. I believe in a long series of Ted Ks where each new Ted K is inspired by yet incrementally improved upon the last Ted K.

tfw you get denied treatment til you go terminal so you lock in like a boss and spend your last few vbucks grinding the gun range til you schmoove in on the target for a flawless takedown and dip but when you check the socials to hear how hard you cooked your oomfies are just giving karma the credit

me when the voter ID Neuralink chip jolts me awake to brain-broadcast Major Rittenhouse from Fort-A-Lago ordering the police VTOLs to start shelling the Counter-DEI Sterilization Program protestors with doge-emblazoned white phosphorous warheads: wow. this fail timeline is literally just Idiocracy 🙄

oh I'm in an "echo chamber" cause I don't engage nazi trolls? I think I'll keep blocking em, thanks... *blocks someone for having a furry profile pic* *blocks reply with factual correction so followers don't see it* *blocks palestinian fundraiser* *subscribes to a block list called "disagreeables"*

well I guess this is it. my one regret is that I didn't try out more of the wonderful and exciting subscription services modern life has to offer when I still had the chance

the only friend I can really talk to about books is arguing with me over his fear that Notes from Underground (1864), a foundational pillar of existentialist literature by historically and cross-disciplinarily renowned classic russian writer fyodor dostoevsky, might become "mainstream" soon

Q: What's a vegan's least favorite food? A: A MEAT-ball!

yall are gettin played fr lmao you can get 500 of these damn things for 8 bucks don't even gotta stand in line or nothin yall got ripped tf off I bought a roll of these 5 years ago and I still got half of em left rofl 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I thought society peaked with the nofap forum but the cybertruck forum is also extremely funny

going to olive garden alone and pretending I'm getting stood up on a date so they don't judge me for sitting around eating unlimited breadsticks for 90 minutes before I order. might even get a sympathetic half-smile from the wait staff if I play my cards right

A Cave Transported Me Into A Medieval Fantasy Kingdom Right After I Contracted Ebola From A Bat Bite And I Guess Elves Can Get Infected Too And Healing Magic Doesn't Work On This Sort Of Thing

big pets are cool but I prefer small pets in enclosures because you get to design a cool level for them to capture the flag or timed deathmatch each other in. you can start them off in a basic medieval castle or something while they get acclimated and then try ice level, egypt theme, low gravity etc

many who hate capitalism are still confused by tech corps pushing stupid bullshit everyone vocally hates. the simplified answer is that speculative values (eg stocks), which control the market now, can be easily inflated through vibes alone. no need to give a fuck about customers or even profit

Q: What's a vegan's least favorite food? A: A MEAT-ball!

anybody else addicted to using a soldering iron to heat up their teeth?

there are left wingers who would have been groypers if they had clicked on a single different youtube rec at a certain age. they credit their politics to their latent ethical virtue and then get upset and offended to the point of gatekeeping and moral judgments over stuff like what food people like

some people think we need cops to solve problems like we need a hammer to hammer nails the issue is that the broad problems cops are used on are a mix of nails, screws, hinges, crumbling foundations, electrical faults, peeling wallpaper, and leaky pipes, and the cops are not even a hammer but a gun

why buy a second gun? like the first gun obviously didn't work. you're still like that. you still feel like that inside, afraid of the world, violently sick with insecurity, so why not just return it and get your money back lol. aww shucks maybe the 23rd gun will do it! try a spa day next time dummy

it sucks when you have no stakes or information or interest in something and nonetheless see takes on it that are so depressingly bad that you can still tell they're awful anyway. really a worst of both worlds scenario

tfw someone says you're in an echo chamber so you make the same exact joke about it as 5000 other users to prove them wrong

listen, I know it's annoying to be pissed off at everything all the time, but it's not inappropriate. you have to give us that

Jesus didn't realize he was Jesus until he had been chained to the radiator for some time.

there's never a good time for anything

got banned from the potluck for bringing this. idk I just thought we could try something different

guy who's undecided on the vote between harris and trump because he thinks they're both so good and both deserve it so much

haha RT if you can relate folks!

transphobes: letting these freaks with unfair biological advantages compete is an affront to the very soul of sports sports:

it's 2036. the US presidential election is between Kyle Rittenhouse (R) and Martin Shkreli (D). thousands are still proclaiming that every vote is important, to not vote is to vote for fascism, and that anything bad that happens to marginalized people is their fault for not voting. for Shkreli.

researcher after spending ages methodically testing homophobic talking points, disproving them, and compiling results into a published paper to help back up advocacy with data: here's my study showing same-sex couples can raise healthy children internet queer: wow no shit sherlock you don't say? 🙄

eating a grilled bologna and cheese for breakfast while watching a bukkake porn where they give the girl a comically small umbrella to try to hide under

Thanks for the vid of this legendary tour! I saw these guys tear it up on stage back in 87. Best show I've ever been to! Soon as I got home I got a call from the sheriff saying to come identify the bodies of my four kids after they had been found mauled to death by a pack of feral dogs. God bless.

TIL I've been doing several things wrong

all cops are bastards? even the cop that wipes splattered family dog parts off the service guns so they look nice and clean while they threaten parents with them during an active school shooting? even him?

they're trying to kill me

the west has done so much damage to the world by spreading colonial racism homophobia and capitalism that it is my duty as a progressive to stand up and fight this thought poison wherever I see it. oh no not the puritanism though, I think the 16th century protestants had it all figured out there

if I had a big trombone, you know I'd be tootin' that sucker #music #musichumor #brassinstruments #relatable #hashtags #DemolishTheUnitedStatesSupremeCourt

here in jimland, big jim is the king of our democracy. big jim decides what we get to vote on, when, and he makes up rules for who gets how many votes. this isn't going well and we've decided the only way to fix it is by voting big jim out. if we do our civic duty and vote, we'll get him soon I bet

wondered once again what, if anything, cops are dependable for and realized there actually is one thing: swatting. if someone needs protection, a crime solved, something stolen recovered, you're SOL, but they CAN reliably get them to ambush and terrorize someone at a given address, so there's that