What part of watching dogs on skateboards makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

What an uneventful day in the US.

Trevor + 🍺 = 👽

I haven’t seen a frog in days. I am very upset about it.

A new 🐸 friend before 8am? It’s going to be a good day.

I have a new addition to my 🐸 family. 95° and she needed a quick bath.

My life of finding 🐸 will never be complete

All I want to do in life is continue to find more 🐸

Is it just me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Just Googled “how to fake your own death and erase your entire existence before 8am Monday.” Good morning.

Well…my coffee from this morning finally kicked in at about 11:20p.m.

Just woke up from a weird dream: I refused to go to Disneyworld until they let all service animals ride the rollercoasters. Now that I’m awake, I stand by it.

Let’s normalize a 21 day weekend.

There are over 2 million workplace injuries reported every year. Be safe, call in sick tomorrow.

Pizza doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's very important you always eat a bunch of it.

I wanna be so rich I can put premium fuel in my lawnmower

Frogs keep visiting me lately. It’s gonna be a good year.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of popcorn and the power didn't even go out

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me

Ever notice how confusing your sentence's are when you incorrectly use apostrophe's to pluralize word's? It hurt's me even to type thi's.

Being required to wake up early should be banned

Look at this pretty little baby I found this morning

If anyone wants to mow my lawn for me, I promise to look out the window occasionally and give you a thumbs up.

I hate that I can't show how much I dislike exclamation points without looking like a hypocrite.

I'll be doing a book signing at Barnes & Noble tomorrow. Nobody asked me to. It’s not even my book.

Waking up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

All I want when I die is to be buried in a park so I end up being a dog's treasure

I think it's pretty sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

Dogs are a lot like babies. Apparently, you’re not supposed to tell people theirs is ugly.

Books are a total scam. Every single word is already in the dictionary—they’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

I’m so pumped to see Detroit finally break their playoff losing streak. Cade Cunningham. That’s all.

Every Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

I've found about 1000 eggs already. Totally unfair that I'm being escorted out of the grocery store.

You know what I’m hoping to find in an Easter egg this year? A nap.

😴

I’m thankful that DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

Can we start a petition to lower the retirement age? I’m tired now.

Christmas is always a very special time when I give my brother a $50 gift card and he gives me a $50 gift card.

Filming starts in less than two hours. Wish me luck!

In honor of Charles Dickens, I will also be poor and cold this christmas

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work though, only got 25% off.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Bluesky because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

Normalize saying "Morning" rather than "Good Morning" because there is NOTHING GOOD about 8:11am

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet and considerate “good morning” text

🦋 finally updated and added a ‘Mentions’ tab in notifications!

I think that people found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Feeling bored at work today? I recommend bringing maracas to a meeting just to shake things up.

Spent the night finishing up preproduction on my first short film! It’s my directorial debut, and I’m really excited to start filming on the 23rd. Looking forward to sharing more with all of you soon!

I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror just now, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the heavy lifting today

I can’t believe someone keyed my neighbours super loud truck tomorrow morning