Soup and tinned fruit. Ideal items for throwing at George. #TheArchers

“I think Martha and me are going to have our own little bonfire. Tomorrow night at No.1 The Green.” #TheArchers

A COVID-style service? A few weeks of monologues? #TheArchers

“He will never be family to me.” Until George and Amber’s son marries Martha. #TheArchers

“The Scottish Holiday”? Is it unlucky to use its real name? #TheArchers

Today is the last day that Ambridge remains free of George. A wake for civilisation is being held at The Bull. #TheArchers

Susan has a brainwave. She goes over to Grange Farm and borrows some old village fête stuff. She sets it up inside St Stephen’s and prepares to spend the night with Joe’s old lump hammer and a real life game of Splat the Rat. #TheArchers

Chris makes his feelings clear. He sprays “George Grundy is a scrote” across the front of Number 1, The Green. #TheArchers

The Cosmopolitan is timeless? It was invented no earlier than the 1970s. Modern vodka-based rubbish. #TheArchers

Chest pains in the bar? Probably a toxic squash. Was Ian told? #TheArchers

Cocktails on a Tuesday? It’s the last days of Sodom at The Stables. #TheArchers

“An early night.” Pure smut. #TheArchers

Susan making it all about her. #TheArchers

How to cheer Susan up? Show her dodgy pig videos. That or chilli. #TheArchers

Neil attempts to stay positive. He puts on nylon trousers and rubs himself on the carpet. #TheArchers

Brad sees things from another perspective. Kate has sold him some magic mushrooms. #TheArchers

Jolene can presumably pick up the phone and make a call to fix all this. #TheArchers

Not my shank. Sounds like a great premise for a 1830 comedy on Radio 4. #TheArchers

I don’t think the presumption of innocence applies to prisoners. I certainly wouldn’t apply it to George. #TheArchers

I think there’s probably an unofficial competition among the scriptwriters to come up with the most boring possible episode. Sarah Hehir is setting an incredibly high standard this evening. #TheArchers

A rabbit with a dodgy tummy. Such anecdotes. #TheArchers

George has done his time. Now he can get back to his crimes. #TheArchers

Treacle tart? Isn’t that rhyming slang for something? #TheArchers

You really really don’t want Adam cramping your style, Ruairí. #TheArchers

The maize harvest! Oh be still my beating heart.#TheArchers

Paul struggles with small talk. The hamsters just don’t respond to him like the sheep and goats do. #TheArchers

Jolene finds herself bearing the brunt. She had been planning to brunt the bear, but had become confused. And in any case that would probably have been illegal. #TheArchers

You can’t give ponies lethal injections; it makes the lasagne taste funny. #TheArchers

What’s that man taking out of the car? It’s a gun. A glue gun. #TheArchers

Baz (originally Boaz) died as a result of being shot by Ed… #TheArchers

Progressive drilling? Does that involve extended instrumental sections in 9/4 and 13/8 time? #TheArchers

Brad offers his support. George whittles it into a shank. #TheArchers

Adam lays down some ground rules. Rule 1. No Gurls! #TheArchers

A shank? Is it a slow-cooked lamb shank? I can see why the authorities would be concerned. #TheArchers

George is panicking. #TheArchers

A consortium of investors buying up Damara’s stake. What could possibly go wrong? #TheArchers

Extra strong mince? I’m sure Casey Meats can provide plenty of that if you ask round the back. #TheArchers

I haven’t had enough drama, but I’m not sure Brian and Justin are delivering the right sort of drama. #TheArchers

Yes they’ve all gone to see him, Arms out reaching, smiling sweetly, As they lay him in the green green grass of home (farm.) #TheArchers

Poppy Birthday to her. #TheArchers

Justin dangles a carrot. Unfortunately Bartleby doesn’t go for it, on account of being dead. #TheArchers

George faces a nightmare. He’ll be out next week and then he’ll HAVE to marry Amber. #TheArchers

The toxic courgette story is growing in the telling. #TheArchers

C-section. Does that require a calving knife? #TheArchers

Three o’clock, in the ballroom. With the lead piping? #TheArchers

Ian is less than impressed. So he’s just pressed then? Or an imp? Or with a bit of reorganisation he might be prime, or merde, or sperm, or just dim? #TheArchers

Stella has a crisis of confidence. I find this hard to believe. I can’t remember her ever doubting her ability not just to get, but to excel in any job she put her mind to. Never a moment of self doubt; never the slightest wobble. #TheArchers

Somewhere out there there’s a ball with Dane’s name on it… #TheArchers

Tumbling the balls around? Oh, Dane, you are bold. Isn’t he bold, Sandy? #TheArchers

Stella should have said she would only go back to Home Farm over Brian’s dead body. #TheArchers