what's even the point of me redoing the floors if I'm not gonna find some old treasure map from the previous home owner underneath?

Wanted to give my car a lil treat so I cleaned it out and filled it with premium gas

This is exactly what my discord DMs look like

What if the Duolingo bird is responsible for the destruction of The Tower of Babel

CALL OUT POST ON MY BLUESKY.COM I FUCKING HATE THIS LITTLE RAT BASTARD I HOPE HE FUCKING DIES IN A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE HOUSE FIRE AND LOSES EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE HE LOVES

I like being the first one to clap because you know everyone in that theatre/event is copying you

This Cardinal stops by my bird feeder at least 50 times a day (yes I've counted) and stares directly into the camera for about 5 minutes then leaves He knows something I'm sure of it..... #birds #birdsarentreal #governmentspy #intimidating

Imagine going up to a bully and just saying "listen this relationship is going nowhere, I'm putting in my side by having things you can make fun of me for but I'm just not feeling the passion from you. Where's that spark we once had? Where is your creativity"

I had a dream where a small man in a suit and tie lived inside my walls. He had a full studio apartment in there..... I miss him....

There's nothing worse in life then being shuffled into the library for the scholastic book fair knowing damn well you forgot to ask your parents for money

I really want to be the guy that builds the villain's evil lair. Imagine having to design all those pitfall traps and also keep a really comfy modern vibe aesthetic

I wish ads on YouTube felt pain when I skip them

I like posting and scrolling through bluesky for the SOLE reason that I can ignore all other responsibilities

Dear Diary, Today I watched someone fly a Happy Ghast into the Minecraft Twin Towers What a (bad) time to be alive

I got perma-banned on the Cookie Run Kingdom discord server for sending the Mpreg "🫃" emoji

Me when I finish my popsicle and the stick is just sitting there

Imagine escaping prison by pulling the keys off a sleeping guard with a dino grabber

The best service you'll ever get is from someone who loves the job but hates the boss

Guys I just invented a new word: Plagiarism Its like when you steal something from someone else and claim it as your own

Dr.pepper is kinda like barbecue water

I would like to put a Frisbee on a Rat King and pretend it's a Roomba

The job interviewer asked me: "What would you do with $10,000" Apparently "put it all on black and hope for the best" wasn't the right answer

I want to hire about 20-30 actors to show up to my funeral to make my family think I was living a double life for it only to be revealed like 2 days later it was all a prank

My man Mr.Krabs was fighting for his life in this scene while he choked on an apple and pearl HAD THE AUDACITY to stand there and not help but be EMBARRASSED for shame

I love the people who used to brag about having a drivers license back in highschool Like we get it you are an unpaid taxi driver for your friends

If I made a video game where the player could go behind a waterfall I would put a big ol’ boxing glove on a spring in there that fuckin gets them.

My cat scratched my arm so I'm holding it in front of the camera so it can do an apology video

Imagine buying a car in the Transformers Universe just to watch it get jumped by decepticons a week later

I think it would be kinda funny to play musical chairs but the chairs are ejection seats that shoot the winner 15 feet in the air

My ADHD has become too powerful. I now have AD4K

Nothing beats eating cold left over Panda Express in your college's parking lot while dreading a test you didn't study for ..... nothing like it.....

We need to normalize crying over spilled milk

I'm like a sleeper agent but except turning into the perfect assassin when someone says a code word I cry when I hear the alarm in the morning

Instagram now has AI bots apparently These were the first two that were recommended to me AI was a mistake that we will never recover from....

I wish I was a raccoon so I could dig through and eat people's trash in the wee hours of the night I mean... I do that anyway but if I was a raccoon it would be more socially acceptable

Who needs to cosplay when you can just go around wearing one of these bad boys

Kool-aid is kind of like a Water DLC

Explaining to people that I enjoy "people watching but not in a weird way haha" and begging them not to think I'm weird is getting repetitive. I'm just going to start saying "I stalk people at Walmart"