Next month: the US strikes Greenland and it somehow ends with Trump giving Alaska to Denmark.

Had to try and remove a duplo chicken from the bath drainage system this morning using a plumbing snake & metal kebab skewers heated to pierce the bird. Operation Kebab was successful at 0730. All crews returned safely to base. Thank you for your attention in this matter!

Not “board” - what Trump actually said was “bored” of peace

Hahahahaha what on God’s green earth is the point of Keir Starmer. Surely as soon as the local elections are over he’s gone. An utter disaster

Because he’s doing such a fantastic job running the UK and has so much spare time

I went to a very cool artsy party a year or so ago where they had St John claret in boxes - disappointed to discover they don't sell it any more. Anyone got good recommendations for really quite decent red wine in boxes? #WetJanuary

Trump’s buckling under the pressure

AI-GENERATED REVIEWS OF AI-GENERATED ACTOR’S TILLY NORWOOD’S AI-GENERATED MOVIES A comic masterpiece www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ai-...

Perfect

The government is blowing £30 billion to transfer the Chagos Islands to Mauritius. Keir Starmer is compromising national security at vast cost. This will aid Chinese strategic interests in the Indian Ocean. A betrayal of national interests, conducted without transparency or democratic mandate.

FBI Agent goes public with Russian intelligence operation that hooked Musk and Theil The GRU successfully cultivated relationships with high-profile Silicon Valley billionaires, using a combination of flattery, backchannel political access, & kompromat. kyivinsider.com/fbi-agent-go...

You know what an American pope means: on top of your donation at mass you’ll be expected to give a >20% tip.

Douglas Adams foresaw AI

This India v Pakistan conflict would simply not have started if Trump was president.

Conclave II: White Smoke Rising. "Habemus Vengeance"

Pope Francis is gone. A radical, a reformer, a shepherd to those on the margins. Whatever you believed, he believed in love. Requiescat in pace.

Incredibly sound life advice in the form of a nice proverb I just stumbled across

Today we were two

When tariffs make you on-shore manufacturing you haven’t done in decades

The nation expects every man to do their duty

They are *not* taking these tariffs lying down on the McDonald Islands

10% tariffs on Britain isn’t the brexit benefit we were promised (still no trade deal!), it’s a slap in the face Brexiters are desperately telling you isn’t so bad because the guy next to you is getting kicked in the nuts

Today I announce tariffs on the following: People who chew with their mouth open: 100% People who say “Ec cetera”: 75% Nuns, cricketers, & church organists: 0% Restaurants that ask you if you’re familiar with their concept: 50% Svalbard: 200% Regents Park cyclists: 1000%

Excited to announce a new podcast entirely produced by AI: combining CEO mindset insights & nutrition advice from the most notorious manfluencer of all time: the Iron WillCast combines generative AI with the maximum hustle mentality of none other than Adolf Hitler #IronWillCast

Talking about the political difficulties posed by the cost of illegal migrants while the labour government undertakes austerity on Sky News

Excited to go on Sky News tonight to review the news making tomorrow’s papers. Tune in from 10.30pm

Me every week as the Trump administration plumbs new depths

John Hemingway: Last surviving Battle of Britain pilot dies aged 105 - we need to remember not just what John and the men who flew with him did, but what they died to preserve, and what they were fighting. Thank you, John, Godspeed in the great hereafter. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

The profusion of dry robes worn as coats speaks to a generation sold a lifestyle they bought all the gear for and then packed in after precisely one depressing visit to a local stream.

Rupert Lowe spotted in Clacton

It now looks marginally more likely that Ukraine will secure a ceasefire than the Reform party.

“some of his people who hate lawyers have called in the lawyers; some of his people who love free speech have been upset by some words; and some of his people who hate snowflakes have gone to the actual police about what they say is a bit of verbal.” www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

They’ve rumbled us. Given our hideous planning restrictions, instigating World War Two was - MI6 concluded - actually the easiest (and cheapest!) way to redevelop large parts of central London

Perfect

Donald Trump should just come out and tell us about the prostitutes he got to pee on him at the Moscow Ritz Carlton, get ahead of it, we all make mistakes, better than wasting four years as Putin’s Reek.

Are MI6 so useless that they can’t find and ensure the leak of Russia’s kompromat on Trump? Just lance the boil already.

Perfect

This is what I’m going to wear when I have a mid-life crisis. I call the look “Wes Anderson’s dealer”

Went to see some new parents this afternoon and was reminded of two great bits of advice I received: - never watch your newborn sleep (ie sleep when you get the chance) - don’t buy any gadget until you need it (they can be delivered within 24hr and it stops you buying a bunch of junk you don’t need)

Here’s to a terrific 2025 - happy new year to all of you, and I hope you’re with people you love.

We had a tremendous drunk family argument on the meaning of the word scrummage, with all of us confidently asserting wrong answers: card game, searching, part of rugby, and whittling whale bone. It only missed somebody suggesting something involving tongues. It was, as it turned out, a scrummage.

Merry Christmas one and all - I hope it’s a day of peace, joy, and merriment. We miss those we can’t share it with, and should treasure those we can be with. If you’re struggling today, remember that things can get better, life can turn a corner, there’s always hope.

Toddler shat himself mid-service on Christmas morning here in Sydney at St James and I’ve honestly never been more thankful for incense.

Toddler shat himself mid-service on Christmas morning here in Sydney at St James and I’ve honestly never been more thankful for incense.

Women trapped by sharia: ‘I must pay my husband ransom to divorce’ www.thetimes.com/article/0098...

Bashar al-Assad trying to ignore his wife’s complaints about the weather and the size of their squalid little apartment

Hear Assad’s getting the Masterchef gig