my friend keeps wishing pregnancy on me and honestly imma have to demote him to acquaintance because my friends would never wish hell on me

the internet is such a big place. it’s so hard to find your people

white men are OP’ed

explaining to a supervisor at work that being an onlyfans model is not as simple as just having big titties and a camera

fingers crossed this year provides no character development. stop testing me

you can’t convince me pandas are meant to be out in the wild. let us have them as pets

my rendition of a fuckass bob

why do i always run into another black person when i’m looking raggedy?? like girl i’m not dressing up for these white folks but for you, you could’ve given me some warning

places i’m staying this year: -quiet -in my own lane -blessed

i feel so creative after getting my cheeks clapped but it feels in bad taste to roll over and be on my phone jotting down ideas

not at all. life is like bowling. what’s going on in your lane got nothing do to with mine

i’ve learned not to get my hopes up for a new year until about a week in. i got to see what kind of time we on

good. i was hoping to get my butt in shape and finally go on some of the hikes in my area. maybe take some road trips too

as much as i enjoy car insurance commercials i will stick with AAA. i have never seen a commercial for them so i trust if something happens to my car they will pay out since they don’t pay for super bowl commercials

i just want to go on record saying that the fashion industry should be sued for the psychological damage low cut jeans did to my developing mind. i could’ve been paying attention to my teacher instead of worrying about my butt crack showing

is emo music the true opposite of country music??

i love being home alone because then i can have weird dinners like two hash browns, two hard boiled eggs, and two oreos. i call it noah’s ark

anybody want to come over and cuddle while we watch sex and the city? if you can’t cuddle for a minimum of 3 episodes don’t apply

fingers crossed my boss does something dumb and illegal tomorrow. multiple things preferably

who do i complain to about my bf being sent to fight a fire in north carolina when it’s getting cold here?? who am i supposed to cuddle at night?

i wonder if football players that have been in the nfl for over a decade are emotionally stunted like child stars

i’ve got 3 screens set up on my work desk and i feel like a god

in my house my bf steals the hoodies

my dad has texted me i love you every day for the past 2 years. somehow i feel like this is also daddy issues

friday nights are for watching the first episode of severance and then driving an hour to go to a diner that has the same aesthetic

my dumb ass poisoned myself by drinking from a moldy water bottle 🤢 don’t text

it’s kinda funny when i don’t have to explain how horrible boss is because there are so many articles that express it for me

i left a taco bell bag unattended on the couch today and my dog didn’t even sniff in it. i love my weirdo

so many things don’t make sense but this one kills me. it was all about states rights when roe v wade was repealed but fuck states rights when it comes to mail in voting??

unreasonably mad that snapchat is offering longer message retention. if i needed receipts i wouldn’t be on snapchat

we have too many mass shootings to ever fly our flag above half mast

my dad told me to google 3I/Atlas and i learned the comet won’t be hitting earth. got my hopes up for nothing

when you live somewhere with insane summers, fall is so much sweeter

me to my best friend’s 3 hour old baby: hey welcome to the world! it’s pretty wild here. first thing you need to know is capitalism is horrible and we hate rich people

did someone lose their shit on a flight? this flight attendant said “in the unlikely event” in almost every sentence of the safety lecture

left the union lunch early today. nobody is going to get me to keep a bra on for more than 3 hours on my day off

it’s kinda weird realizing my dad was a himbo before the term existed

i can tell how much i love someone by how many times i try to say goodbye in a conversation but we just keep talking

i need a science person to tell me how close we are to teleportation capabilities

hear me out. we bury him this weekend dead or alive

was i hallucinating or did doja really say she doesn’t want black people listening to her music??

lmao this is one of my first sexual encounters. bj in a movie theater. the movie? inception

i have to work for the next 30-40 years of my life. i don’t plan on missing any important days for my loved ones because of work. weddings, births, free vacations, i’m there

2 months. i’m blessed 🙌🏾

made some bomb ass roasted potatoes, broccoli, and salmon for dinner tonight. kinda forgot i can cook

me, walking outside every day this month: i live in HELL

honesty. we don’t have to agree but i respect the hell out of people that say what’s on their mind

the feminine urge to call my boss an idiot

just watched my dog freak out about a spider web on her face. like mother like daughter

my best friend is 8 months pregnant and this was not the right 8 months to be sober