Marina Diamandis you have 5 hours and 20 minutes to reconsider and put How to Be a Heartbreaker back on the setlist

You just know an interactive seat map hates to see me coming

On reflection, cooking a batch of soup shirtless was probably a choice…

COLE ESCOLA OH MARY! LONDON ALERT 🚨

We now go live to me, this Bank Holiday Monday

“And how do you feel about having to wear a uniform?” “I think we can all see the sense of it, for hygiene. And it protects your nipples.”

I fear Señorita Cactus is about to become my own personal Evelyn Tucci

Costume parties are great, what do you MEAN you’ve come dressed as Señorita Cactus, the deleted character from Pixar’s Toy Story 2 that was eventually replaced with Jessie the Yodelling Cowgirl??

I’m that friend you only keep around because they have a car, they call me the driversity hire

Please don’t make me narrow it down to just 10

Haven’t really been looking after myself properly these past few months, but fear not, your boy is making soup again and I’m taking that as a sign I’ve turned a corner and good things are coming

I have been ASSASSINATED

I really need to stop having traumatic experiences with evil evil men in venues called Village

Is the Kia Oval like the Khia Asylum?

Just woke up from a nap where I dreamed it was my wedding day, and just as we were about to be declared married a curtain fell to reveal we were on the set of Game Changer and the marriage didn’t count because he didn’t say Sam Says

Posting this in hushed tones because it’s a bit cringe to admit things, but friends fear he is itching to try writing comedy again…

This and other insights 🚂

I am a delicate Spring flower please nobody talk to me for the next 2-4 business days

Happy Oh Mary! new casting announcement day to all who celebrate (Broadway edition)

Everybody say happy birthday Max

Me: I only know that song from a Simpson's parody? Them: That's how I discovered Spider-Man. From the pig

In no particular order:

Might fuck around and start a thread of all the times I felt pure, unadulterated joy tbh

Delightfully vague

Gleefully collecting images of the Met Gala looks I particularly like for discussion with fashion friends tomorrow 😁😁😁

Setting up jokes for your friends is one of life’s greatest pleasures

Sometimes when people greet you with a “hello gorgeous”, it’s not because they fancy you, it’s because they’re doing an impression of Barbra Streisand. I learned that the hard way

We call my birthday party ‘The Mat(t) Gala” and just to warn you all now I’ve decided that a future theme will be ‘Anyone Fancy a Curry?’ and all guests will have to dress up as their favourite Tim Curry character

I regret to inform you all that dadhood has finally come for me (I now spend half my day making gross throat clearing noises)

Idk I just really think I’d slay a hotdog eating competition (not a euphemism)

I never want to see a captcha ever again

Went for Korean BBQ with a friend and accidentally drank a large bottle of soju by myself so ask me anything I guess

Screw star signs, I want to know which of the Bennett sisters you most closely identify with

HBO’s The Pitt

What a deeply curséd day today has turned out to be

Tickled to discover that the entrance Sweatbox is the fire assembly point for a nearby office

It’s all fun and games rehearsing the emotional crescendo of Memory from CATS until you realise neighbours have heard you belting the phrase “touch me” over and over and it’s still well beyond your vocal range

Got any games on ur phone?

Rebecca Black on Jeopardy! son or PinkPantheress on The Weakest Link daughter

Fashionably late to the Haute and Freddy party

I am about to become insufferable™️

I thought I looked nice today (full outfit that got two (2) compliments not pictured)

Lousy Smarch weather

Now you all know me, I’m not one to cry at a musical, but I cannot even begin to describe my emotional response when they revealed the set at Into The Woods tonight

And today’s performative man of the day™️ is the guy with a top knot sat at the table next to me in an art gallery cafe pretending to read Dostoyevsky

Excuse me, is anybody feeding the birds? Because I don’t think that anybody’s feeding the birds

Did I ever tell you about the time I got ghosted by a magician? Best disappearing act he’s ever done tbh 🪄

Am going to a formal dinner tonight so have had to pull some suits out of the wardrobe and the variations in size are WILD because some are from pre-covid when I was a good 20kg heavier

MAYA RUDOLPH OH MARY

Let’s get this place HUMID