therapy: expensive saying 'oh bother' in Winnie the Pooh's voice every time something catastrophically bad happens: free

My brain at 2am

For god’s sake

Day ruined

barista: nice Rancid shirt me: thanks do you listen to Rancid? barista: I think my dad did when I was a kid

I think I was slightly tired getting dressed this morning

They call me the 007 of script writing 0 words written so far 0 ideas 7 lamb of god songs played on guitar to procrastinate

I sent this first photo to my mate after the Severance season 1 finale in 2022 Season 2 took so long to come out I thought I’d send a new one 😂

successfully challenged a parking ticket feeling unstoppable

Good morning Britain

Why is this JD Vance

I'm not saying the early 2010s were entirely a simpler time, but I did get all my news from the Wii news channel

I tried to tell some jokes onstage and a a guy stood up and said my ‘existence was the funniest joke of the night’. Then everyone clapped and I left. Been miserable about it for a couple days but now I’m 🔙🔛🔝🔥 Thanks Chickenbox Comedy for a great night anyway!

Guys stay safe out there - this wrapping paper was on the floor for a full 0.3 seconds, thank god I (a dad) was there to rapidly neutralise it and place in the recycling bin

Couldn’t have said it better myself

a blacked-out Rolls Royce keeps driving by my house this morning. I'm really hoping it's a guy like this about to make me an offer I can't refuse

AI this, AI that - more like Ay I'm walking here

there's no way Luigi Mangione isn't Italian for 'Luigi's Mansion'

Lmaoo

I bet even when I die my email inbox will be like [Your invoice from Apple] Death subscription £10.99 [Your invoice from Apple] Soul cloud storage £8.99 [Your invoice from Apple] Own funeral 4K video rental £11.99

Good morning www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5eU...

How Amazon expect us to react to Black Friday deals

Alexa, playing Breaking Benjamin

What an audience for my comedy set last night. She liked my London jokes but thought my royals material was a bit wooden

Shia Labeouf's 'do it' video walked so that 'I need to lock in' memes could run

Nothing better than making fresh pancakes at the weekend

nice

What is this ‘body tea’ I keep hearing about. I assume you drink it without milk like earl grey?

My toddler when I give her a hot chocolate that’s too hot to drink