Gather around the fireplace and listen to Mike awkwardly try to remember something that happened to him.

All I know is that Jared Leto is the worst fucking Joker ever.

I hate AI in the world of art.

It's 4 am. Rich Evans is dead. The ShowBiz Pizza bear killed him, sadly. It was bound to get him. It wanted to dick him when he was a mere child, and now it's finally got him.

Woody Allen needs to make the next Transformers movie.

Six miserable, awful kids did something awful and miserable to a miserable, awful girl and she turned into a Skype ghost and killed them.

It's like the touch football version of street fighting.

Cause of death: Tums festival.

Yup.

Just a few years ago, all the Chinese did was grow rice and threaten each other with tanks. Now they're seeing movies!

Make sure you let us know that they did it on Mystery Science Theater 35 years ago. Get over it, nerds.

Check out some anime, pick up some manga.

Wait, are you talking about Comic-Con or politics?

Then I'll dress up in black face. I heard seals respond positively to black face. A little known fact.

Isn't the theater going experience wonderful. Just constantly people coughing and looking at their phones and talking to each other.

Mike, you do understand that some day, some day in the not too distant future, you are really going to get your comeuppance.

There is no soul. Star Trek takes place in an atheistic universe where God does not exist, Mike. I'm so sorry.

If you know why this movie exists, please contact us.

Oh my God, I just want to see a kid take a shit.

We're not talking about UFOs! We're talking about something that's real: ghosts.

I've always been fascinated by 'Satanic panic' because it wasn't real. Everybody was convinced that there was someone in your neighborhood that was gonna kidnap and murder your child. And, I mean, obviously that did happen sometimes. But not because of Satan.

I've never been so happy to be close to death.

Every movie is someone's favorite movie.

Oh thank you, Mr. Maculkin.

Our fans are interested in both AIDS and 9-11. And Star Wars.

I can't tell if that was an Einstein or Hitler. Adolf Einstein?

Are orgies still a thing?

This is borderline experimental.

Kissing is suss and can only be done with permission or it's SA and problematic.

Space Cop was a comedy?! Oh shit, I played that all wrong!

It surpasses stupid and becomes art.

You know where a werewolf has to go and attack? A furry convention. That's a fucking movie waiting to happen.

I saw the Barbie movie and it was atrocious.

Your mainstream horror film, no characters have to have a case of the not-gays. You can just go ahead and have them have a case of the gays!

I know what you're having for breakfast: my cock!

Rich, are you embarrassed that you've read comic books?

It's a very good possibilty there is a network of sexual abuse going on in Hollywood amidst high level movie producers and people with power.

They're cutting the movie together and they're like, "Christian Bale talks like this through the whole thing?!"

I'm repairing what you kids today call a VHS player. It was known as a VCR for its entire lifespan, but in the last couple of years everyone just started calling it a VHS player. Nobody consulted me about this, they just did it.

Captain America: Brave New World is like watching nothing.

Rich Evans vs. Alien.

I've had friends who've worked in old folks homes. They masturbate so much!

Ten points for Richindorf.

As Robert Downey Jr. told us in black face: never go full regal.

Can someone out there put us in the background of your movie as bad extras? This is my dream.

Well, I'll tell you one thing: an AI wouldn't have just shit its pants.

Oh my God, Will Smith's coming to slap me! Jada Pinkett's fucking Peter Dinklage, too!

Make a Marvel movie now, Wes Anderson!