I was taking a shower while shaking a tower (Euphemism for jerking off while in the shower)

Alvin and the Czech monks

Going to the museum and loudly saying "It's a little on the nose, isn't it?" around the abstract art

Bringing my dog named bomb to the airport was a bad idea

Bro, are you seriously tickling my fancy rn

Goin around leavin "Sorry I dinged your car" notes with my grandpa's phone number on random cars. Get fucked you old prune

U have to call them Michael and Isaacs until u get to know them better

Day 215 of learning to draw: ill make it better at some point

Not to get political but I just thought Catherine was kinda okay

Call me scoliosis the way I blow her back out.

Necrophiliac with a frappe be like, I like my women how I like my coffee: cold.

Darkest Dungeon is like crack. You know it's bad for you, it ruins you mentally and emotionally, and devolves you into a horrible goblin creature ... but it's crack!

If a slime girl tells you "Good morning" and you respond "GOO morning to you!" Is that a micro-aggression.

My friend: Why do you like your own Blue sky post? Me: Someone has to recognize my genius.

Bounty hunter who says he'll take his bounties in alive, dead, or circumcized.

"Pleased to meet you!" "The pleasure's ALL mine"

"Umm, exposition dump, much? 😂 This is just lazy writing, ever heard of show, don't tell? 😭" -me, an A24 fan, when my date tells me about herself

I started my fiction-writing journey with MLP fanfiction and now? I'm a twice published author who looks back thinking "Ya know that 13 year old had some good ideas ngl"

Day 145 of learning to draw: Fridays be like

Unsirius Black be like: I just don't think this Voldemort shit is that big a deal. (I don't like Harry Potter this joke just kinda came to me)

Damn bitch you salty, your husband named Lot? Lmao you see this this is a bible joke.

They call me the dragon, cuz I shoot straight fire. To eat up your gold, is my only desire (your pussy is the gold).

They call me the circle cuz I be missing the point.

The voices (annoying customers) are calling me to the void (smoking cigarettes).

They call me the Taco Bell. Cuz I tear her insides up.

Call me Chupacabra the way I'm the goat at sucking.

My friend: Recently I've been thinking. Me, subtlety implying I can read minds: I know.

Actions speak louder than words, and a picture's worth 1000 words, so basically shut the fuck up 💯

Waiting my turn standing 6 inches behind the guy using my favorite urinal at work

WatchMoses presents: Top 10 commandments that OWNED the sinful

Everybody remember to go get you a library card to help keep them funded

If you liked Arcane, you should play Dishonored 1 & 2