Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

My poetry brings all the boys to the yard And they're like, you're a wonderful bard Damn right, I'm a wonderful bard I could teach you, as it's not that hard

I can't get into a Frankenstein character with no bolts in his neck, it's like Dracula with no fangs.

Yeah, like any of us are "popular with friends."

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal? Me: Can it be anything? Executioner: Yes Me: An Airbus 320

Diarrhea would make a beautiful name for a baby girl.

I'm old enough now where I can fake old people sleep to avoid awkward situations.

When I was a kid, my grandpa caught me out back smoking a brisket, so he made me cater an entire wedding

You don't truly appreciate magnetic fridge notepads until you're in your forties

Wholesome? I'm not even whole. Just some.

Just passed out and my life flashed before my eyes and wow that was an awful lot of mayonnaise.

I can’t stop thinking about the babysitter. Mostly I wonder when she'll figure out that I'm never coming back.

Technology was so basic in the past. A toilet was a hole. A shoe was just a smaller hole. Everything was holes

*enjoying a moment of peace* brain: hey it's been a while since you've done an extremely embarrassing thing

Them: Go to Hell! Me: I already live in Ohio, so....

is this thing on?

brotisserie chicken the rotisserie chicken for men

why does the most awkward person in every sitcom seem to be based on someone like me

these chores could have been a montage

Some bees don't even appreciate their own knees cos body dysmorphia

wore gasoline for cologne on my date to give off that manly musk. sparks flew. lesson learned.

I am tired of having a body, I think I will replace it with a trunk.

Quit trying to butter me up. I'm not a fucking dinner roll.

eating rotisserie chicken and drinking milk in my car and thinking how unfair it is that i'm so naturally sexy

When the waitress says "enjoy your meal" and you accidentally say " I love you too, milk mommy"

Rise? Sure...but I draw the line at shine.

Anxena: Worrier Princess

Aaah keyboard click sounds, the wind chimes of technology

McDonald's should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December. Call it the McCrib.

For some reason I just don’t believe Folgers is the best part of waking up.

kermit gently placing a green finger on his lady love's lips "quiet, piggy"

Before you sit down, make sure you can reach the remote.

[eating pasta to distract yourself from your problems] spaghett n’ forget

Welp, Twitter is down atm, so I guess I'm here for a bit.

In an adjustment period (accidentally left the largest text setting on for days and now everything looks really small)

Happiness does not require money or love ... it requires pills.

*reads room *leaves

If all you sow is violence, dissention, and hate, guess what you're probably going to reap...

These mental health screening questions at the new doctor's office are making me concerned about myself.

His pallbearers will probably include The Hamburgler and Grimace.

Prayers didn't work, so going forward we're moving to a "thoughts only" platform.

Nobody in my office knows that foot jobs are the new anal

Is your kid secretly into finance? If they're texting "lick my ass" that's short for liquidate my assets and you need to stop them immediately. Nobody wants to raise a finance bro.

I think I finally understand why so many Republicans are pro life. I mean, if there were less children, eventually they'd run out of things to fuck.

The weirdest thing in the Dean Cain story is seeing the phrase 'fans of Dean Cain'

is it weird that i said ‘sorry’ to a chair after bumping into it… or is that just something that happens to depressed people?

You’re willing to die on that hill? Calm down, Braveheart, no need to die. You could just twist an ankle or something.

I watched the new King of the Hill because I heard it was just as funny as the old King of the Hill. Unfortunately, that was correct.

I think I finally understand why so many Republicans are pro life. I mean, if there were less children, eventually they'd run out of things to fuck.

Yes, yes your breasts are splendid but do you insouciantly flick the end of a clove cigarette through the moonroof of your Volvo on the way to a train station?