Rejection feels so personal because it makes the perfectionist feel imperfect, or like an ordinary human. Relating this to the observations in their comparisons, they just as often believe that perfect people are out there, immune from the blows of reality. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionists live in a world of bullies and their victims, and they often become bullies (while consciously conceiving of themselves solely as victims, especially when “attacked”) due to their perceived options, which are limited by their imaginations. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Rejection sensitivity, the conviction rejection always implies disgrace, is a core feature of perfectionism, which can be defined as a coping mechanism for it. Yet, the fear of rejection associated with perfectionism doesn’t resemble normal levels of it. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

It wasn't that I didn't fit in; in reality, I wanted to stand out. I deceived others because I deceived myself, sometimes even willfully. At bottom, I always wanted more and better. And when I didn’t receive it, I became upset because I felt entitled to it. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

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Perfectionists fear any form of rejection. Every achievement opens the door to another and more craving. Every acceptance is the catalyst for more hope. And each new hope brings with it a new fantasy, further distancing them from their concrete life. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

I couldn’t make sense of why others performed better than I did socially, despite my attempts to entertain. I thought, “I deserve the same attention for doing the same things,” which was, of course, a cover for my belief, deep down, telling me I’m unlovable. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

While my story appeared to be worthy of unrestricted sympathy, it missed a key component—it wasn’t that “no one” liked me; it was that I consistently devalued and sacrificed the afforded approval. And it wasn't that I didn't fit in; I wanted to stand out. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

When I was an adolescent, I frequently complained that I didn’t have any friends. As you can imagine, most adults felt sorry for me. But, there was more to it. In reality, I completely discounted those who appreciated me, wanting to climb a social ladder. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

If we think of the perfectionist’s excessive need to control their environment as a fundamental need to curate their self-image and to, by extension, suffocate their chronic shame, then persuading others of their goodness feels tantamount to breathing. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism is an excuse to avoid risk. Nancy McWilliams notably remarked, “The obsessive-compulsiveuses words to conceal feelings, not to express them." And, one may add, as long as we’re perfecting, an extreme form of doing, we’re avoiding feeling. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism is closely linked to self-defeating behavior. Here, self-defeating is defined as any act that conflicts with and diminishes the possibility of fulfilling one’s goals, even if that individual continues to believe they’re serving them. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams notes that shame becomes adaptive “by regulating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and excitement and by diffusing potentially threatening social behavior.” It works to curb self-absorption and immorality. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Ambivalence, as psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams remarked, is ubiquitous, rather than in itself an indicator of mental illness. It’s holding conflicting desires, intentions, or beliefs, with, often, one side being conscious and the other hidden from oneself. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionists tend to live in a world of bullies and their victims, so, in many ways, they become bullies (while consciously conceiving of themselves solely as victims, especially when criticized, or “attacked”) due to their perceived options. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Enmeshment is a psychological concept that denotes the tendency to take on too much responsibility for another’s well-being, thus blurring personal boundaries in its service. The perfectionist spends time attuning to the other, a parent in many cases. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

While perfectionists often seek approval and some even admiration, these are often based on false realities, at least in part. In treatment, perfectionists learn to shift their focus from their public image to their deeds and intentions. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

If, as psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams wrote, narcissists profoundly need people but hardly love them, those with dependent personalities only deeply "love" them because they compulsively need them, in the way a child may love a parent. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

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Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and chronic self-sacrifice imply a just world, one wherein merits, accountability, and humility are always rewarded. The irony is that for many perfectionists, these worlds are just ideals, with no basis in the past. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Deflected blame takes the shame stemming from one’s own poor response, a perceived “overreaction,” and places it in the hands of the perceived perpetrator. “I can’t overreact if I’m the victim” is the foundational belief. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Fundamentally, chronic defensiveness, the pattern of defending oneself without forethought, is a game of emotional hot potato, wherein shame is persistently and compulsively redirected and boomeranged, both directly and indirectly, to the accuser. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Risk tolerance and learning how to feel our feelings are the benchmarks of psychotherapy. Perfectionism is the total opposite. Just as I can’t write enough to finally love myself, you can’t do enough of whatever it is you do to finally love yourself either. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Chronic defensiveness is a zero-sum strategy based, in large part, on cynicism. The perfectionist tends to believe that admitting weakness or defeat, apologizing in this respect, would create unfavorable circumstances for them, with exploitation at the core. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Emotional reasoning is a distorted thinking pattern, meaning we engage in it automatically and when we don’t want to think too deeply. Emotional reasoning is most difficult to challenge when one overly relies on their intuition, believing it’s never wrong. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

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People pleasing is a dance between what’s demanded by others and, in turn, what's demanded of oneself. But, is it possible that, based on your well-reasoned judgment, a rebellion could light a spark to change an exploitative system or at least abandon it? www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionists tend to live in a world of bullies and their victims, so, in many ways, they become bullies (while considering themselves solely as victims) due to their limited perceived options, which, in reality, are limited only by their imaginations. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

When shame feels intolerable, it may also feel as though the only apparent solution is projection. And, black and white thinking contributes to the belief that only one person is “the problem,” a popular term in the discourse around “toxic relationships.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionists fixate on their environments, depending on them to inform their self-esteem. Rather than focusing on their values, they’re preoccupied with their public image. Most of their values exist solely to serve that image and, in turn, self-esteem. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The question of “Do I deserve this?” crops up. And whatever evidence indicating the perfectionist does is minimized by the combination of the belief they’re bad and fear of accepting an undeserved reward, creating the feeling that happiness isn’t for them. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Deflected blame takes the shame stemming from one’s own poor response, a perceived “overreaction,” and places it in the hands of the perceived perpetrator. “I can’t overreact if I’m the victim” is the basic belief linked with this version of defensiveness. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionists tend to protect their self-image at almost any cost. They often sacrifice others to feel good about themselves, or at least not bad. This tendency manifests in chronic defensiveness, or the pattern of defending oneself without forethought. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

In treatment, perfectionists learn to shift their focus from their public image to their deeds and intentions. And they may realize character is associated with one’s ability to live with a deep sense of shame, especially after it’s been exposed to others. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionists tend to believe that admitting weakness or defeat would create unfavorable circumstances for them. They tend to live in a world of bullies and their victims, so, in many ways, they become bullies due to their limited perceived options. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Whereas defending oneself can be helpful, perfectionists take it to an extreme. Chronic defensiveness is a game of emotional hot potato, wherein shame is persistently and compulsively redirected and boomeranged, both directly and indirectly, to the accuser. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Ambivalence, as Nancy McWilliams remarked, is ubiquitous, rather than in itself an indicator of mental illness. It’s the state of holding conflicting desires, intentions, or beliefs, with, often, one side being conscious and the other hidden from oneself. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Over-explaining is a good example of control masked as altruism. While it may feel as though your interlocutor would benefit from more information, over-explaining is more often than not a way to control the narrative. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

For many perfectionists, the only way to feel good about themselves doesn’t exist—they want the rewards and the sense that they merited some achievement based on their extreme criteria. A significant part of maturity is learning how to accept success. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Feeling let down by the quality of an article I wrote, I thought it didn’t deserve to be successful. So, I decided to write a similar article to “prove myself.” The second didn’t perform as well, and I believed I didn’t deserve the success of the first one. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Self-oriented perfectionists impose strict standards on themselves, refusing to settle for less than perfect. This way of being is linked with black and white thinking, by which the perfectionist believes they’re either perfect and good or a loser and bad. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

I often ask my patients to consider what it would be like to let go of control, to produce art, writing, music, or whatever else, and let others decide how they feel about it. What would it be like if you allowed others to decide if you’re a fraud? www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

For the perfectionist, the question of “Do I deserve this?” frequently crops up. And whatever evidence indicating the perfectionist does is just as often minimized by the combination of that core belief and one’s fear of accepting an undeserved reward. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The people who want romantic love the most usually also can’t handle the vulnerability, equality, and uncertainty that come with it, which is, in part, why they fantasize about it so often and want it so badly.

One craves success but consistently finds ways to discount it. As perfectionists tend to live in terror of being discovered as frauds, the recognition of their mistakes in any achievement can easily cause inner tension, which can resolve through escape. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

As indicated by their limited ability to feel joy and their intense pursuit of relief, perfectionists use perfectionism less to feel good about themselves and more to not feel bad, so much of what they do is some form of retreat. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism is often a response to one’s core sense of badness, a mechanism for overcoming it. On the one hand, the hope of someday being morally good or successful sustains the perfectionist; on the other, their definition plagues them with self-doubt. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Nancy McWilliams noted, “The obsessive-compulsive uses words to conceal feelings, not to express them." And, as long as we’re perfecting, an extreme form of doing, we’re avoiding feeling. Our words and actions collaborate to suffocate our emotions. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

McWilliams wrote, "Some feel so bereft of clear family standards, so unsupervised and ignored by the adults around them, that to push themselves to grow up they hold themselves to idealized criteria of behavior and feeling they derive from the culture.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Since perfectionists are often people pleasers, it can be challenging for them to clarify what they want or what they believe in. Being sensitive to rejection, much of their time is consumed with adaptation, cultivating the right beliefs and behaviors. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...