In the classic, The Cry for Myth, the existential psychotherapist Rollo May follows up on the fairy tale of Sleeping Beauty. Consumed with boredom, both the prince and beauty eventually become disenchanted with each other and find affection elsewhere. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

When depressed, it feels as though nothing matters, so I dwell on the past, what I should have done to make my life matter. And when elated, I’m just waiting for some great experience or reward. That’s bipolar disorder. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism is a cover for something that isn’t there, used to hide flaws that only feel fatal. Perhaps, in addition to following beauty, we can recognize the existential obligation to reveal that which is already beautiful in us. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/09/f...

Perfectionism can, in one understanding, be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a cultivated harmony, or “having it all”—like Mozart wishing for both his father’s acceptance and full artistic freedom. existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

His father may have not cared for his greatness, but it doesn’t mean that Mozart had to follow suit and devalue it, too. Rather than asking if his father could hear his music, he may have instead asked if it was audible. Mozart continues to be loved. existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams, on this topic, wrote, “…self-defeating people live in a state of dread, almost always unconscious, that an observer will discern their shortcomings and reject them for their sins.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The perfectionist is asked to consider how much of their unhappiness stems from unreasonable demands, not merely excessive ones. How often do you put others in a double-bind, where nothing they do seems to please you? www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism can, in one understanding, be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a cultivated harmony, or “having it all”—like Mozart wishing for both his father’s acceptance and full artistic freedom. existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

Autists struggle to fit in, as they tend to march to the beat of their own drummer. However, they may, simultaneously, fixate on attaining social approval. So, they often remain locked in a paradox, trying to answer the question of, Am I impossible to love? existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

Article: existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

In the end, Mozart had two basic, and you can even call them existential, choices. He had to choose between being himself and making his father happy. Mozart’s vision would forever clash with that of his father’s—this seemed like a basic fact of life. existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

Amadeus, a fictitious account of the final years of Mozart, provides a stellar example of the life of an autistic individual. In the show, Mozart, a musical prodigy, is plagued by alcoholism, emotional instability, and a chronic need for validation. existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

Autistic people struggle to fit in, marching to the beat of their own drummer. However, they may, simultaneously, fixate on attaining social approval. So, they often remain locked in a paradox, trying to answer the question of, Am I impossible to love? existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

Perfectionism is pronounced in the autistic population, as autistic individuals tend to struggle with black and white thinking and a need for certainty, thereby using the pursuit of perfection to try to eliminate confusion and even self-doubt. existentialcafe.blog/2026/06/02/t...

Perfectionism is an excuse to avoid risk. Nancy McWilliams notably remarked, “The obsessive-compulsive uses words to conceal feelings, not to express them." And, one may add, as long as we’re perfecting, an extreme form of doing, we’re avoiding feeling. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Mozart carries a deep void, despite others’ approval (which he eventually receives after many attempts) and his own arrogance: he crumbles with each encounter of his father’s displeased ghost, who stalks him both while awake and in his dreams. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

Maybe, in the end, the way to feel to feel worthy or lovable has less to do with being loved and more with being able to love unconditionally. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The 2025 dramatic series Amadeus is a fictitious account of the final years of famed composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Mozart, a musical prodigy, is plagued by alcoholism, emotional instability, and a chronic need for validation. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

People-pleasers tend to consider approval to be a grand victory and, if they’re being honest with themselves, one over another; recall the phrase “winning them over”—they lose their flawed perspective of you as you’re proven right. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

In the past 2 years, I’ve written 187 articles for Psychology Today. Whether or not I decide to follow through on writing a book, I always wanted my writing to be free, so there will always be a space there for anyone to access my work.

Perfectionism can be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, "having it all.” Rather than seeing trade-offs as existential truths, failures are either personalized or projected, as blame is redirected onto others. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

This is why perfectionism is so insidious. One may gripe about a bad grade or a poor performance. They may bemoan not being the best athlete or artist. But, in the end, this may, at bottom, be a search for the impossible. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

If obsessiveness is demanding, love must be humble. If obsessiveness is a pursuit, then love must be an unfolding. If obsessiveness is taxing, then love must be filling. If obsessiveness stems from a deep lack, then love must only be a welcome addition. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Essentially, the perfectionist struggles with tolerating paradox. Perfectionism can, in one understanding, be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a cultivated harmony, or "having it all.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

While the socially-prescribed perfectionist internalizes others’ standards, even if they have some degree of regret for doing so, the self-oriented perfectionist, on the other hand, often experiences what in psychoanalytic thought is called ambivalence. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

To manage the distress of having conflicting desires, Mozart simply, and passively, hopes his father will recognize his genius and, in turn, his worth. But, time after time, and production after production, lead to more heartache and misery. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

Perfectionism can, in one understanding, be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a cultivated harmony, or "having it all.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

This long struggle perfectly captured the inner world of a perfectionist. The problem is twofold: 1. Mozart’s desire to be loved on his own terms, and even as a cry for help. 2. His father’s perception of Mozart’s actions as a challenge to his authority. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

He experiences what in psychoanalytic thought is called ambivalence, experiencing paradoxical feelings and/or desires. Mozart aches to live up to his own standard of perfection while also winning his father’s approval, which is based on his own standard. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

Essentially, the perfectionist struggles with tolerating paradox. Perfectionism can, in one understanding, be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a cultivated harmony, or "having it all.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The problem, as is likely evident, is twofold: 1. Mozart’s desire to be loved on his own terms, and even as a cry for help. 2. His father’s perception of Mozart’s actions as a challenge to his authority. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

In the show, Mozart carries a deep void, despite others’ approval (which he eventually receives after many attempts) and his own arrogance: he crumbles with each encounter of his father’s displeased ghost, who stalks him both while awake and in his dreams. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

Perfectionism can, in one understanding, be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a cultivated harmony, or “having it all”—like Mozart wishing for both his father’s acceptance and full artistic freedom. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

I’m going to use the negative feedback from my Psych Today editors as motivation to write a book.

Article: existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

While the socially-prescribed perfectionist internalizes others’ standards, even if they have some degree of regret for doing so, the self-oriented perfectionist, on the other hand, often experiences what in psychoanalytic thought is called ambivalence. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

1. What is perfectionism for? 2. Can the perfectionist ever feel satisfied? Perfectionism can, in one understanding, be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a harmony, which can be thought of as “having it all.” existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

On the surface, Mozart was fixated on, and seemed to have been proud of, being the best. Again, his operas were arguably perfect. Yet, as they were instrumental—a means to the end of paternal approval—he would never find solace in their existence. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

He experiences what in psychoanalytic thought is called ambivalence, experiencing paradoxical feelings and/or desires. Mozart wants to live up to his own standard of perfection while simultaneously winning his father’s approval, which is in conflict. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

To manage the distress of having conflicting desires, Mozart simply, and passively, hopes his father will recognize his genius and, in turn, his worth. But, time after time, and production after production, lead to more heartache and misery. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

Article: existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

This is my challenge to the perfectionist: Can you create a life for yourself that doesn’t require the approval of all of those whom you deem important? Can you find value in yourself solely because you, and some important others, value your unique talents? existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

While the socially-prescribed perfectionist internalizes others’ standards, even if they have some degree of regret for doing so, the self-oriented perfectionist often experiences what in psychoanalytic thought is called ambivalence, paradoxical feelings. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

On ep 258, we welcome David Samson to discuss sleep hygiene and the wellness industry, how we misunderstand the optimization of sleep, glorifying and idealizing ancestral societies, communal “shells,” and sleep’s relationship with mental health. Full ep: youtu.be/HHe0Akfs5jk

Amadeus is one of my top 5 shows, ever—even better than the movie. Mozart’s revelation that he hears music everywhere and feels pathologically compelled to share it is the epitome of giftedness—it feels like you’re just a vessel, with no freedom or understanding of its workings.

Mozart asks his father, “You couldn’t hear it, could you?” Then, to himself, says, “You never could.” As his father exits, the look on Mozart’s face reads: And you never will. His father, more concerned with optics, never exhibits an interest in his son. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

Article: existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

It isn’t that needing to prove yourself is inherently bad, nor is having to perfect some specific thing. The problem lies in needing to perfect something that can’t be perfected and in needing to prove something to someone who can’t embrace you. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

Perfectionism can be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a cultivated harmony, which also can be thought of as “having it all”–like Mozart wishing for both his father’s acceptance and artistic freedom. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/23/u...

Perhaps, an additional win doesn’t add or say anything meaningful. Perhaps, what can be said already has been but you weren’t able to hear it. Perhaps, your perfectionism is little more than a cover for a baseless fear. existentialcafe.blog/2026/05/09/f...