And don't assume I'm unaware of how messed up I must look.

Loneliness used to be harrowing. Now it's unbearable. Truly unbearable. Especially at night when I'm doing absolutely nothing, the dark thoughts crowd my mind. It's horrifying to exist in that mindset.

Gotta stop shitting on myself at every turn.

Cooking naked is fun until you realize you're not chopping a sausage.

Anyway, in a world needing light, a thread of songs I'm loving so far from the past few years. Nothing before 2020.

Only thing feeling right in the world is Cardiacs releasing LSD at the end of the week.

I'm far more interested in not being wrong than in being right. The stuff I'm saying is not about coming off righteous, clever, or a better person. My interest is in people being honest, even if it hurts.

When it comes to choosing between the comforts of western life and "the right thing", we choose the former.

On Twitter, where I only talk about movies and games, it's become hard to discuss anything without someone trying to shoot you down. Life is not black and white. You can dislike or not love a Palestinian movie and be pro Palestine, as much as you can criticize genocide and not be antisemitic.

I dislike talking about current affairs as if had all the information. Doesn't really stop anyone from doing so, but I just don't feel comfortable making these grand statements of support/hatred for anyone without having at least some facts.

I’m in need of the very thing no one wants to give me: affection.

It's not that I want to look away and pretend none of it is happening, it's that I cannot bear to look anymore. There's only so many photos of dismembered children one can endure. I can't do shit about it.

I mean, the news/media have destroyed all semblance of hope. If all we see is disaster, why would we try to leave our homes, or be productive, or find solace in others? The people who can make a positive difference are the same causing the conflicts.

I'll sound incredibly detached and insensitive, even though I'm not. It's kinda the opposite. I just can't bear this world. Tired of Gaza, tired of Epstein, tired of tyranny, tired of fighting just to get out of bed. We shouldn't have to suffer through hell to find a sliver of hope.

Can I rant about something sensitive? Yes? Thanks.

Started using Proton VPN to watch content unavailable in Chile. Now when I'm not using it, Google still seems to think I'm abroad. Unless I type my city, it keeps showing me results from the US/Canada. To be fair, I also had to turn off my laptop's SIP to use a program and maybe that's causing it?

When your dignity is forcibly stripped, your ability to trust goes either numb or away.

I never imagined I'd enjoy seeing someone who hurt me struggle and suffer. A disgusting sensation of divine justice. I just...she never suffers the consequences, so finding out she's doing poorly does bring me a tiny but of...relief?

For all the harmful thoughts I have about myself, I never really feel like hurting others. Lately, however, it has morphed into a disproportionate explosion of anger towards people who've hurt me. You might say it's a justifiable anger. It doesn't feel right, though.

I'm in a considerable amount of pain, physical and emotional. Sciatic nerve injury from fuck knows. Been limping for a few days now. My body's likely responding to a lack of movement and social interaction, it's like it is pushing me to do something.

I can never seem to stay away from here for too long. Part of me considers it a platform where I might exist as a person, not as a bunch of numbers and algorithms.

Remind me to stop opening up.

Yeah, this is stupid. I can’t take it anymore.

Coming back was a mistake. I shouldn’t be here, and no one wants me here.

Am I alone because people see how much self-hatred I endure? Or am I alone because I’m not good looking? Why does no one seem to care?

Does it feel like nothing because no one is around to share them with? Or because I hate myself too much?

I’m asking because I’ve done stuff with my life. I play several instruments, I write music and lyrics, and I produce. And now I’ve become fairly good with barista stuff. I can’t seem to appreciate these achievements. It feels like I’ve got nothing to show for it.

Do any of you feel like you’ve achieved nothing when in fact you do have things to be proud of?

I’d kill to know what it is I’m supposed to change in order to accept myself.

T'was a fuse. Fixed.

Ngl I want someone to hold me. And make me cum.

I was supposed to be doing a coffee demo and my grinder shut down after 3 seconds. I was left without any way to grind, so yeah...shit day. It's a goddamn $600 grinder, I gotta fix it somehow.

Friend of my dad's is allegedly a total beast with the Tarot, so I went to see her today. She's just good at reading people, to be honest. I've yet to experience any Tarot readings that have managed to show something substantial.

Oh, more bad news? Lovely.

7.37am…still drunk. Take me as I am.

What worries me is the anger WILL go somewhere.

What do I do with all this anger?

Orange tonic vodka. A few of them.

Why am I sharing this? Cause I got no one to share it with.

I’m compelled to make drastic choices before the year ends. Most appealing choice is vanishing completely. Save up a few bucks, fly away, drop my phone and wallet in the trash, and become a different person.

That’s why it’s so hard for me to just push ahead. There’s no inkling of hope to cling to.

Every time I go down one of these paths, I end up asking why I’m doing it. And the answer is almost always: “shit, I don’t have a reason to keep going”. I just don’t have one. A dream, a goal, a cause, a person. Got none of them.

I’ve tried many outlets, many styles of therapy. Even esoteric and alternative methods. Nothing works because depression isn’t logical. How do you treat a person who believes they are worthless? How do you convince or force that person to help themselves?

Therapy has come to a critical point. Therapists cannot tell you what to do, it opens too many ethical dilemmas. What if I mess up with her advice and blame her? Conflicts and all that. Also there’s no value in being handed the answer, it means nothing compared to realizing it yourself.

I’m clearly not dead, which I’ve no doubt comes as more bad news to add to the pile. Introspective few weeks. An ex pseudo-returned to my life, and I’m not sure how to deal with it yet. She’s okay, I guess. It’s me who’s emotionally shut off at the moment.

I aim to please, I guess.

To add an extra tinge of tragedy, I genuinely believe my suicide will be seen as good news.

Maybe that’s a big part of why I wanna commit suicide. The loneliness, the abandonment, the injustice, the lack of closure, the betrayals. What about staying alive is more reasonable than suicide?

Been ghosted and abandoned so many times I honestly don’t think I could trust anyone again.