the weather is so beautifull today. golden sunshine and blue skies <3

men hate a happy woman

today i had a psych evaluation and they didn’t want to do my meds anymore COS YOU ARE ESTROGENIZED!!!! LMFAO, imagine saying that to a cis woman…. TF is wrong with y’all? transgender broken arm syndrome fr

also me being nice to you doesn’t mean i’m into you…. like omg bro, im like 99% a professional girl lover im not thaaaaaat straight.

god i am so done with ass people being dicks to me for no reason. just talk about your feelings and don’t gaslight others?? it’s so obvious when it happens if you’ve done a lot of work on yourself, like plssss stop making drama im like not an angsty teen anymore that will fall for it

sorry y’all i’m finally normal thanks to SSRIs, atleast i can pretend i am still a crazy girl

life is amazing as usual again! woow. it’s like this medication is made for my brain, i got all my confidence back again <3 i can win again.

😭😭

the SSRI fixed my sleep… sort of, but now i have quite the insomnia and that never used to be a problem ;( like i can fall asleep, but then i wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back asleep again. ALSO my wrist temp is going ↗️

mfw your brother supports j.k. rowling indirectly by going to her theme park. "cos of capitalism nothing is ethical" he said. bro has a case of severe cognitive dissonance. BYEEEEE. fuck anyone who supports that shit.

it feels like summer but it's winter (thanks ssris!))

the nausea on these meds are CRAAAZY, but i also feel like i care less about things, like.... literally

going to deutschlanddd

That escalated and resolved in record time. Sometimes what looks like flirting is just warmth, and what looks like tension is someone else’s insecurity. Glad it landed somewhere honest in the end.

Yesterday…. I’n flirty with my girls and bois and this caused an issue cos she thought i’ll steal her man cos im being “flirty” to them too, while actually im just being nice cos i love you all. besides your man is a closet-gay and i’m trying to support him. he came out, they poly, she apologized

omw i gave a cute homeless boy a banana and an orange. he asked me for life advice after he found out i was euroasian…. “be like an American, they can steal anything” i said. “i’ll end up in jail” “atleast you’ll be warm” i said.

a friend of mine keeps inviting me for dnd, but for everyone to go into slutty horror fits… then she told me she doesn’t give a shit about dnd. yeah no shit girl

after a week they say it goes away, it better!!! i felt like Helen in ep1 of #TheNewsReader just a week ago (just the racing thoughts), now i feel like Dale who had their first Vodka, and i don’t like it.

these SSRIs are making me feel nauseous AF and i’ve never felt nauseous in my life except for going out of surgery 😭

happy and medicated

every time i owned a fountain pen i magically lose them, the last one i lost was a year or two ago. i can’t even recall what happened but it bothered me me ever since. i finally ran out of all my other shitty random pens and from now on i will not accept them anymore. i have to buy more FPs!!!

extra fine fountain nibs are such a beautifull blessing cos they force you to be more mindful about your handwriting. can’t hide bad technique. can’t shake too much. cant be aggro.

i felt like watching my reflection of anxiety on display with this one. indifferent-banter is my coping style fr

i live in a privileged country that is retarded at the same time.

reading the shit i write here makes me cringe so hard

she is like me

wow there is electricity again. now i can read my book

i dreamed of an angel saying that she would treat a girl like sugar and love her forever. i woke up and i coul**** *** ***** **** **** ** find ***, **** **. been thinking about it all day.

she learned to step back from the chaos in her head for the person she loved.

what a girl did when there had been no electricity for the day: ate slept wept wept wrote wrote some more read read talked but she disliked the talking realized slept

i wish i had someone close to me who could see me for me and be okay with that. i saw you and you don’t see me that’s why i’ve liked to be alone people can’t see neurodiversion, the ones that can are only a few, and from those few only a few can be loved.

today is the day that my hair will be chopped back into bangs, and my forehead will see the daylight no more.

well this aged nicely… a dm, “hey i think you might have ocd, do this test” she said. i asked my ex from before my current ex… …“you have the same thoughts i have” they said. shocking…it all makes sense…i thought ocd was repetition in obvious ways but no, it’s more than that, it’s a splinter

sharing raw thoughts on here is scary but whatever…it’s like being an angsty teen. if my colleagues saw this they’ll probably be scared about my well being, idc. this is stream of consciousness, not take a step back and go regulate consciousness. it’s not my M.O. Modus Operandi, you’ve got that?!

fuck all the people who’ve told me i shouldn’t love people with mental health struggles. die die die die! like what they don’t deserve it?? who are you to say that lmfao. ur auto-banned from my life, filth.

i’ve been debating wether i should stop watching movies for a while. idk watching them with my brother sometimes is cool and all…..but it’s my brother. and watching them alone doesn’t feel the same for me anymore.

breaking up with the wrong person isn’t actually that painful. loving the right person is.

2. if modelling fails this year i'm back to university and focus on a normal life with creative stuff as a side gig instead. 1. find paid internship and just spam hollywood, new Zealand or whatever country that offers film stuff and immigrate and become a citizen there. I hate this country

my year so far: 1. writing 2 hours a day 2. modelling (but can't find one that pays a nice living wage yet) 3. anime/comic-con 2x 4. can't cope with anxiety and phobia anymore 5. iron anemia sux 6. insane 'regulation' abilities unlocked, 4 and 5 exempted 7. reading a lot 8. bye community servers

i love writing in lapslock like i did as a teen. i don't want to change my style cos i am an "adult" now...if you think so you can rot.

for the first time in FOREVER i can't regulate my anxiety anymore, not even a tiny bit. SRNIs helped and nuked that ability, but need an actual SSRI now Diagnosed since whenever and i completely forgot about it...it's cos most people think and treat me normal due to my looks and masking behavior.

things i forget when high functional maskin: - i'm autistic - i have diagnosed anxiety disorders and phobia i can/could regulate through exposure therapy (i taught myself with a lot of suffering) - i probably have some other mental health thing i don't know about.

i kinda forgot that i'm autistic for the past half year. i didn't get tested for it cos it would take waaaay too long... otherwise i wouldn't get my add meds in time. ;(

i didn't realize how good this feature was, hiding the channels and showin only the ones you may need. there are only like a few people on discord that i care to spend my time on, and i should not spend my free time on servers that i don't have anything to do with or have any shared values with.

watching three films in one day and going places on a tight schedule felt like castings in nyc.

can’t believe that the only times i crash out in this life is when i have to deal with health care, to be specific, health care in the netherlands

absolutely beautifull

actually crashing out. i need an SSRI and now i feel like my psych is not on the same team. They want me to wait out and see my Ferritin levels restored, even though the SRNI i had before removed parts of my anxiety.

my new favorite movie