still alive btw but it feels like only barely lmao

OPEN UP MY BOOTY HOOOOOLE DADDY GET TO FISTIN TILL I'M SWOLE WITH SOME BOXIN GLOVES ON 💯‼️🗣📢‼️‼️‼️

officially back home now, gonna take a couple of days to get used to it again

finally going back home on tuesday

i continue to be the hottest bitch in this loony bin, and that's on periodt 💅

the 2nd half of today went pretty well actually and i genuinely felt good again for a substantial amount of time

guess who's still at the psychotherapy clinic. the most annoying thing is that i don't have my pc with me so i can't even work on my projects in all the free time i have here. i can try using lmms again on the low-spec laptop i have w me ig, no way it could run fl studio tho

i have succefully infiltrated the inpatient psychiatry, let's see how long I'll have to stay here until i feel better

genuinely, im feeling absolutely horrible

welp im going to the psych ward it seems...

i keep saying i have to finish this one and then i just don't...

the moon was orange af tonight

the day i give any of the remixes a normal ass name is the day y'all know i lost my spark and y'all are permitted to put me down like a horse with a broken leg

slurping up some chia seeds feeling like a lizard gulping down frog eggs

i swear Ive been having the worst mood swings i ever had for the past few days. literally switching between feeling like crying and like Im dying, to barely feeling anything, to feeling upbeat and like everything is alright and then circle right back in the span of an hour. like girl wtf is this?

my ideal form

i would have rather been a brittle star, no thoughts, no feelings, just crawling around on the ocean floor

still feeling sick btw

honestly im pretty sure happy tree friends had changed my brain chemistry when i first stumbled across it at like 12 when watching tv late at night lmao

apparently i weight 66.6kg and honestly that's tea on periodt

me coming across smaller western vocalsynth producers on youtube always be like "i wonder if this person would have me or one of my friends blocked on twitter if i still had an account on there"

got sick w some stomach bug the other day and genuinely felt like i might be dying, that was fun

what's a faggot gotta do to get a free state funded lobotomy in this dumpster of a country frfr

u kno i think my brain and body might be failing to tell the difference between positive excitement and genuine panic and anxiety, who would have thought!

*rips the anal beads out of your ass like i'm starting a lawnmower*

i am the owner of the one and only 24 karat gold rosetoy

i might try (and hopefully succeed) to catch up with my moots on here soon but i make no promises bc oof my brain is not being nice to me when it comes to social interactions even tho i wanna be social

she looks so stupid with that cobweb on her face

lowkey tweaking rn

anything for you miss hatsune miku

new pfp ig, don't ask me what the idea behind the specifics was bc idk, i literally don't even get nosebleeds

probably just gonna have to get comfortable with the fact that this state of no social energy is my new normal considering the previous phases never lasted this long and never felt this definite

ok so taking a 3 month long break from socials hasn't replenished my social battery whatsoever so i might as well reactivate my acc since it won't change a thing, so I'm back ig. i likely won't be very active still tho, might post some stuff but might not rly interact much otherwise

i might deactivate this account until i feel better, my brain just can't handle social interactions rn outside of a few specific circumstances. even dms with friends are slow. I've also been feeling overwhelmed with other things recently as well, and no main acc means one less thing to worry about

y'all get an early black & white cover/remix wip with spotty tuning ok now i go back to isolating bye

got put on a МАРs?! list on bsky by some rando bitch w a gacha life pfp that i never interacted with, like, that's so fucking funny lmao the fuck did i even do? some of y'all hoes should not be trusted with making lists. and im not even blocked by them so like? anyway just thought it was funny lol

kinda worried that my recent social inactivity will turn into my new permanent state & i won't be able to interact anymore with the few online friends & mutuals that i still have, which i don't do much as is already. it just feels like I'm becoming more & more socially isolated & it's not by choice

saw some other fuck ass news and immediately went from feeling relatively ok and unbothered to wanting to set myself and the entirety of earth on fire. i either need a lobotomy or for certain people to straight up die

ok bye

meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

i mean, i suppose this tracks considering the weird and seemingly illogical amalgamation of traits and opinions i possess that often don't occur together lmao ok this was fun ig, bye again now

anyway im gonna go isolate over on discord again and probably feel fucked up for the rest of the day if not for multiple

welp officially got diagnosed with glaucoma/optic nerve damage and got prescribed eyedrops for my increased eye pressure to hopefully stop it from progressing and i will likely have to use the drops for the rest of my life unless i try to fix it surgically, fun, im so live laugh love rn

reworking an old project from 2018, or rather i deleted everything inside of it except for the main melody & chord progression that i then gleefully butchered aka my brain threw chromaticism & quarter tones into that shit anyway early wip with zero eq or mixing ok i go disappear again now bye

here's another remix wip ok bye again now for who knows how long

concerning news y'all, I've built a working diy tattoo gun from scratch and amazon sells tattoo ink....

hate it here, saturday i got such bad acid reflux that my stomach started bleeding & I'm still recovering from it & dealing with daily heartburn AND seemingly i got so stressed during my psych appointment on monday that it triggered the most severe herpes sore on my lip i had in ages, i love life

u kno i can see why autistics are into drinking alcohol my social anxiety is mostly gone rn

i swear each passing year offing myself looks more and more appealing, if any big bad things happen in my personal life this year i might just decide to fuck all of this shit and peace out, i never expected to live past 18 in the first place anyway