It truly is the golden age for bullies in ‘80s teen comedies who end the movie covered in shaving cream and dog shit.

Every commercial should list possible side effects. Fast food? Side effects. Local used car dealer? Side effects. Premiere of a new CBS 9pm drama starring Stephen Baldwin and Sofia Vergara as unlikely partners solving cold cases in Miami? Oh, you better BELIEVE there are side effects!

Concerned, to Pepsi’s friend: Is Pepsi okay?

Hakeem Jeffries Pitchbot

It’s your kids, Marty! Something’s gotta be done about YOUR KIDS!!!

The Constitution: The President cannot usurp the powers of Congress The Supreme Court:

AS @tmbg.bsky.social FORETOLD!

Mottled UN

A Merry Day indeed!

Free headline for any left-leaning NY Post style newspapers: CARR TO KIMMELL: FCC YOU!!!

I just saw a promo for a new CW series called LAW & ORDER TORONTO: CRIMINAL INTENT that is somehow not a fake show on 30 ROCK.

In a world where nuance is seen as a political liability, it’s very hard to speak the twin truths that Charlie Kirk should still be alive, and that his life’s work should not be celebrated. It’s a cautionary tale lost in the storm of hot takes, lowered flags, and pointed fingers.

<The Onion “Sickos” meme> Ha ha yes!

I just sold this joke to Rob Schneider for 7 billion dollars.

They just announced the new show at The Sphere will be film of a classic Beatles concert expanded to show more members of the legendary Fab Nine!

Poo LOL

They really want folks talking about the DOW in this economy...?

British ghost cursed with still needing to use the toilet:

going to bed is so embarrassing. sorry, my brain needs to watch a movie. please don’t kill me

Televangelist with a messiah complex says what?

I got the Motts… whadda you got?

Post a meme made by you

President Billy Shears

Schrödinger’s president

Styx ferryman up early, sharpening his oar.

Kicking off Labor Day weekend with a flag tray of “spam”-ples. American cuisine at its finest.

Newsom’s time in the Dem-stan spotlight is giving me real “Cuomo in April 2020” vibes. Hard to imagine it turns out any better this time… We deserve better than performative minimum effort.

At the New York State Fair, having a lively discussion with an Ice Age Republican.

tfw Tom Cruise does his own stunts

Kids today are asking their phones. I’m phoning my exes. We are not the same. Unless you also got hit with a restraining order…?

30 minutes of that was them saying "Nyet... YOU hang up first!"

Finally, a history museum focused on the future.

MS NOW is short for MS NO WAY

Dr. Sam Beckett can Quantum Leap into the President aaaaaany day now.

You hear about the Ent who reviewed sandwiches? He was a lichen sub scribe.

STOP! HAMMOCK TIME!

Me *On the phone with police while burglars are actively robbing my house*: Let me see if I understand. You can't stop the burglars, and they're allowed to keep robbing me for three-and-a-half more years, and even then it's up to me to kick them out....? No, I don't want to take a survey.

Accidentally jumping back to the top of my feed, flicking to scroll down until I find the last post I was looking at, going real fast and realizing how long it took to read everything I’m flying past, faced with the consequences of how I spend my time, like opening a shortcut in a Dark Souls game.

Hulu’s “up next” algorithm is drunk.

PINK BOLOGNA CLUB IM GONNA BE EATING A PINK BOLOGNA CLUB MAYO AND BACON ON A

I write way more songs than I record, but this one just kinda came together. I’ve written a lot of political songs, but not sure any have been quite as “pointed.” Not asking any money for it. Just listen and then do something to make the world a little better. erich.bandcamp.com/track/alliga...

This might be the angriest song I've ever written. It's certainly in the running. erich.bandcamp.com/track/alliga...

RFK Jr’s approach to science:

It’s like A.I. and mRNA were sitting next to each other in class taking the same test and their scores got mixed up, so now everyone thinks A.I. is the genius and mRNA needs to be held back.

Is he still up on the roof?

When you get gum stuck in your hair and you’re all out of peanut butter:

Wait til you hear the 7,532,356 extra notes they added to Dark Side of the Moon.