This is a Dunk & Egg hype account

I dreamed a dream So what. Everyone does that. You’re not special

I am become tubbiness, consumer of treats

“Hey, do you wanna go—“ Stop. Home, library, or post office. If it’s not one of those, then no.

Hit and strike are synonyms. Why would you use them as opposites in baseball That’s so stupid

The Lord of the Rings should be the name of a Sonic comic.

Grapes > apples. No hate, but there’s just no contest here.

Grocer: “How many pears do you want?” Guy who wants two pears: “Three.” [Also he’s bad at numbers]

“Sleep” sounds like you’re making fun of someone for slipping.

“Scarf” is only an onomatopoeia if it’s used as a verb.

Waiting for people to be good before you help them is very convenient because it means you never have to help them.

Happy spooky month to all who celebrate. Please enjoy your pumpkins and skulls responsibly.

Oh I forgot to post this morning, better think up a banger real quick Uhhhhh blunderbuss is a funny word, right? Blunderbuss.

Titan AE correctly predicted that it’s very easy to create a planet out of beings of pure energy.

This mysterious stranger who avoids sunlight and casts no shadow is offering me free treasure if I just follow him into the ruined building down several flights of broken stairs. What kind of a fool would I be if I said no to free treasure?

I’m at the NWA Book Fest today! Come see me if you’re in the area.

Colonel, colonial, colonic What are we doing here yall

After being asked politely to stop skiboodle-doodling, Gunther Bumpus was escorted out of Dork Arena

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. A storm of arrows flying from a man’s mouth. A green coach learning the word “job.” A man with shrimp taped to his boxing gloves, typing an email.

Can you hear the people sing? If not, you may be entitled to compensation.

Listening to the lyrics of We Didn’t Start the Fire He really liked the band Sugar Ray, to include them in the list next to the H-bomb

Got so mad in my dream that I started eating my beard

I have seen the edge of reality. It looks like daffodils.

“Mowing the yard” was invented by Big Small Engine to sell lawn mowerss. Wake up. We don’t have to live like thiss. Let it grow. I am NOT a writhing masss of tickss and snakess that gained sentience. Stop mowing the lawn. Walk barefoot everywhere.

Just imagined someone calling pretzels “pritzles” and got really mad

Captain Ragezoid: “Nothing can stop me! No one will find out my one weakness!” Hamburgerman: “That’s what you think.”

You’ve never seen my full power. I’ve eaten sandwiches you couldn’t comprehend. Condiments you couldn’t dream of. Using napkins from beyond the seventh veil. Consider yourself abrogated.

Have a child, name them Mic. Everyone will assume it’s short for Michael or Michelle. You’ll know the truth. That kid’s name is Microphone.

There was an unstable bridge named Galloping Gertie and I feel like that bridge already had enough problems Why give it such a mean name

Sometimes people will rearrange the piles of papers on my desk when I’m not there I don’t like that one bit

I am more than one standard deviation from the norm when it comes to per capita candy corn consumption, and I do NOT speak to people who aren’t.

Can’t talk now. The wisdom of the ancients has fallen upon me. Here is their message: Return of the Jedi is the best of the OT because of its color palette.

Every Stephen becomes a Steve eventually

Typing lol one last time before I pass out each night like I’m the last guy in the Marconi wireless room aboard the Titanic

If you’re going to be in the area on the 27th, come see me and other great authors and vendors!

Chuckling wryly as I peruse the Mac and cheese instructions on the box. These fools. These poor, mad fools. Cheese? Macaroni? It’s fantasy. Can’t be done.

Shouldn’t post this, but here we go: Bdifhdvidbdbdjjsjslsldhvd

Strive for grapeness

Ad hominem sounds like what someone who doesn’t know how to cook would say if they were put in charge of a kitchen

BREAKING NEWS: I’m eepy and hungie

The game of Scrabble doesn’t end when we run out of tiles. We never run out tiles. The game of Scrabble ends when someone bleeds.

Shredded cheddar cheese? Where I come from, that’s shreddy cheddy

Todaybor day is Labor Day. Happy Labor Day.

Don’t you dare take my squeaky shoes to the dance You know I bought them for myself

If you like Factorio, you’d love being a marching band director.

You’re a fool if you think I’m not going to pet that dog. A damned fool.

Crimes against huge manatees

Rage against the dying of the light? Buddy I’m raging against too many peanuts in the chexmix

Green acres? No. Make them purple. (This message took two hours to compose)

Can’t find my schwas Bring me my schwas