Bought a goose for home defense and now I can’t leave my house because there’s a big angry goose out there

Word: debuted My brain: day byuted

[sees spilled milk] Keep it together, you’re in public

Some of the old presidential campaign slogans were wild. “Tippecanoe and Tyler too!” Man what are you even saying. Tippecanoe? And who is Tyler?!

You’re telling me A chocolate lab covered these cherries

It will snow. It is snowing. It snows. It snew. It has snode.

I get WAY more mad about an unskippable 5 second ad than I do about a longer ad that I have to skip after five seconds pass

When is the right time to put out Christmas decorations? Too early, and you warn the spirits of the upcoming holiday, which may lead to them giving you an abundance of bad luck in your holiday prep. Folklore says Christmas Eve is the best day, but in this economy? #FolkloreSunday

I’m just a man standing in a public restroom Begging this automatic faucet to notice my hands waving around to get this disgusting soap off of me so I can leave

“Fall apart in my backyard” was said Baloo the Bear and I’ve never forgotten the phrase.

“Once upon a time” —cliche, old-fashioned, tired “When the world was young and oysters flew kites” —dynamic, intriguing, memorable

If you’re at the airplort this week, don’t forget to feed the baggage claim belt a briefcase full of hot dogs before you go

“No me gusta” means “It doesn’t gusta me.” No one knows what gusta means. It’s lost to time and history.

Give me an hour to myself and I will use it to either write or play Dwarf Fortress.

Can’t see the responsibilities. They’re not moving and I have T-Rex eyes.

Brain full of spiders, soul full of garlic, termites in his smile Someone needs to do a wellness check on the Grinch

Arm yourself with knowledge. Shield yourself with wisdom. Festoon yourself with approximation. Barricade yourself with savoir faire. Bedeck yourself with conjecture.

Stuff was going on BCE

If you love being late to everything all the time and never getting enough sleep, you’re going to love being a parent.

“You must come from a state where the capital is the biggest city” Sir I did not come here to be accurately attacked.

Every burger place is like “Come in, we have burgers” And then you go in and it’s burgers

To all the teachers out there: The numbers thing will pass. You’ve weathered other storms before. It won’t last forever. Hang in there.

She's touring the facility and picking up slack I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooong skirt She is wearing two skirts. Two skirts at the same time. Simultaneous skirts of varying length. Two-skirts McGoo.

When the clarinet does that thing at the beginning of Rhapsody in Blue is one of the best things a clarinet can do.

Gotta marinate. Need to broil. Time to sauté. Gonna simmer.

Loops are a breakfast shape. Bagels, donuts, froot, small tires, Cheerios. The loop means it’s time to eat after you’ve slept.

You expect me to return to dust? As in dirt? As in soil? I am not a plant.

You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. I can. But you’re not skilled enough.

I think Star Wars would’ve been a lot better if someone had given C-3PO a little peck on the forehead, just once.

Eye doctor and a boxer? That’s a boptometrist. Also plays fast jazz? Beboptometrist.

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen But do you recall The most famous reindeer of all?

Do not mistake my flapjacks for pancakes. You’ll end up like everyone else.

Just learned from the DMV that Life of Pivis fiction. Life of LIES

You cannot triple stamp a double stamp. This was settled law as of Harry v. Lloyd. The Supreme Court has affirmed this multiple times.

Put a gallon of milk inside that hat and then me it’s ten gallon. Lying, deceptive hat name.

Touching grass is overrated. Ticks live in that stuff. There’s rock poop (aka dirt) under there.

Times I’ve stopped at a gas station: Just for gas: small number Just for a little treat: big number For gas & a little treat: biggest number Get a data analyst on this

Pillows is bed raviolis

“Benign? You’re a beseven or besix at best.” — the worst oncologist in the world

If the internet had been around in the 1800s, Alexandre Dumas would’ve seen stuff like “D’Artagnan? More like F’Artagnan” all over his Amazon reviews.

I had a really good idea for a post, but I forgot it. Please treat this post as *that* post, and remember: it was very good, and you would have loved that other post. Respond to this one accordingly.

Repeatedly tapping out rhythms on the snare drum with “DO NOT PLAY, CAUSES CATASTROPHES” stamped on it. Weird name for a brand of drums.

If our teeth were on our elbows, meals would be a lot messier.

Train your eyes to always be finding those hidden picture illusions. That way you will only be able to see those hidden picture illusions and nothing else.

Cat cuddles are a precious resource.

You’ve been Plungerstruck

“You think this is what I wanted? This isn’t what I wanted.” — Fred Durst, being given Oreos

Me: Who NOSE what’ll happen, right? Pinocchio: you’re dead to me

1776 New York City Pardon me, are you Aaron Bird, sir? CAAWW

Greensleeves was all your joy? Dude, there’s like rollercoasters and video games and stuff. Get out more.