Me, thinking about how easy it was to breathe through my nose two days ago: That simple fool. I had no idea how good I had it. Perfect respiration, wasted.

There is a staggering variety of cheeses for sale in every grocery store

You think I don’t know what a persimmon is Of course I know what a persimmon is You fool

Alarm Clock would be a terrible ice cream flavor

Do you think camels know how weird they look

I wonder if that duck ever found any gwapes

I have never once had more than one mambo, I can’t even imagine FIVE of them

punctuation and capital letters were made up by ink manufacturers in order to sell more ink andspacesbetweenwordswereinventedbypapercompaniesforsimilarreasons

Struggling to eat this entire pizza But I will prevail

Bad: three spidermans Better: three spidermen Galaxy brain: three spidersman

Optometrists are like Yeah, we’ll grant you the gift of sight But you gotta pay

When I kick the bucket, I give the executor of my will permission to strap my remains to an automatic pogo stick and let it go nuts

Grand Ol’ Osprey

Let me put all allegations to rest on the matter: Yes, I did once eat hallway pizza because I spent all my Con money on a pleather cloak. No, I do not regret it. Yes, I still have the pleather cloak twenty years later.

“Hamster Castle” sounds great until you realize one of them will be dressed up as a little wizard guy and then it sounds AWESOME can you imagine that

Yes, Virginia, Grape Ape is a Kaiju

What if a gravedigger digs lots of things and is just very serious all the time Didn’t think of that did you

“It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday” Never told AM or PM. This song happens in the morning. They’re all day-drinking for breakfast.

Can’t talk right now. I’m trying to figure out Pringles

Bought a goose for home defense and now I can’t leave my house because there’s a big angry goose out there

Word: debuted My brain: day byuted

[sees spilled milk] Keep it together, you’re in public

Some of the old presidential campaign slogans were wild. “Tippecanoe and Tyler too!” Man what are you even saying. Tippecanoe? And who is Tyler?!

You’re telling me A chocolate lab covered these cherries

It will snow. It is snowing. It snows. It snew. It has snode.

I get WAY more mad about an unskippable 5 second ad than I do about a longer ad that I have to skip after five seconds pass

When is the right time to put out Christmas decorations? Too early, and you warn the spirits of the upcoming holiday, which may lead to them giving you an abundance of bad luck in your holiday prep. Folklore says Christmas Eve is the best day, but in this economy? #FolkloreSunday

I’m just a man standing in a public restroom Begging this automatic faucet to notice my hands waving around to get this disgusting soap off of me so I can leave

“Fall apart in my backyard” was said Baloo the Bear and I’ve never forgotten the phrase.

“Once upon a time” —cliche, old-fashioned, tired “When the world was young and oysters flew kites” —dynamic, intriguing, memorable

If you’re at the airplort this week, don’t forget to feed the baggage claim belt a briefcase full of hot dogs before you go

“No me gusta” means “It doesn’t gusta me.” No one knows what gusta means. It’s lost to time and history.

Give me an hour to myself and I will use it to either write or play Dwarf Fortress.

Can’t see the responsibilities. They’re not moving and I have T-Rex eyes.

Brain full of spiders, soul full of garlic, termites in his smile Someone needs to do a wellness check on the Grinch

Arm yourself with knowledge. Shield yourself with wisdom. Festoon yourself with approximation. Barricade yourself with savoir faire. Bedeck yourself with conjecture.

Stuff was going on BCE

If you love being late to everything all the time and never getting enough sleep, you’re going to love being a parent.

“You must come from a state where the capital is the biggest city” Sir I did not come here to be accurately attacked.

Every burger place is like “Come in, we have burgers” And then you go in and it’s burgers

To all the teachers out there: The numbers thing will pass. You’ve weathered other storms before. It won’t last forever. Hang in there.

She's touring the facility and picking up slack I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooong skirt She is wearing two skirts. Two skirts at the same time. Simultaneous skirts of varying length. Two-skirts McGoo.

When the clarinet does that thing at the beginning of Rhapsody in Blue is one of the best things a clarinet can do.

Gotta marinate. Need to broil. Time to sauté. Gonna simmer.

Loops are a breakfast shape. Bagels, donuts, froot, small tires, Cheerios. The loop means it’s time to eat after you’ve slept.

You expect me to return to dust? As in dirt? As in soil? I am not a plant.

You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. I can. But you’re not skilled enough.

I think Star Wars would’ve been a lot better if someone had given C-3PO a little peck on the forehead, just once.

Eye doctor and a boxer? That’s a boptometrist. Also plays fast jazz? Beboptometrist.

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen But do you recall The most famous reindeer of all?