Jeff Ayers, author
@jeffayerswrites.bsky.social
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📥 913
📝 499
Fantasy author, doofus, mage and cleric, teacher Website: jeffayerswrites.com
Bought a goose for home defense and now I can’t leave my house because there’s a big angry goose out there
about 7 hours ago
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Word: debuted My brain: day byuted
1 day ago
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[sees spilled milk] Keep it together, you’re in public
1 day ago
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Some of the old presidential campaign slogans were wild. “Tippecanoe and Tyler too!” Man what are you even saying. Tippecanoe? And who is Tyler?!
2 days ago
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You’re telling me A chocolate lab covered these cherries
3 days ago
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It will snow. It is snowing. It snows. It snew. It has snode.
4 days ago
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I get WAY more mad about an unskippable 5 second ad than I do about a longer ad that I have to skip after five seconds pass
5 days ago
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reposted by
Jeff Ayers, author
The Godyssey Podcast
5 days ago
When is the right time to put out Christmas decorations? Too early, and you warn the spirits of the upcoming holiday, which may lead to them giving you an abundance of bad luck in your holiday prep. Folklore says Christmas Eve is the best day, but in this economy?
#FolkloreSunday
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I’m just a man standing in a public restroom Begging this automatic faucet to notice my hands waving around to get this disgusting soap off of me so I can leave
5 days ago
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“Fall apart in my backyard” was said Baloo the Bear and I’ve never forgotten the phrase.
6 days ago
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“Once upon a time” —cliche, old-fashioned, tired “When the world was young and oysters flew kites” —dynamic, intriguing, memorable
7 days ago
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If you’re at the airplort this week, don’t forget to feed the baggage claim belt a briefcase full of hot dogs before you go
10 days ago
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“No me gusta” means “It doesn’t gusta me.” No one knows what gusta means. It’s lost to time and history.
12 days ago
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Give me an hour to myself and I will use it to either write or play Dwarf Fortress.
14 days ago
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Can’t see the responsibilities. They’re not moving and I have T-Rex eyes.
15 days ago
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Brain full of spiders, soul full of garlic, termites in his smile Someone needs to do a wellness check on the Grinch
16 days ago
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Arm yourself with knowledge. Shield yourself with wisdom. Festoon yourself with approximation. Barricade yourself with savoir faire. Bedeck yourself with conjecture.
17 days ago
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Stuff was going on BCE
18 days ago
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If you love being late to everything all the time and never getting enough sleep, you’re going to love being a parent.
19 days ago
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“You must come from a state where the capital is the biggest city” Sir I did not come here to be accurately attacked.
20 days ago
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Every burger place is like “Come in, we have burgers” And then you go in and it’s burgers
20 days ago
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To all the teachers out there: The numbers thing will pass. You’ve weathered other storms before. It won’t last forever. Hang in there.
20 days ago
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She's touring the facility and picking up slack I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooong skirt She is wearing two skirts. Two skirts at the same time. Simultaneous skirts of varying length. Two-skirts McGoo.
21 days ago
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When the clarinet does that thing at the beginning of Rhapsody in Blue is one of the best things a clarinet can do.
22 days ago
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Gotta marinate. Need to broil. Time to sauté. Gonna simmer.
23 days ago
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Loops are a breakfast shape. Bagels, donuts, froot, small tires, Cheerios. The loop means it’s time to eat after you’ve slept.
24 days ago
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You expect me to return to dust? As in dirt? As in soil? I am not a plant.
25 days ago
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You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. I can. But you’re not skilled enough.
26 days ago
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I think Star Wars would’ve been a lot better if someone had given C-3PO a little peck on the forehead, just once.
27 days ago
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Eye doctor and a boxer? That’s a boptometrist. Also plays fast jazz? Beboptometrist.
28 days ago
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You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen But do you recall The most famous reindeer of all?
28 days ago
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Do not mistake my flapjacks for pancakes. You’ll end up like everyone else.
29 days ago
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Just learned from the DMV that Life of Pivis fiction. Life of LIES
about 1 month ago
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You cannot triple stamp a double stamp. This was settled law as of Harry v. Lloyd. The Supreme Court has affirmed this multiple times.
about 1 month ago
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Put a gallon of milk inside that hat and then me it’s ten gallon. Lying, deceptive hat name.
about 1 month ago
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Touching grass is overrated. Ticks live in that stuff. There’s rock poop (aka dirt) under there.
about 1 month ago
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Times I’ve stopped at a gas station: Just for gas: small number Just for a little treat: big number For gas & a little treat: biggest number Get a data analyst on this
about 1 month ago
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Pillows is bed raviolis
about 1 month ago
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“Benign? You’re a beseven or besix at best.” — the worst oncologist in the world
about 1 month ago
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If the internet had been around in the 1800s, Alexandre Dumas would’ve seen stuff like “D’Artagnan? More like F’Artagnan” all over his Amazon reviews.
about 1 month ago
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I had a really good idea for a post, but I forgot it. Please treat this post as *that* post, and remember: it was very good, and you would have loved that other post. Respond to this one accordingly.
about 1 month ago
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Repeatedly tapping out rhythms on the snare drum with “DO NOT PLAY, CAUSES CATASTROPHES” stamped on it. Weird name for a brand of drums.
about 1 month ago
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If our teeth were on our elbows, meals would be a lot messier.
about 1 month ago
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Train your eyes to always be finding those hidden picture illusions. That way you will only be able to see those hidden picture illusions and nothing else.
about 1 month ago
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Cat cuddles are a precious resource.
about 1 month ago
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You’ve been Plungerstruck
about 1 month ago
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“You think this is what I wanted? This isn’t what I wanted.” — Fred Durst, being given Oreos
about 1 month ago
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Me: Who NOSE what’ll happen, right? Pinocchio: you’re dead to me
about 2 months ago
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1776 New York City Pardon me, are you Aaron Bird, sir? CAAWW
about 2 months ago
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Greensleeves was all your joy? Dude, there’s like rollercoasters and video games and stuff. Get out more.
about 2 months ago
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