i’m careening on down the way pal

some great jokesters and japesters: jonk mulgaveme malena bankfork dayg attelp and many more

did you seriously just take one down and pass it around bro

there’s a documentary from 1993 where robert downey jr stumbles around across the 1992 election trail high out of his goddamned mind in every single scene; at one point he smokes a cig while swimming in a fountain

they should screen movies at waffle house but instead of getting in trouble for talking, if you shush someone who is, the staff holds your hand down on the griddle

third act misunderstanding in a matthew mcconaughey romcom when his fiancée walks in on him using a bicycle pump to pump his penis full of air

[trying to seem confident] you think i’m cute, huh??? you wish i was in a boy band so you could get a poster of me on your wall????

[trying to seem confident] you think i’m cute, huh??? you wish i was in a boy band so you could get a poster of me on your wall????

a simple “hello” would have sufficed

Would Like 2 see, a beautiful Lady in these

third act misunderstanding in a matthew mcconaughey romcom when his fiancée walks in on him using a bicycle pump to pump his penis full of air

sliding down an enormous pipe to an unknown destination is just a thing i do

george carlin shooting a laser pointer in anna faris’s eyes in scary movie 3 is one of the greatest things ever put to screen

after 4 beers:

babies belong to the bald community, only to betray them when it starts to count

there should be a golden oldies station that just plays audio from vintage porn

gollum would be a big anti-woke guy if he could watch movies because he’d see the title “precious” and expect it to be about his ring but instead it’s about a fat black lady

they should screen movies at waffle house but instead of getting in trouble for talking, if you shush someone who is, the staff holds your hand down on the griddle

let others know!!!

they’re hookin my ass on phonics!!!

teaching my cat how to make a billion dollars

cast iron handle or forbidden pocket pussy???

how has there never been a tommy wiseau fuck a fan contest. i’d expect it to be one of his first moves the minute he got any amount of fame

this year has been bad for the world but huge for me personally. i organized and played 20 shows, put a new album out, and had some of the greatest nights of my life with some of my favorite people. i’ve found and made the community i never had. if you came to any of them, it means the world 💚

they’re deploying a platoon of moonmen to teach me how to bounce off the ground

in one of the most rockstar moments of my life a chick grabbed my crotch during my set the other night lol

my new album Made to Fade is out everywhere now. buy it on bandcamp or stream on the evil service of your choosing, i hope you love it 💚 12 songs of angst, self-hauntings, regrets and trans becoming. crimesididntcommit.bandcamp.com/album/made-t...

my new album Made to Fade got listed in Orlando Weekly’s 15 local albums of the year 💚 www.orlandoweekly.com/music/orland...

fav drink in da world

enough champagne… to fill the nile!!!!!

i’m exiting the antechamber bro

so ready to perform tn

last show of the year tonight with the amazing milkman’s molotov from NYC along with a ton of other terrific local artists, i cannot wait

catching a guy wearing a walkman on a worksite in 2002 and going “wait till the foreman hears about this!!!!”

who is paying for this tedious smoky the bear commercial that is on all the time? enough already!

i’m standing on the side of the stage at a comedy club heckling “get new material!” to a woman who’s just weeping hysterically instead of telling any jokes, and everybody’s applauding me

avatar has had a huge cultural impact: it’s become something tedious people go online about to say it’s made no cultural impact, like posting about hating the beatles or calling die hard a christmas movie, because it makes someone think they sound interesting despite it being a pretty boring stance

great big boulder has gotta be one of my favorite things to dodge out of the way of

i can never have a martini and not think of mitch hedberg’s joke about drunk driving commercials

it’s said by many that the ceo of kohl’s is granted the right of prima nocta

just defeated a cyclops, and quite easily, too

it’s still so awesome that for a brief and beautiful moment, panera bread of all restaurants sold a drink that kills you

2026 is going to be a great year to give me love, praise and financial compensation

in a lot of ways, semen is like the cum of the balls

i’m being revisited

once again, another december 26th, which means another day of santa getting home to wonder why all the elves are so exhausted, unaware of their 24 hour suck-and-fuck-a-thon during the one day he’s away

i’m whippin the grinch’s ass with a car antenna

bullets have gotta be one of the worst things to be riddled with

i love that i’m an incredibly friendly and socially outgoing person irl