Basically, the English laugh like "Boh-hoh-hoh-hoh," Australians laugh like "Gah-hah-hah," and Americans laugh like "Think yer funny, funnyman?"

All their grandchildren are going to change their names

Those kids from The Blair Witch Project are real, and they're still out there. And it's up to me to rescue them

I am tired of hospitalized children asking me to hit a home run for them. My home runs are mine alone.

It feels like everyone stopped talking about The Bastard Executioner (FX, 2015)

Most dangerous animals: 2. man 1. thundergoose

The reason that's a RAM shortage is cause I'm building a computer so long you'll never see the end of it, even if you run all day and night

"Resistance is futile. Submit or be destroyed." -Guy on your side

The longest fingernails guy makes 300 million dollars a year. Every country in the world gives him big bags of cash in hopes that he won't come and scratch out their eyes

That team is about to quit and launch a patreon called "Stopwatch"

I feel so embarrassed for old dogs who get introduced to a puppy and suddenly act all young and energetic. Act your age

apparently there's not much evidence to back up those stories of U.S. soldiers returning from foreign wars and getting spat on, but it's not too late to start

All members of congress not currently disrupting meetings until they're hauled away are complicit, this goes for me too but especially them

Say, there goes that Gon Freecs boy. I think I'll challenge his resolve

Leaning toward my liege's ear at the war council and whispering "I'm bored"

People like to say Wednesday is the biggest fucker day of the work week, but that's not true. Wednesday is almost Thursday, which is almost Friday. The real fucker day is Tuesday

Not gonna say this again: "Baseball" is the name of the sport. If you're talking about the ball, that's the Baseball ball.

Some prefer giving to receiving, but not me. When you receive something, you get to have it

Silent Hill f gets my "Alien: Isolation Award for Game That's Really Good but Drags in the Back Half"

The winner of the dog show gets released back into the wild

Happy birthday MST3K, you taught me there are 500 Italian movies where Hercules outwits an evil woman

Treasure Island is starting to garner major hype among bookheads, so it's time to give my honest review. Does it deserve your hard-earned "Pieces of Eight?" Or will I have to give it "The Black Spot?"

It's bullshit that I'm imprisoned in the dungeon just because I was storing my poison in the king's goblet and the king drank it. I was keeping my poison there for later. I can't control what the king drinks

Sour Patch Ribs

Mr. Cuomo please demand a recount and lose the same race 3 times

NEW YORK! Don't forget to GO OUT TODAY and grab a FAMOUS NEW YORK SLICE

My insider knowledge says cryptocurrency is done for (my local convenience store used to have a bitcoin kiosk but it's gone now)

That's not what I heard

Wish you were more afraid on Halloween? For $20, I will come and harm you

Thin ball, flutters in wind

Nominees are always so embattled. Who keeps embattling our nominees

Attended a friend's wedding tonight, and none of the speeches talked about me... Guess it's true what they say... Fake friends make faker weddings...

Come hang out with cops while enjoying a big cup of the drink that makes your movements sudden

Idea for Austin Powers reboot: Austin Powers sees a "Grooved Pavement" road sign and says "Groovy pavement? Yeah!" I don't care what else happens in the movie

Dentist saw me 50 minutes late, I'm stealing as many teeth as I can carry on my way out

Some extra bad opinions this week. I should get to decide who's allowed to post about the things I like

When my dog jumps off my lap, he is a lot like Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus Christ for thirty pieces of silver

Bought a couple little Reese's pumpkins because they were 2 for $4. Wasn't til I got home when it occurred to me that that's not a good deal at all

evil newspaper called The Grim Tidings

Whenever I rob a British person, they're always like "ohh you nicked me dosh"

Top 5 most cinematic movie moments: Number 5: the shootout from Heat. I haven't seen it, but you have to admit that the shootout from Heat is the number 5 most cinematic movie moment

Haven't read the article but the genetic trick that helped humans ride horses is the ass

My coworkers noticed I was having a rough week so they all pitched in to give me covid

"My only regret is that there's no such thing as 3D movie technology, so I can't have my films leap right off the screen and scare the audience silly." -Alfred Hitchcock

I hate when James Bond shoots me and my blood cascades down the inside of my gun barrel somehow

It shouldn't be that hard to create new American folklore. We all just have to start telling our children that The Crubbler is going to kill them, and not to go out on Crubbler Night, etc.

Workers of the world: Our enemy is not the CEO or the financier. It is the baker-man! See how his shelves are stuffed with pies and fresh breads! He is keeping them all to himself!

Once again, the U.S. Military is defeated by guerilla fighters who know the land