On my way to the gym to celebrate Easter with my fellow heathens!

Just ran 13 miles am I the new Attorney General?

Wow, what a bargain!

saw Project Hail Mary yesterday so of course last night I dreamt that I was...Sandra Hüller, wow I'm so normal.

The girl working at Dunkin' said I look handsome today. I'm updating my will tonight, she gets everything.

whew, the civic DUTY I just did

Took the day off so I'm taking myself out on a breakfast date, we'll see what happens

As much as I love Chicago, St. Pat's weekend is always a yearly reminder that American cities completely fail in providing public facilities for someone to relieve themselves.

I'm going for a run and I'm gonna be gay out there.

We found 11 BILLION dollars for war but can't fix the CRATER-SIZED POTHOLE IN THE ALLEY THAT'S BEEN THERE FOR OVER A YEAR?!

NOT NOW, LINKIN PARK!

I think it's important to eat healthy so moving forward I'll be limiting my cheat days to just Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays.

While I really appreciate that every Democratic primary candidate in Chicago is running with a message of ICE Out, Ma'am, you are running for Water Reclamation Commissioner, are you referring to ACTUAL ice?

I'll never get the same endorphin rush from exercising that I do from a good plate of biscuits and gravy

Woke up from a nightmare that my phone battery dropped from 100% to 46% within five minutes of leaving the house, whew I was SWEATING

Just ran the silliest distance ever

Oh nothing, just lying in bed, dropping my phone on my face.

Accidentally bought the full size paper towels instead of select-a-size

I'll tell you the state of the union: not good. There, I saved you all a couple of hours.

There are certain people who I regularly see running on the lakefront path, and although I don't know their names or anything else about their lives, I know that when we pass each other they're going to smile and wave, so yes, I consider them my friends.

Just ran for two and a half hours did I win the Olympics?

You guys, I'm not okay.* *just finished another book with characters that I fell in love with and will never see again.

My next novel is about a guy with big calves and his jeans keep getting stuck on them.

Did you know that you can drink ginger ale without whiskey? It's surprisingly good.

Look, I still haven't recovered from figure skating's awful judging since Michelle Kwan was ROBBED of the Olympic Gold medal, losing to Tara Lipinski.

I think the main reason why I'm gay is because I am attracted to men.

Just ran for 2 hours did I win Bad Bunny?

Super Bowl? No thanks, I'll take the Never Ending Pasta Bowl.

Grease 2

Before I go to bed, can someone please tell me if everything's gonna be alright?

I like my men how I like my coffee: sitting for hours on a burner at 7-eleven

Who is worse, a murderer or someone whose phone dings every time they get an email?

I Wasn't In The Mood So I Hid From You At Walgreens: An Autobiography

I have something controversial to say, and I completely understand if it makes you want to unfollow me, but I've always liked Lisa Rinna.

Just ran for an hour and a half on the treadmill do I get to take it home now?

Favorite new game to play at the gym: Are those actually shorts or just underwear?

Some of you have forgotten that the power actually belongs to the people and it shows

Although I have stacks of unread books at home, don't think I won't be partaking in one of my comfort activities of visiting a used bookstore during lunch. We must do what keeps us sane in these times.

We made it back up to 0°!

This wind chill will leave you numb so it's basically a man?

live, laugh, let's get panda express for lunch

Jesus would have lived in Boystown

Sorry I haven’t been funny recently I have been eating more vegetables

Nutritionist: You want to aim for 2000-2500 calories. Me: And then how many in the evening?

I miss when people actually were sort of decent.

Fine, I'll drink my way through all... this...

I don't know who needs to hear this but take your full lunch break.

Whenever current events feel heavy and overwhelming I tend to spend less time on social media and more time reading. Can you believe I've already read 3,487 books already this year? Wow.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs are back. Lord give me strength.

Turned the heat up to 70 like some sort of billionaire.