I hate when you are sitting comfortably until someone pulls a cushion out from underneath you and suddenly your life feels so empty.

I honestly thought Sunday drivers was just a joke. But every single Sunday I get stuck behind some eejits doing 20mph under the speed limit on the overtaking lane of a dual carriageway. Then they have the audacity to flash the glaucoma eye at me when I eventually undertake them.

*Pops head back in* yer man croak it yet?

Based on Trump’s latest post, the Mrs wants me to start digging a bunker in the back garden. She doesn’t know it’s heavy clay soil. Personally, I’d rather be vaporised in a nuclear blast than try to dig through that nonsense.

Doctors are a complete scam these days. £800 to remove a skin tag!? Piss away off mate, it's a bit of skin, not my fucking leg.

The fragile treaty between me and the wasp nation is no more. After a brazen strike on my son, I am left with no choice but to declare total war. Any wasp breaching our borders will be met with fire, fury, and a flip-flop. No mercy. No survivors. 🐝🔥🩴

What in the American bullshittery is this!?

Enjoyed my few days away on the motorbike, but glad to get back to this big lump.

Turns out I'm a crack shot, even 5 pints deep. Centre mass is for wimps. Headshots only.

I hate being the second best looking boy in my house now.

Careful in and around Belfast folks. Caught this guy trying to steal my car. Possibly Polish, suspected to be part of a splinter group, unfortunately made a clean getaway. Police are doing a sweep. Stay safe.

I have to do a presentation for my master tomorrow morning. So if world war 3 starts overnight it'll be a bloody blessing.

You’ve heard of the Peter Principle, where people rise to their level of own incompetence. But I give you: The Peter Out Principle - Where everyone gets promoted to the point where they can just no longer be arsed.

Absolutely love forwarding emails and adding simply: "FYI" - pure corporate speak for 'I can't be arsed explaining this but if you ignore it, that’s on you.'

You may be wondering why I needed an anvil. Well I have a roadrunner problem and my painting skills aren't great.

What the weirdest present anyone ever got you? My mate just got me an anvil 😂

The Venn diagram of ‘Bargain Hunt expert’ and ‘international sanctions breaching’ has officially overlapped. What a time to be alive.

My Da just told me he was struggling to find a local archery club to join. I told him I'd pull a few strings.

The Mrs was talking to me about Mounjaro and I honestly thought it was a National Trust estate.

The first poppy of the season. Not much of a looker but I couldn't care less. Always a joy for zero effort.

Not a bad way to spend the lunch break.

Will fix roofs for beer.

"You're 40 what would make you want to play DnD!?"

New pope is 69!? I ride a motorbike, that lad is gonna outlive me.

Sins forgiven, thirst quenched.

Uhhhhh what? I'm baking here.

We're posting lock screens #SpeirGorm

The man across the road—my unspoken rival—unleashed a scarifier, sanded, and reseeded his entire lawn today. Never before has an act of war been so blatant.

Gotta say the Irish passport renewal service is the pinnacle of efficiency. Just over 24 hours from online application to the thing being posted to me. Fair play to them. #speirgorm

Last years compost was slow going, but this year I think I've got the ratios right. Check out the steam coming off that bad boy.

Literally just discovered "succotash" is not only not a made up word, but it's one of the most delicious looking things I've ever seen.

After my old one froze up over winter, I treated myself to the most expensive metal hose spray gun in the shop. Life's just not worth dying rich with a dribbly stream.

Some nice photos from my dog walk at lunchtime.

His transformation is almost complete, soon he will return to his mar-a-lago ancestral home to divide himself and replicate.

Using one of my favourite synthesizer sounds for a hopeful forest level kinda vibe today 🌲🍂🍁🦌🐿️ Recognise it from anywhere?

I think my Sunday routine of coffee, gardeners world and watering all the houseplants is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. The orchids saved from homebase last year are the current joys.

Reposting these cool vessels simply because they all sound like they are items I'd collect in Elden Ring.

I wish I could go back to the good old days, when all I really had to worry about was how I was going to get Gwen Stefani in the "Don't Speak" video to marry me.

Thoughts and prayers please. Going from 5 days of wearing shorts and digging in the garden to wearing a suit and trying to remember what my job actually is.

The circle lawn project continues. Two thirds around sown with wildflower, some hostas, crocosmia, fern and an Acer planted on the other. I've left gaps for the seedlings I currently have under grow lamps indoors. Should hopefully pay off this summer.

Do you think he even had time to eat any of his Easter eggs?

I air-layered this Orange dream Acer and finally got it planted out yesterday. Look how nice the leaves look bathed in the light from my window.

Turns out all it takes is the pope to die to get me to post more than once every 6 months.

Usian Pope sounds like he could run really fast.

They just don't make them like they used to. Planned obsolescence.

It would feel insensitive for the Oblivion remaster to release today now.

As a reminder of the process now. Black smoke billowing from the cistine chapel indicates that the cardinals have not yet burned two thirds of the evidence needed to elect a Pope.

The Vatican has the chance to do the funniest thing and pronounce the cause of death as "Sofa related shock".

Anybody in the Vatican who was planning on burning some evidence today just missed their chance.

RIP Pope Francis. I'll make the Mrs take the toaster out of the cupboard as a mark of respect.