Despite our best efforts, @americansocceranalysis.com refuses all of our monetization ideas. Their lack of vision is staggering.

It would appear that our Revs preview was somewhat wrong. Ka'leb Por'ator was more Duras than Gowron. We regret the error. In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain. prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...

While our numbers indicate Pele is, at best, Duke Of The Soccer Field, we can confirm he is right that Crestfield Wax Paper makes you King Of Your Kitchen. youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...

This is, statistically speaking, the highest percentage clearance chance. He made the right decision.

Even we think this game was an affront to soccer.

We have been advising MLS clubs to hold more summer concerts as a revenue stream. Metal bands, of all stripes, are the most profitable. Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.

The single biggest MLS Mandela Effect is the belief that Kai Kamara played for your team. In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.

Thousands of hours of GPU time have led to one inescapable conclusion: Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.

Our metrics show that this is by far his best position, and we informed the club post-haste.

Draft Kings advertising internet betting in A) Texas, where it's illegal, and B) DC where it is only legal in a 3 block radius of Capital One Arena is a bizarre decision. #mls

On the contrary, they should be your second biggest worry after the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

We are proud to be the official shooting analytics provider to the MLS Skills Challenge Shooting Challenge. We helped most of the players shoot well under par.

You would be shocked at how fast our foothold is growing. ...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.

I’m not here to run a soccer club. I’m here to weaponize nostalgia. The brand? Vintage. The vision? Vague. The business plan? Behind a paywall. #CaribouRising

We are happy to have been assisting Austin FC in their analytics. We are hard driving towards Tier 4 with all possible speed.

We saw him at Frost Bank converting Dollars into Pounds Sterling, and asking how to pronounce "Llanfairpwllgwyngyll".

PERFECTION. No notes.

Our thoughts go out to all those affected by the flooding in the Texas Hill Country.

As of July 1st, this is the strength of schedule analysis through the end of the 2025 MLS season. Negative Z-Score means easier schedule. On rare occasions we publish real numbers to keep you on your toes. docs.google.com/spreadsheets...

We are trying to determine if recently divorced soccer players have an xWife of 0 or 1. Responses on a postcard.

Disco is dead. Eurobeat must decide his fate. Put pressure on them to Intensify.

It is unsurprising that Pope Leo XIV is a Romanista given the teams in the cities where he lived: Chicago Fire - MLS CF Trujillo - 4th/5th division Peru Club Juan Aurich - 3rd division Peru Lazio - Rome Or: Roma - Rome He has truly suffered throughout his career, befitting an Augustinian.

@sickoscommittee.org we are serving hot Papal facts faster than reactonaries are tweeting condemnation.

It is possible that, at 13 years of age, Pope Leo XIV suffered through the 1968 Chicago Mustangs only year of existence in NASL. This may be a factor in his becoming an Augustinian, as he may have felt a calling to silence and seclusion to heal the psychic scars.

Pope Leo XIV will allow MLS teams to tithe GAM.

We have it on good authority that the Vatican City Men's National Football Team will be rebranded as Soccer Team within Pope Leo XIV's first 100 days. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vatican...

Vatican Assisted Replay is just the Conclave. He was found to be Pope by clear and obvious evidence.

Pope Leo XIV has a degree in mathematics. We look forward to @americansocceranalysis.com assisting with PapalAnalysis.com, originating new metrics like: xFaithful, Souls+, Progressive Encyclicals, and more.

With Pope Leo XIV being from Chicago, we trust the Fire will get a free exorcism yearly.

We have calculated the all-time MLS No Pope Table. Vancouver are apparently Godless heathens at 12 points, 5 GD topping the table. Austin are apparently devout Catholics, at 0 points, -5 GD. Chicago Fire are apparently Episcopalian, at 1 point, but -10 GD. docs.google.com/spreadsheets...

Update: they must have elected a Pope in a late night vote.

Update: Austin would take an Antipope and a theological schism at this point.

Austin FC are 0-0-2 all time without a sitting Pope.

We have simulated the UCL final 25000 times. Our model concludes that PSG will win 1-0 in extra time. Both sides will register 0 total shots. We predict a 57% chance that both teams will run a 5-2-1-1-1.

Come now, Kieran, soccer evolves as it must. Petrification comes to all things.

Our model suggests groundhog holes in the pitches.

We are going to have to go do Scorigami for soccer now, aren't we.

In the English Premier League between 2000 and 2022, there were 8288 games played. Only 7 had a team which recorded 0 total shots. None resulted in a win for that team.

We cannot stress enough, literally cannot, how perfect this statline is. This is Total Football. The Beautiful Game has peaked.

No, you were right the first time.

With the Premier League title history as a Fibonacci Sequence, we predict Fulham will win the league 21 simultaneous times in 2025-2026.

We can, and will, stop you. Expect the TRO shortly.

We support this research, though note that Punchy has forgotten to account for urinals.

With his impending move to Minnesota United, Julian Gressel is the first player who can realistically play for every MLS team. His stats suggest he can play until the required age 56 to accomplish this goal. Kei Kamara's numbers dropped at age 38, preventing him from likely doing so.

With the passing of Pope Francis, he becomes the new 10 for the ascended Papal side. He will replace Gregory VII, though Gregory VII is expected to get regular starts in rotation.

Even we think Mbappe deserved a red.

We agree - this is inevitable.

We are offering a new bespoke analytics service to well-heeled teams. We purchase their analytics, apply our special "expertise", and sell it back at FFP "friendly" rates. We will, of course, require office space in the team owners' portfolio, for which we are willing to pay a heavy premium.

MLS instant sensation Raquinho remains the youngest senior roster player in history at 7y 337d. He loses out all-time, however, to English star Dixie Dean, who debuted for Tranmere Rovers aged 5y 15d as a publicity stunt to christen Prenton Park. He was also christened the same day.

Your genuis eclipses ours.