It’s fun to see this finally arrive. Coming October 14 - When Narcissism Comes to Church in Spanish. a.co/d/fVy1gVy

Happy Sunday.

What a gift to be teaching for a few days at the Young Life Good Way retreat. “Beauty will save the world.” -Dostoevsky

“If we desire peace, let us cultivate peace in ourselves and in our hearts.” - St Teresa of Avila The underbelly of a narcissistic culture (and it’s narcissistic leaders) is shame and fragility, as I’ve been saying for a long time. A nervous system in perpetual survival mode. 1/4

Even self-awareness itself seems to have become a commodity – marketed, platformed, and repackaged, sometimes fueling the same narcissism we sought to escape. (Some thoughts on how those of us who are helpers need to do our own work.) open.substack.com/pub/sitwithc...

When therapists like me tell someone, “Just use your voice” or “Just be yourself,” we may be unintentionally encouraging them to shift from flight into fight - or from one survival response into another. And that may set them up for further pain. 1/2

A prayer to center on dysregulating days: Calm me, O Lord (inhale) as You stilled the storm (exhale) Still me, O Lord (inhale) keep me from harm (exhale) Let all the tumult (inhale) within me cease (exhale) Enfold me, Lord (inhale) in Your peace (exhale) (an ancient Celtic prayer)

Pardon my handwritten reflection in two images, cobbled together. I sit with people in complicated grief every day. I sit with my own heart, as well. This is a letter to my heart – and maybe to yours as well, if you’ll receive it.

Once upon a time, I naively believed I could protect my kids from suffering. But suffering is inevitable. What matters most isn’t whether pain comes—it will—but whether we have to face it alone. Solitary suffering is what leaves the deepest wounds, even traumatic wounds.

“What is the value of great theological erudition or great pastoral adeptness or intense but fleeting mystical experience or social activism when there is not a well-formed heart to guide a well-formed life?” ~Henri Nouwen

This 4th century wisdom gives me a bit of hope amidst these days of deceit, delusion, and duplicity: “For the Lord touched all parts of creation, and freed and undeceived them all from every deceit.” — Athanasius of Alexandria

I relate.

I’m doing a 5 day soul care intensive again this week with a man in midlife - a journey with common threads for each of us who’ve navigated this passage, and yet wholly unique to each man.

I hit send - my manuscript on character is in the publisher’s hands now. I’ve been down this road a number of times before, but it’s always a vulnerable moment. And you invariably wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “I forgot to add this!“

Every five hundred years the empowered structures of institutionalized Christianity, whatever they may be at that time, become an intolerable carapace that must be shattered in order that renewal and new growth may occur.                                                              Phyllis Tickle

Just because it’s not sexual sin doesn’t mean it’s not moral failure. Or to put it more positively, moral integrity encompasses far more than sexual behavior - it involves how we show up, how we lead, how we receive feedback, how we use power, and so much more. open.substack.com/pub/sitwithchu…

Looking for a Sunday afternoon read? You can access my newest Healing What’s Within at a great Kindle sale price of $3.99 right now - but likely not for long. a.co/d/gSP34bQ

"Those who do not speak the words of God with humility must be advised that when they apply medicine to the sick, they must first inspect the poison of their own infection, or else by attempting to heal others, they kill themselves.” ― Pope Gregory I, The Book of Pastoral Rule, 590AD

A little poetic reflection as I write on character formation these days - amidst evolving narcissism.

Naming clergy harm didn't begin a decade ago. "Take heed to yourselves, lest your example contradict your doctrine, and lest you lay such stumbling blocks before the blind as may be the occasion of their ruin." (Richard Baxter, 1656)

"Loving humility is a terrible force." Here’s the context: “At some thoughts a man stands perplexed, above all at the sight of human sin, and he wonders whether to combat it by force or by humble love.

Have you noticed how the language of spiritual and emotional health has been co-opted. Might it be more helpful and substantial for us to talk less about health and more about the slow work of character change? Check out my latest Substack and offer thoughts. open.substack.com/pub/sitwithc...

"Divided among many loves, you are torn apart; you are restless everywhere, at peace nowhere. Gather yourself together in your true self. If anything outside you delights you, ask who is its maker." Augustine

Empathy: Nervous systems - wired for connection - begin to hum in harmony. Resonance circuits awaken, allowing us to carry within ourselves a living echo of the other’s inner world. We feel them, not just with our minds, but with the whole of our being. open.substack.com/pub/sitwithc...

Proud of Preston Hill and honored to join John Swinton in endorsing Christ and Trauma. Keep your eyes out for this one!

Is there a vision of transformation that can see us through the challenging seasons of a spiritual journey – even the disorientation, doubt, and despair that burdens us? www.chuckdegroat.net/wild-country...

This is Jesus’ military parade. This is how Christ became King. There is the way of the world. And there is the way of Jesus. There is the way of the Beast. And there is the way of the Lamb. Via @brianzahnd.bsky.social

What happens when character formation breaks down in church leadership? A podcast conversation with Steve Cuss: www.christianitytoday.com/podcasts/bei...

Why are so many people talking about nervous system regulation these days? When I was trained as a therapist more than 25 years ago, we didn’t have this language or training. So much has changed: open.substack.com/pub/sitwithc...

True authenticity isn’t self-expression for its own sake— It’s alignment with your inscape, your God-imprinted essence.

Men need apprenticeship into mature adulthood, but we're seeking out soundbytes from men on stages rather than in embodied relationships - in men whose scars are visible, whose vulnerability is palpable, whose strength emerges from weakness.

Another day, another fallen pastor, it seems - discovered to have run multiple anonymous social media accounts slandering others. People are already wondering how long it will take to write the apology, take a sabbatical, and come back with a book deal – a manifesto on grace and forgiveness.

Disconnection is a story as old as time – Adam and Eve, targeted by a gaslighting serpent, abandoning themselves in a search for an elusive satisfaction. How do you experience disconnection? 1/2

Many of us learn early in life to ignore our body’s cues, our soul’s cries. Even if we’re hurting, we don’t say ouch - and we sense we’re on our own. Let’s talk about acknowledging the ache and reconnecting. open.substack.com/pub/sitwithc...

Some say all this talk of “trauma“ is overblown. But trauma is Greek for “wound,“ and it’s the best word to name the primal wound of shame and disconnection that echoes from the ancient story of Eden lost. 1/2

Amidst the “heroic” comeback stories we so often hear about in the church among pastors who’ve harmed the flock, it’s good to remember Bonhoeffer’s words - cheap grace is the deadly enemy of our church.

I’m straining toward Hope these days, and finding some consolation in a Resurrection theology, in creation, in poetry, even in neurobiology: open.substack.com/pub/sitwithc...

Safety creates the conditions for meaningful life and work. When we feel unsafe, unduly pressured or even manipulated, workaholism may be a means of coping. And exhaustion is the result. Nouwen reminds us that safety is our deepest inheritance.

GROWING UP | Our most basic instincts are for survival and self-protection - good and important instincts to stay alive - but not sufficient for our ultimate growth. Our more mature development includes the capacity for connection, self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social virtue. 1/3

“What is the value of great theological erudition or great pastoral adeptness or intense but fleeting mystical experience or social activism when there is not a well-formed heart to guide a well-formed life?” ~Henri Nouwen

"The dark we're running from might just be the very place where we can find God, where we can discover reunion and reconnection, where we're made whole again." -- @chuckdegroat.bsky.social, 'Healing What's Within'

How has narcissism evolved in the last five years since When Narcissism Comes to Church? In at least fives ways: From Authority to Algorithm-Based From Hidden to Performative From Apathy-in-Action to Empathy-Under-Attack From Anxious to Emboldened From High Bars to Heroic Comebacks 1/2

Happy 5 year anniversary to #WhenNarcissismComesToChurch Thanks to all of you who’ve read it and shared it with others. I’m so grateful it’s been helpful.

The work of justice is incomplete without the work of healing. Dismantling systems is necessary, but if we don’t also dismantle the fear and resentment within ourselves, we just recreate the same patterns with new names. Real transformation starts from the inside out. #HealingWhatsWithin

"Your soul doesn't respond well to coercion, confrontation, demands, fixing, rushing, tinkering, analyzing, and mastering. You were slow-cooked in your mother's womb; your body and soul formed to respond to presence, connection, safety, and attunement." -- @chuckdegroat.bsky.social

Hello Portland. First stop, Powell’s Books. Grabbed a signed copy of a new Yung Pueblo book. How To Love Better. Feels about right at this precarious stage in world history.

“To be human in an aching world is to know our dignity and become people who safeguard the dignity of everything around us.” -Cole Arthur Riley, This Here Flesh