Using a remote to type on a keyboard on the TV is truly one of the worst human experiences that we endure.

Man, some of these NFL guys are like really really good at football.

A blowjob without swallowing is like a birthday cake without candles.

Either the tables are going to turn or I’m going to flip them.

I love people who put their phone away when you start talking to them.

People hate apple juice for attention.

I wish just once there’d be a press event where a person walks on stage, says hello, here’s our new gadget, it costs this much and will be out on this day. Thank you for coming.

One time I refused to buy a watch because it was only waterproof to 100 meters. Not sure what sort of future I was imagining for myself there.

I hate when people say “you act like you don’t care.” Bro I’m not acting.

I’m trying to stop shitting on things that bring other people joy. Even when those things are awful, like the music of Taylor Swift.

I hate people who can fall asleep as soon as they close their eyes. That shit takes me 3 hours, 100 position changes and a sacrifice to the gods.

Using a remote to type on a keyboard on the TV is truly one of the worst human experiences that we endure.

I might be annoying but at least my lock screen isn’t a selfie.

Every time you jerk off, you’re getting a hand job from a dude.

Why do people never gossip about how you helped them?

I love pride month but I definitely want months for other emotions too. Scared month, jealousy month, kinda tired and cranky month, etc.

I want whatever the people who run at 6am have.