Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked.

A girl once asked me what my heart desired, apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers

My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

Someone asked me, what's the ninth letter of the alphabet? It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.

What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig

Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.

What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes? Douglas.

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep? A bah-humbug.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.

What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic, they said: go ahead, knock yourself out.

Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks...... "Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?"

An apple a day keeps the bullies away. If you throw it hard enough.

The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.

What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes? Douglas.

Child: Dad, make me a sandwich. Dad: Poof! You're a sandwich.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!

How do you make a water bed more bouncy. You use Spring Water

I'll tell you what often gets over looked... garden fences.

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.

Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything"

Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria.

What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.

Q: What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? A: Pasta la vista, baby!

What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us.

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic? Ian.

Whiteboards ... are remarkable.

Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships? So they could Scandinavian.

What don't watermelons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep? A bah-humbug.

Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper? So you feel write at home.

In the news a courtroom artist was arrested today, I'm not surprised, he always seemed sketchy.

What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two...

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition