A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".

What do you call a careful wolf? Aware wolf.

Dermatologists are always in a hurry. They spend all day making rash decisions.

Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

You know what they say about cliffhangers...

“My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell?” “Awful”

What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.

How do the trees get on the internet? They log on.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.

What do you do when your bunny gets wet? You get your hare dryer.

Why is there always a gate around cemeteries? Because people are always dying to get in.

How do the trees get on the internet? They log on.

Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank

Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!

My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap..

Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!

Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

Don't tell secrets in corn fields. Too many ears around.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted

They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people, but that is just a ballpark figure.

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

I have the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

Man, I really love my furniture... me and my recliner go way back.

Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

I was shocked when I was diagnosed as colorblind... It came out of the purple.

I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I just broke my guitar. It's okay, I won't fret

At the boxing match, the dad got into the popcorn line and the line for hot dogs, but he wanted to stay out of the punchline.

My son is studying to be a surgeon, I just hope he makes the cut.

I been watching a channel on TV that is strictly just about origami — of course it is paper-view.

A magician was driving down the street and then he turned into a driveway.

Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house

I boiled a funny bone last night and had a laughing stock

I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!

I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once... It was Everlong...

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A girl once asked me what my heart desired, apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers

What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.

What do bees do after they are married? They go on a honeymoon.