I’m really starting to regret naming my daughter Ghislaine.

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is not a 4th of July movie!

My cousin joined the Marines because he wanted to see the Westfield Century City Mall.

Coverage of the LA protests has preempted “Eva Longoria: Searching For Spain” on CNN and I am PISSED.

Happy May The 5th Element!

My daughter just told me she's been so inspired this week and when she grows up she wants to sue a convent of nuns and I think I accidentally sent her the wrong Katy Perry article.

I don’t know why Donald Trump thinks this situation will just work itself out just because every other situation he’s ever been in has just worked itself out.

Look am I happy I'm losing my life savings? Of course not. But that dumb-as-rocks con man told me immigrants were eating dogs and cats, so what did you want me to do, huh?

Find yourself someone who loves you as much as SNL loves SNL.

Wow Trump just traded Luka Dončić to the Lakers.

I kinda miss when Trump just played golf on Saturday.

Trump just put a 40% tariff on all French musicals sung in Spanish.

I miss Biden.

I hope Trump goes after the Interstate Highway System next. I'm sick and tired of unappreciative Americans using them to go to and fro all willy nilly.

I'm really starting to regret naming my dog Justin Barkdoni.

I for one support Donald Trump’s mandate to run this country into the ground.

From watching so much Hell’s Kitchen I really thought risotto was going to be a bigger part of my life.

Every time I check back in on Twitter.

I got a speeding ticket on January 6th 2021 if Trump wants to broaden the pardons a bit.

Trump needs to realize taking Greenland and Canada to get the 5 cards every turn for North America is tempting, but then you leave yourself open to attack from Kamchatka.

The CNN New Year’s Eve broadcast is perfect if you enjoy watching other people take selfies.

Can’t believe they made a whole movie about the guy who did The Watchmen opening credits song.

Can’t decide if my favorite Chicago resident who created a house of horrors to torture his victims was H.H. Holmes or Kevin McCallister.

Just showed my daughter The Lion King for the first time and she enjoyed it but had a lot of questions about how Mufasa rose to power.

Oh so when the MCU assembles a team of criminal supervillains people are excited but when Trump does it everyone loses their minds.

So is there like a second song in Wicked?