Lovebomb this, lovebomb that. Listen up ladies, lovebombing sounds fun until you realise it doesn't involve actual bombing of government infrastructure 😤

I moved 5 couches, a mattress, bed frame and two coffee tables in and out of my apartment without a sweat. I have muscles on muscles. I am fucking Luisa Madrigal (she is my girlfriend).

Average rizz attempt in my DMs.

Stop holding in that fart princess, you’re not with him anymore.

Ooh notice me notice me notice me get followers get followers get followers 😵‍💫😵‍💫

What if we kissed in the lesbian IKEA demo room 👉👈

Australians, it’s simple. KFC is just pathetic, virgin fatty slop for people who don't know any better. It's a cowardly imitation of proper fried chicken. Red Rooster is the Chad superior choice. It's peak; strong, dignified, and it doesn't need to hide its taste behind greasy batter.

Found my boyfriend whispering in Spanish late last night. He swore it was just an "international phone call." The final straw was finding his Google history: "How do I get her to notice me?" No, not me. How to get ChatGPT to “notice” him. My love rival is an AI, and I've officially lost my mind.

My boyfriend keeps meowing at me. I thought I was the one who was supposed to be meowing at high profile men with sultry bedroom eyes in exchange for state secrets.

“I don’t care who the IRS sends, I am not paying my taxes!” and other lies you tell yourself when you get your first government issued girlfriend in the post (she will make you file your taxes).

The new guy at work is so peggable 🫦

Hey boy, are your pants on sale? Because I’d like them 100% off 😘

*seductively lays on the table* 😘 heyyy bab- *table seductively snaps in half*

I thought this gig would be all romantic candlelit dinners and fulfilling my civic duty, but it turns out even a government issued girlfriend has to figure out who's going to fold the clean laundry and schedule the annual dentist checkup. Where's the official handbook for this nonsense?

DON’T FORGET‼️ to GET DAD 👴🏾👴🏻the OFFICIAL CALL OF DUTY 🔫🫡 PERFUME 💖💖 AND TACTICAL BODY SCRUB 🧼 THIS FATHER’S DAY!!1

NOTHING BEATS A JET2 HOLIDAY ✈️🤩 AND RIGHT NOW 💥💥💥💥 I’M POUNDING YOUR MOM 🤯🤯 AND MAKING A FAMILY OF FOUR 🥳🥳😎😎

This gf stands against injustice. I just did an “EXCUSE ME HE ORDERED A MEDIUM VANILLA COKE” at Maccies.

Oooh 😵‍💫😵‍💫 become a femboy become a femboy become a femboy 😵‍💫😵‍💫 lemme peg lemme peg

“I can fix her” bro no, counter offer, I can make us much, much worse.

🥱

Antidepressant fell down the sink instead of falling into my stomach. Guess I’m going crazy today 🫠

Please do not fall for the “March for Australia” rhetoric this coming August 31st. It is thinly veiled racism and a far right dog whistle from the usual suspects. I think we are far better and smarter than that! #australia

(x.com/ao_garasi12)

Wow, the Libs really want to lose the next election.

Third interaction of the morning Me: “here’s your pain meds honey, hope that toe feels better soon” Creep: “thanks babe, every time my toe stops hurting I’ll be thinking of you 😘” Me: *nervous laughter* umm.. thanks? 🤨🤨🤨 WAY TOO EARLY FOR THIS SHIT MEN WHY ARE MEN LIKE THIS DO NOT DO THIS 🤨🤨🤨

Me: wakes up Brain: you fool. you absolute buffoon. you fell for one of the classic blunders

I am now on Threads. Please follow me there too! 💖

It is 2025. You live a modest lower middle class life as an educated professional. You have two young children that excel at school and are popular. You are divorced but have repartnered with a dark, charming man from a foreign land that hangs on your every word. You are poor but happy. You are me 💖

If you’re scrolling right now and you see this post, just say hi. You don’t have to follow, and you don’t have to like the post, but if you say hi to me it’ll make my day better <3

wdym “dom or sub” it’s sub or dub learn your anime loser

The song #Birdbrain isn't about being an airhead, or overwhelming insecurity and self doubt, loneliness. feeling out of place, absurdity, unfulfilled potential, or a desperate plea for validation, no no, it‘s the emotional chicken dance for gay autistic depressed millenials. Thoughts @jamies.page?

Excuse me, I was promised Epstein files. Where are the Epstein Files?

I have had an extraordinarily shit week so far. Your girlfriend could really do with a cuddle and a headpat!

I'm pretty sure my brain is just a small, empty room where one tiny lightbulb keeps flickering on and off. The only thing I can hear is the faint echo of a tambourine and my own footsteps. Is anyone else living in a haunted thought-palace, or is it just me? Asking for... well, you know.

The real estate agent is pretending not to notice the water stain on the ceiling that looks exactly like a sad face. I’m pretending not to notice that she's pretending not to notice. We are two professionals working to make sure a third person is deeply disappointed with their next life choice.

Discussing a recent grisly homicide in server and I get hit with this 😖

Waiting patiently to do this again.. 💖

Paying real money to change your cringey gamertag from 10 years ago is the most ass digital tax.

I must be Regigas because I’m a tall fat bitch that’s having a slow start this morning.

Do they make Ozempic for fat cats yet?

Yancha Gal no Anjou-san (comick.io/comic/BU__Zm75)

God I fucking hate working at the cannabis dispensary. The customers are ass, the vibes are ass, and the stank of weed gives me a perpetual headache and makes me feel like I’m stupid.

My boss said I was cute in my work uniform today, so I got that going for me which is nice.

I don’t get all the grammatical confusion around Spanish. Say I’m at the pub, who cares if a beer is masculine or feminine. Un cerveza? Una cerveza? No, quiero cinco cervezas por favor 🍻