Thinking this was a coincidence I asked my 6 year old who that guy is. "he's the first person in the US to successfully hijack a plane without being caught". Yeah um ok that's right why is he sucking your sister's foot??

My kids are scream playing something where "DB Cooper needs to suck my toe or DB Cooper is evil!!!" What on earth, guys.

New hat, who dis?

Malkovich. Malkovich. Malkovich. Malkovich. Malkovich? Malkovich!

My daughter received two identical plastic fish at Pride and named them Gail and Fish 2. I'm sorry, that is hilarious.

Tfw the vyvanse and the coffee finally hit on a yawning kind of morning.

It's taken me two weeks to realize the bubbly little noise Teams makes is an incoming call. It doesn't even have "telephone sound" as a potential call notification? This is my Waterloo.

Six year old, playing in a creek: "this reminds me of childhood!"

DA POPE doing it again. You love to see it.

"My sister dragged me into the bedroom and forced me to look at her butt! She called it the Booty 9000!" "Did that actually happen?" "No 😞"

Cannot make myself remember it's Power BEE EYE and not Power Bi. We need more Microsoft products sitting weird in denim jackets.

3D printer street vendor's plastic garbage 👉👈 my children's allowance

Today I received a 3 act play about a seal that goes to outer space, 10 drawings, a diorama of a frog, a small (2 inch) clay bench, a homemade "squishy turtle shell" and a great deal of markers. Life is not easy but life is good.

"From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says, “Disarm, disarm! The sword is not the balance of justice.” Blood does not wipe out dishonor nor violence indicate possession." Shoutout to Julia Ward Howe, OG Mother's Day proponent.

Especially loving my nails this week.

If you're going to make yourself a golden idol, why have you chosen to do it in a wrinkly, ill-fitting suit. I'd make myself so hot if I was a golden idol.

I am in this tweet.

At a concert tapping people on the back asking them where they got the nerve to be so tall.

Anyone know a good Kitchenaid exorcist?

My therapist and I had a little girly scream over Chonkers this week, heart warming.

Cargo shorts for Mother's Day.

"You need to put a collar on me and then tug me off!" My children say the darnedest things. [she was pretending to be a baby seal]

Making fresh pasta as a snack like a pro.

Fuck me, what is goin on with gas this week? Everything was on fire for the last month but it's suddenly up like $.45?

If you saw someone wearing wedding/engagement rings on their middle finger, would you assume anything weird about it? My rings don't fit anymore but I'm not interested in the $$ to resize anything rn.

My daughter described ska as "music from an orchestra that has no idea what they're doing" and I immediately thought of @nofuneral.bsky.social.

Every time I see someone desperately looking to purchase Needoh I wonder how many labubus they have slowly rotting on a shelf.

Inside of you are two shorties. One has got those apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur. One has got the baggy sweatpants and the Reeboks with the straps.

Is there better advice for an 8 year old that's being teased on the bus than to tell them they're idiots and should shut up? Because they are idiots who need to shut up. Neighbor kid is unsightly, mean and stupid. Doesn't have much of a future ahead of him at this rate.

Today the vyvanse says it's time for POSTING.

Why is my son's bed completely covered in blood smears?? Both kids are completely without injury. One must assume some kind of sleep nosebleed but argh! The laundry!

Shout out to my rough grey curly hair that grows right behind my ear. Permanent sensory toy.

Come and color the ₵ØⱫɎ ØⱤ₱Ⱨ₳₦₳₲Ɇ

Love is having a partner who gets you're not being *controlling*, you just need to know every possible detail about stuff before a fully logical decision can be reached.

I'm getting really into chemical exfoliation lately. Feeling smoooooth. Also feeling anxious but we're not talking about that one at the moment. Who's got great OTC skincare?

"Babe you look engrossed in thought, what's up?" "I'm thinking about a medicine called Pain-Quil that has a hammer on the bottle."

I really love the little tracker from our local library that counts the value of each checked out book. Highly satisfying.

I'm cute and have anxiety, who up?

Maybe it will happen today.

Cozy Accidentally Penis coloring book recalled from Amazon amid marker-related uproar.

I'm a single issue voter for the next 10 years and it's oh! oh! jail for everyone! jail everyone for One Thousand Years!

Something extra special about someone sending a job rejection on Easter Sunday. Working overtime at the not hiring Narci factory.

We are stuck in the stupidest possible timeline.

Went to a new joint that had flashing menus that displayed items for literally two seconds apiece. Practically ruined my whole meal, y'all. The meal Was Very Good.

Somehow shocked to find loyalty test questions in an application to do grunt admin work in the federal food and nutrition office.

It's a bad sign that the entire website for the nuclear naval program keeps crashing, huh?

Please just let me get a job before the economy craters. Or like, NYC craters.

Logged in for the first time in a few days, oh god, it's so bad. It was so bad and now it's so badder.

This week my mantra comes from Simon & Garfunkel: I get the news I need on the weather report Oh, I can gather all the news I need on the weather report

Me, describing feeling like I've had too much caffeine on an empty stomach to my kid, when I haven't actually done that. She says that's how she feels when she's really tired. Oh, yeah that's right. That's the name of what I'm feeling. Thanks for that one. Interoception kween.