14 hours in A&E after getting covered in camouflage paint and I still haven’t been seen. 😗🏥🙂

Turn your fone upside down

When you are stressed, you eat cakes, chocolates, and sweets. Why? Because 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

I was in Tesco this morning when a man started to throw cheese, butter, and yogurt at me. How dairy! 🧀🥴

The teacher asked Little Johnny, “Name ten animals from Africa.” He said: “Nine elephants, and a giraffe.” 👦🐘🎓🦒👩‍🏫

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked. 🌹😧🌼

I got unfairly sacked for putting petrol in the company car instead of diesel. I think it was wrongfuel dismissal. 🚙😗⛽️

A blonde was mowing the lawn in her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Tesco! Why Tesco?? HELLOOOOOOOOO! Tesco is the largest re-tailer in the UK!!. 😗👱‍♀️😁

My window cleaner knocked at the door this morning, shouting and swearing! I thought: Blimey, he's lost his rag! 😉🪟🤭

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought: ‘The streets are strangely desserted tonight’. 🍨🍧🍥😉🤔😗😋🙂🍰🧁🎂

So I rang my local garage today.. I said: "I've got a hole in my Volkswagen." He said: "What model is it?" I said: "It's a Polo. 🚗👨‍🔧😗🙂😁😆🤦🏻‍♂️⚙️🚘

I told the waitress that my steak was bad. So she picked it up, slapped it a couple of times, put it down and said "just let me know if it gives you anymore trouble honey" 🙋‍♀️😗🥩😉😁

A mother nicknamed her daughter 12. She dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen do anything. 💁‍♀️👧🤗

“Honey, have you seen our new dog whistle?” “No, but I’ve seen him bark.” 😊🐕🤦‍♀️

Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached. 🙂🎸🙃

August bank holiday today. Going fishing with couple of mates.. Rod and Annette. 👨🐟🐡😊🐠🎣👩

Today at the cemetery, I saw 4 men carrying a coffin… just walking round and round in circles. ⭕⚰️ Three hours later, they were STILL at it with the same coffin. That’s when I thought to myself… they've definitely lost the plot. 🤦‍♂️😂

I wish people wouldn’t go on about their phobias, I have a fear of heights but I don’t go shouting about it from the rooftops! 😗😉🤗

So I went to a bed shop to buy a mattress. “Would you like a spring one?" asked the assistant. I said, "Well, I was hoping for one I could use all year." 🌼☀️🛌🤗🛏️🍂❄️

2 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repairs. I’ve heard nothing since. 🧏‍♂️

My girlfriend just fainted on the luggage carousel at the airport! 🛄 She's OK, though - she's coming round slowly. 🧳😗🙂🤗🤦‍♀️

Wonder how many sit ups its done 😆😀😆

Went to the doctors this afternoon and he said: “Can we talk about your weight". I said: “Yes, it was about 40 minutes, but the chairs were very comfortable" 🩺🙂👨‍⚕️