When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children… Just like the bottle says. 🙆‍♀️💊😗👦🧒👧🤗💊🤦‍♀️

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face. . Chinda Ghudanpropur has denied all charges .

I just found a pen at work. It must have been mine anyway because when I tried it, it was my hand writing. 📆📈🤦🏻‍♂️✍️😁🙆‍♀️🗄️📋

I was just checking my home insurance policy and discovered that if someone takes my blanket in the middle of the night, I’m not covered. 🙆‍♀️🏠😗🛏️🤦‍♀️

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in. 😗📦🙂

Next door's baby was crying really loud at 4 o'clock this morning. I couldn't hear myself drill... 🙆‍♀️😗👶🤗🤦🏻‍♂️

I bought one of those 'Smart' light switches, but it was too clever for me. So, I exchanged it for a 'Dimmer' switch. 😗🎚️🤦‍♀️

Some thieving bastard has stolen my wife's underwear from the washing line 😡 whoever it is, you can keep the underwear, I just want the 30 pegs back!

The man who took British Airways to court over his missing luggage, has lost his case! 🙆‍♀️🧳✈️🙂🛬🛄🤦‍♀️

My neighbour accused me of throwing 20 black bin liners in her garden... I said: "That's rubbish". 🙆‍♀️🏡🗑️🤗🚮🏠🤦🏻‍♂️

Last night I said, in my sleep, "I love them scrambled!" But later I shouted, "no - actually I prefer them poached!" I went from one eggs dream to another. 🍳😁🥚

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" 🛫🛄🎒😗😐🙄🧳🛅🛬

If anyone wants a new chimney I've got one. No charge, it's on the house…

Bought some telescopic ladders gonna take them back … can’t see a thing with them

So I went into hardware store this afternoon and asked for some nails. The assistant asked: "How long do you want them?” I said: “I want to keep them”. 🏬💁‍♀️😗🙆‍♀️🙄🤦‍♀️🤗🛒

Took my goldfish to the vets today.. Vet: “What's the matter with him”? Me: “He has trouble breathing” Vet: “Looks ok to me” Me: “I haven't took him out of the bowl yet”! 🩺👨‍⚕️🐡😗🏥🙆🏻‍♂️🩻

I got a job working as a cuckoo in a huge cuckoo clock. It's pretty boring, but at least it gets me out of the house! 🏡🙆‍♀️😗🕰️🙂🤦🏻‍♂️🐦

My relatives are all qualified police marksman apart from my Grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently surounded by all his family. 🙆‍♀️👮👮‍♀️👴👮‍♂️👮🤦🏻‍♂️

A pizza shop worker has been found dead. Weirdly his body was found covered with neatly arranged slices of ham and pineapple on it. However the police insist he "topped himself."

My mate hates it when someone make jokes about his weight. I told him that he needs to lighten up. 🤦‍♀️😗😁🤗🙆🏻‍♂️

I was rudely awoken with a bad hangover by my neighbour mowing his lawn this morning. I was going to get up and have words with him but I was too tired, so I decided he could mow around me instead. 🏡🙆‍♀️😁🤦🏻‍♂️🏠

This morning I saw this fella dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. 🙆‍♀️😙😉🙄😆🤦🏻‍♂️

So I went down to the local supermarket today and I said: "I want to make a complaint - this vinegar's got lumps in it." The lady said: “Those are pickled onions". 😙😉🙄😑😬🫠

Lady: "Is this my train?" Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company." Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean can I take this train to London Bridge." Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy”. 🙆‍♀️😁🚇😆🤦‍♀️

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not. I'm calling it: “Jehovah's Fitness" 🏋️‍♀️💪😗🙂😁🤸‍♀️👟

This fella stole a joint of beef from Tesco this morning and as he dashed out the security guard shouted: “Oii.. what are you doing with that?” The man shouted back: “Roast spuds, Yorkshire pudding and carrots!!” 🙆‍♀️😉🥔🥩🥕😋🤦🏻‍♂️

I told a smoker that cigarettes are bad for his lungs. He asked what the point of dying with healthy lungs would be.

I couldn’t sleep until I got done sanding my chess pieces, so I stayed up 48 hours straight making them smooth. I had a couple rough knights. ♟️😵‍💫♟️

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a box of Kleenex, but the doctor said it's only tissue damage. 👨‍⚕️🤤🩻