14 hours in A&E after getting covered in camouflage paint and I still haven’t been seen. 😗🏥🙂

Turn your fone upside down

When you are stressed, you eat cakes, chocolates, and sweets. Why? Because 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

I was in Tesco this morning when a man started to throw cheese, butter, and yogurt at me. How dairy! 🧀🥴

The teacher asked Little Johnny, “Name ten animals from Africa.” He said: “Nine elephants, and a giraffe.” 👦🐘🎓🦒👩‍🏫

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked. 🌹😧🌼

I got unfairly sacked for putting petrol in the company car instead of diesel. I think it was wrongfuel dismissal. 🚙😗⛽️

A blonde was mowing the lawn in her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Tesco! Why Tesco?? HELLOOOOOOOOO! Tesco is the largest re-tailer in the UK!!. 😗👱‍♀️😁

My window cleaner knocked at the door this morning, shouting and swearing! I thought: Blimey, he's lost his rag! 😉🪟🤭

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought: ‘The streets are strangely desserted tonight’. 🍨🍧🍥😉🤔😗😋🙂🍰🧁🎂

So I rang my local garage today.. I said: "I've got a hole in my Volkswagen." He said: "What model is it?" I said: "It's a Polo. 🚗👨‍🔧😗🙂😁😆🤦🏻‍♂️⚙️🚘