I splashed out, purchased something that I didn't need. I had an enjoyable few hrs playing with it but ultimately was unsatisfied. Requested a return & it's gone back, refund just hit my account. Got to be honest, the endorphin hit from returning was wonderful. No! It's not a butt plug!!!

The shit they used to meet us read when we were kids. Struwwelpeter

What the fuck is that? It's a bench Lucy. Don't patronise me, you fleshy prick!

It's Paddy McGuiness trying to make 'booking' sound like 'fucking'

Musk's new robot army is starting to take shape.

Roasties AND a stunning chicken casserole. Yes, I'm a disgrace.

Well I'm definitely one year older, I've been craving Werthers Originals since 3am and my winkie is largely non-functional. Also, I keep calling my dingle-dongle a 'winky'

I'm 56 years old in 25 mins What a bag of shit.

Am I doing this right?

I do love playing the bad guy. 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑷𝒓𝒐𝒅𝒖𝒄𝒆𝒓𝒔 📅 14th - 17th May 2025 📌 Stourbridge Town Hall 🎟 www.seaty.co.uk/producers 𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘶𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘹𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴.

Stepdaughter (22,) has come home from her boyfriends with a lovely bite. I dealt with it in an entirely adult way... "HA HA HA LOOK WHO'S GOT DIRTY LOVE SUCK!!!"

Raymond! Is there no end to your depravity?

I am SICK to death of people who write self-help books wanking on about changing your life and being successful who are white & good-looking. Stick your privilege up your arse, I want to hear from people who have genuinely struggled.

People who pay extra for priority boarding are massive wankers. Pass it on.

This dog is starting to get too comfy...

Sorry fat boy, you ain't gettin' to no bathroom anymore.

I rather stupidly deleted my BS account and I've now lost all idea of who I used to follow on the old place. Please suggest lovely people from Shitter that I may have missed. Xx

Constantly upstaging me. Furry shit. #doggos

All hail BAG LORD!

Post a picture of your favourite mug. #mugshot

That doesn't sound like something my dad would would say. I may need to alert the authorities.

I wish it was easier to fart in people's faces. It seems unfair that there has to be some level of organisation to it, or the ability to be anally spontaneous.

Wait. That Friends Reunited thing is REAL! (Watches trailer) ...and not funny!

My lovely friend Nat had a nasty fall over the weekend and is feeling pretty fed up after discovering she had a fractured shoulder. She asked me to make her a playlist of upbeat, happy songs. Please avail yourself of it if you are experiencing the Tuesday blues. X open.spotify.com/playlist/5tK...

There's a good chance I'm going to tell someone to 'fuck off' today.

Do you think anyone has ever scrolled to the end of Instagram?

Pick a selfie and turn it B&W

Walking the doggles this morning you can feel that Spring is in the air. I feel the gloom lifting every single day.

You know you've spent too long on your phone when your little finger has a charger groove in it.

Me - "Look Lucy, you need a walk and I need some exercise so shall we just go? Now?" Lucy - "fuck....off!"

Oh my word, my sticky chicken with rice was out of this world last night. I'm getting quite good at this.

Didn't know what to expect with this. It's been a long time since a TV surprised me. Highly recommended.

If you see this, post a pic from your device without explanation.

Body: Hey Raymond. Have you eaten red meat or drank alcohol lately? Me: Nope Body: Too bad fuckface, have some gout in your bastard ankle Me: I hate you

I feel seen...

Good to see that John is clearly feeling remorseful for his previous behaviour...

Tried to buy tickets to see The Scissor Sisters. Checked price. . . . . Looking for tickets to see The Clipper Brothers.

Bit late on this but Shrinking is wonderful. Highly recommended.

A squirrel just farted...

And don't forget, when all is said and done, the most important thing to remember is that Rip Torn CHOSE that name. He could have called himself Donny Undercarriage but he choose Rip Torn. Ledge

I normally find 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown a bit annoying but the animated puppet sex clip in tonight's episode was so wonderfully, joyfully, filthy funny that I nearly had a wee accident... And not in the Scottish sense. #burnsnight

Oh you bet I'm enjoying singing along to this on the morning commute

Managed to throw this together last night and it was, to quote Archbishop Desmond TuTu, 'fucking lush'

Taking this mutt into work today. This could be... Interesting.