The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.

Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.

Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person? All this time, I thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

Camping is intense.

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.

What is the best way to carve? Whittle by whittle.

Where do owls go to buy their baby clothes? The owlet malls.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.

I was shocked when I was diagnosed as colorblind... It came out of the purple.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?"

Whiteboards ... are remarkable.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.

How do the trees get on the internet? They log on.

Why did the feline fail the lie detector test? Because he be lion.

Archaeology really is a career in ruins.

People saying 'boo! to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year.... That's a frightening statistic.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

I’ll tell you something about German sausages, they’re the wurst

What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

When will the little snake arrive? I don't know but he won't be long...

I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.

Which is the fastest growing city in the world? Dublin'

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1

Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station.

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours. They decided to call it a day.

Whats a penguins favorite relative? Aunt Arctica.

I met this girl on a dating site and, I don't know, we just clicked.

Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

What did Michael Jackson name his denim store? Billy Jeans!

What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.

Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

I was going to learn how to juggle, but I didn't have the balls.

Why doesn't the Chimney-Sweep call out sick from work? Because he's used to working with a flue.

What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

‘Put the cat out’ … ‘I didn’t realize it was on fire

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the cashier keeps putting it back.

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic? Ian.

I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...the sails are going through the roof

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

You know what they say about cliffhangers...