just lovely, @carolynmichelle.bsky.social

I don't really believe in hell in any genuine moral sense until I start looking at some of the first messages I've sent on Hinge

Thanks to the encouragement of @dasmirts.bsky.social I have decided to start posting more development-related material here instead of just pointless personal updates... New animation framework for the notebook... zzz... #gamemaker

Unfortunately I found Weapons really underwhelming, in an almost identical fashion to how I felt about Longlegs. Really solid technical work and superlative promo work in service of a remarkably uneventful plot whose horror elements feel largely superfluous. Sad…

Some random drunk girl gave me her Geek Bar on the train after I somehow managed to impossible-check convince her that cigarettes are the superlative form of nicotine abuse and I took a hit of that shit just now and I am now convinced 100% that this shit is magnitudes worse than cigarettes ever were

Trico blobform phenotype

Everything new is a little bit bad

About to juice up

Zzz type day… me too…

Looking for volunteers in the NY tri-state area to hit the back-to-back Tom Cruise filmography marathon with me at the MoMI next month / liberate me from the unending Hinge grind of trying to cold convince strangers that I am uninterested in sex I just want to watch Tom Cruise on the big screen

All the problems in my life could be solved immediately if I could surgically excise the things that make me Me from the rest of me

Made the mistake of looking up Mamdani’s wife.

The only problem with having a very fun and life-affirming evening out with some lovely company is that I am not back home pulling 1-6 back to back rounds in hardstuck Copper V matches with my boys (living life like I’m giving up on first hook)

Ripping an ice cold Banquet at high noon on a torpid summer day has got to be a top 5 feeling ever (decades of precisely-engineered focus-grouped targeted advertising have cooked my brain and rendered me incapable of original sensory experiences)

Average Bloomsday activities of stumbling around the city drunk off High Lifes, contemplating the scatological, falling short of Christ, failing to understand why my relationship failed, buying a can of Pringles, psychosexual collapse on the beach, slipping into a spiral of inconsolable sadness...

"I couldn't get my shit out anyway, I hope you die, Aria"

Bro. Why is every single one of the Hot POCKETS in this 12-pack missing the POCKET? Individually plastic wrapped but no POCKETS? Is this a manufacturing defect or a cosmic farce? Why do I even bother to try new things anymore when I can't even trust the old things? "Hot Pocket"... what a joke...

Making video games is actually not so bad and can actually be pretty enjoyable and life-affirming, unless you have for whatever inconceivable reason decided to invest your entire sense of self-esteem and worth in your ability to deliver a minimally-viable published product. Or something like that...

Two days of not working on my game and self-awareness comes to me suddenly, starkly as I find myself sitting here at 1:30am on a Thursday night completely naked and disoriented firing up Siege as if my prefrontal cortex was still in the throes of its nascence and I was still on my parents' insurance

"working"

I forgive everyone who has caused me pain

Being alive actually rules some nights

I went to a poetry festival this weekend and while I don't think I really connect with poetry yet, I was deeply moved by the possibility that there are still spaces in this world in which I'm not only not fundamentally worthless, but am able to be honest to myself about what I like and care about.

When did it become normalised for girls on Hinge to just openly start hating on Helen Keller and more importantly why do I live in a reality in which any of these words were allowed to coalesce into something coherently representing an actual repeated lived experience

Mid day banquet for kings

I’ve been terribly depressed lately and feeling like I have little agency in the world but tonight I dragged myself into the city to see Mission Impossible and while I am still mad depressed, I feel like I believe in the triumph of human agency again, and I think this is the point of art

At this point Rolling Rock deserves a special mention in the credits of My Work Is Not Yet Done for almost singlehandedly daily carrying me for the past three years or so

Every day it seems like I wake up to some variation of "You seem like a really great guy but" or "Thank you for your interest in this position" and damn, I know people always say not to take this shit personally, but as the common denominator in all of these, it's starting to feel kinda personal

Tom "The Living Manifestation of Destiny" Cruise has once again intervened in history to influence a compromise between NJ Transit and the Brotherhood of Locomotive Engineers so that I will not have to endure 3hrs of bus swaps to see Mission Impossible - The Final Reckoning in IMAX, thanks be to God

One beer drank cold and fast enough on an empty enough stomach and I feel like I am capable of anything and I can talk to anyone… Perhaps this is the end of sadness…

I often think I hate things. But the truth is, I don’t. I just feel crowded a lot, and I struggle with that feeling. When I’m able to engage with things independently of any external voices though, I find that actually, most things in this world are quite interesting and pleasing in their own ways.

For better or worse, the Oblivion remake looks pretty much exactly like those “Skyrim with NEXT-GEN GRAPHICS 2024 - KILLER ENB” videos. I’m sure it’ll do well on that measure alone…

I've been struggling a lot lately to justify continuing to work on games. I think it's what I actually like doing more than anything else, but I don't think I have a future in it anymore. There's no money in it, and more importantly, I'm critically incapable of separating my self from the labour.

A milder but arguably much more pervasive version of this is how much time and energy is invested into producing assets specifically for the sake of garnering and maintaining algorithmic momentum on social media. I poisoned my workflow by hyperfocusing on visuals at the cost of everything else...

Man. What kind of Fucked Up world is it that multiple people at this point seem so offended by the fact that I want to start my cover letters by saying "Hello". Unprofessional my ass. I hope you lose your job to a machine that forces you to manually fill in your employment history line-by-line.

It's Over man. When I type in "in" in my browser address bar that shit no longer autocompletes to Instagram but instead defaults to Indeed. I ain't slippin bro. I'm slipped.

I understand why they call it Coors “Banquet” now. Shit is made for kings.

It's World Bear Day today...

I've been doing more writing for my new game recently than I have in years. As much as I wish I could convince myself otherwise, I've come to peace with the fact that this is the part of making a game that engages me the most, and likely what I'm best at. I just wish I could get paid for it, is all.