Workin up some plans for Mongolia.

My cousin Crungus Ottis died in my arms and within seconds I received an email from Pizza Hut sending condolences for my loss.

Somewhere in the world right now…. whiteboys are conspiring.

ODed on an illegal psychedelic slug and in my fever dream I saw a vision of the future where Reddit gold is the only acceptable currency on Earth

Love it when a bitch talks Chungus to me

Moe Clone 667-D has suffered a caffeine overdose after drinking 537 cups of $15 coffee made by a bisexual in under an hour Please pray for him and consider donating your bone marrow

If a GBU-43/B MOAB bomb struck my house and killed me and my clones and my niece and my hog I wouldn’t even care I have a dead man’s switch that will immediately spawn a copy of my house and everyone and everything in it in the middle of Central Asia as soon as it is destroyed

Setting up a child application form. Will post later. If you want to be my child, please print it, fill it out, and shove it in a puddle of mud. The mole people will eventually deliver it to my doorstep.

Just put my cock and balls between two extremely powerful neodymium magnets and let them smash together This is the kind of shit I need to do to wake myself up when coffee doesn’t do the trick

The Canadian government has rejected my application for a Grinch hunting license again. Their excuse was some bullshit about my name being on INTERPOLs most wanted list Guess I’ll have to go rogue, I won’t let those green fuckers steal even a single snow globe

I’m the last remaining moderator of r/nosebleeds and I’ve been fighting with the reddit administrators to keep it open like it’s the fucking battle of Iwo Jima

I’m NOT sorry men.

I’m sorry women.

Just went to space and pissed into the sun because I’m sick of the heat!

In 8,611 days, my 9/11 museum membership card will expire. I only plan on living another 8,611 days.

I pass kidney stones for fun and for profit. I once ground one up into a fine powder and fed it to my cancer ridden 40 year old hog That was 20 years ago, he’s still with me today

Sometimes the dirt speaks a little Chinese to me

I have created the “Moe Cop” - similar to a Mall Cop but much better. My Moe Cops ride around and police other Moe clones. Sadly, I had to put an end to this little experiment due to increasing amount of racist remarks from the cops. I think I added too much LAPD blood.

Was in the park today doing sickass bmx tricks on my sickass bmx bike when I clipped a (not so sickass) toddler in the head at 22mph. @groktr.bsky.social what kind of appetizers are served best at a child’s funeral?

Got caught jelqing in my jorts at the Burbank Central Library. It might be over for me

For this year’s World AIDS day I carried out my annual tradition of beheading five Belgians, the people who created AIDS, in my backyard with a sharpened elephant tusk Let justice be done though the heavens fall

Invented a new shade of green yesterday. I awoke this morning to find the mutilated corpse of my pitbull-boar hybrid at my front door. The word “DON’T” was written across his body in glowing green paint. My rage is boundless and I will not stop until every Greenman is red

I left my back gate open and my niece got out and got torn apart by a wolves. Moe Clone 6 drew the short stick and will be on niece reconstruction duty. Hopefully he doesn’t give her a Portuguese nose like last time

Just uploaded a LiDAR scan of my boy-uterus to MoeOttis.com Please let me know if you need a higher detail model. Day or night, I’ll fucking be there for you.

All my surviving uncles are coming over to my place for Thanksgiving dinner. I can’t wait to feed them my new turkey-based food organism that I call the Hyper Turkey, containing real Turk DNA

All that is under Heaven belongs to Moe

I made a discord server for my dad’s ghost and all of his ghost friends. Sometimes I see them online playing Roblox and doxxing 6 year olds. I miss him every day.

Trying to mend things with my estranged crab wife by gifting her a set of crab armor made of gold and titanium I dream of riding her into battle against the Lobster King’s armies once more

If I drink enough McDonalds ketchup I can light up the night with just my smile. And I mean that in every sense of the word

I own the second most successful brothel in Manila

I got slutted out by Dracula when I was 25 and the trajectory of my life has only gone upwards since then

Just made 25 all donkey meat hotdogs with a side of taters fried in rat tallow for lunch. To my horror, I was shocked to taste a hint of fox meat in my dogs. I’m going to have a stern conversation with my donkey meat dealer about this. Just between me, him, and my 500 terawatt laser cannon

Was woken up today to a noise I have not heard in months. The whiteboy meetup alarm has been blaring at 206dB since 7am! My neighbor Darla tried to set my house on fire to get the alarm to stop but Korean Moe put an end to that with his dual-wield laser guns.

There’s blood in my piss and piss in my blood. Everything is as it should be

Just got word from God herself that when I die, I will be the first ever person to make it to heaven

Yeast Moe, a clone of myself made entirely of yeast, is nearly complete. You have no idea how many bakeries, breweries, and gynecology clinics I had to rob to get enough material for this. If I don’t get a Nobel for this, the Age of Fungus will come

I’m almost out of diet Fanta and the last time I ran out of diet Fanta, I woke up looking like this guy.

The eggs I laid hatched

Back when I worked for AT&T, I accidentally destroyed 28 servers when I sprayed milk all over them after violently laughing at a 9Gag post 9Gag ending up covering my legal fees during my wrongful termination suit against AT&T and provided the user “CheezburgerCat1990” as legal counsel I lost

I just received a cease and desist from Adobe for using their new photoshop AI feature to make my nuts hang slightly lower. If not terrorism, how do you address this?

UPDATE: Igbo Moe is now dating my ex crab wife. This is a love triangle that can only end with someone dying.

Just sold my Moe Laser Cannon to the Pentagon for half a trillion dollars. Little do they know that only a man who is pure of heart and soul may operate it, so it’s absolutely useless to them This money will finance the development of the second Moe Laser Cannon

Most people do not understand what a good Chinese cigarette can do for your sex life.

Got into a proper domestic with my new wife (ex-wife come tomorrow) about whether the Seleucid Empire or Abbasid Caliphate was superior Let’s just say that I’m going to have to buy new panes of glass for every window in my house

I’m passed the FUCK out in a Denny’s waiting room rn with my yellow bitch

When I was a marketing department lead for the Jeremy Renner App, I had an intern show up to work and shoot me point blank in the forehead just to cause some more interesting conversations at the water cooler. That place was so fucking boring.

To the maintenance guy who left his frog fleshlight on my kitchen counter, your days are numbered.

I’m eating all of the mushrooms growing in the corners of my basement until something cool happens

I really fucked up today. I used invisible shampoo on my dog and now he’s running amuck in the neighborhood. I’ve also been on hold with the invisible dog catchers for an hour. #ItsOnlyTuesday

Going to a Goblin party tonight. If anyone wants to come, please inject yourself with the fluid inside a glow stick and drown yourself in the LA River. When you come to, you will be in the Goblin Realm and I will be smiling at you with a big toothy grin