The Joker lives in my attic and never pays his rent on time

Might go to Vegas this weekend and see how many diseases I can acquire in 48 hours.

Bed bugs in my mattress? Not a problem. The way I see it, I’ve just been blessed with a delicious and proteinaceous midnight snack. Perception is reality, learn to smile

I’m on that good shit. That shit that makes you see infrared

Just read that new Honda cars will include a fun little feature that will jack you off/rub you out while you are driving. It’s part of their new “customer satisfaction” initiative and I am here for it

I’m learning more about Uncle Magic every day

I’ve got horse sense

Just saw a little boy at McDonalds watching video after video of old men getting ripped apart by dogs on an iPad while he was eating his Happy Meal Sheldon Sheinbaum is already working on the adoption application

When I was just a small tot, my grandmammy used to sprinkled a little pinch of carfentanyl over her apple pies to give it that extra kick and make sure the neighborhood kids kept coming back for more.

Been practicing my tip toeing lately.

I’ve been thinking about buying some slaves, anyone know someone who’s selling for a good deal?

Crab wife: cooked into Rangoon Good Uncle: slain Evil Uncle: resurrected Gun: to my head Bullet: in the chamber Finger: on the trigger Let’s rock and fucking roll

John Lennon is still alive and he tried to pay for my Guinness

Took out a cruise ship today.

The dogs have taken my eyes again

My birthday was on Monday, I’m finally older than 23% of my uncles and brothers were when they died

“I like my cheese drippy bruh” - Words my dead father said to me in my dream before curbstomping my head into red mush

I’m walking crabwise, I’m eating crabwise, I’m sleeping crabwise, and I’m making love crabwise

There’s nothing more embarrassing than dying with your dick out

I’m actually 20% dark matter but the Clintons would kill me if I provided proof.

A part of my mind has been trapped in England for a week and it’s made me hate white people 35% more.

I have a black belt in Taekwon-Moe. Is this anything? Hello? Anyone home?

I’m feeling a little Japaneasy today

Hekp me

I can see all the secret colors that God only allows shrimp to see now

Just broke into a UCLA chemistry lab and I’m gonna drink every yellow liquid I find Wish me luck

In a desperate attempt to fuck with my head, Man Cereal has used a photo of my missing Uncle McDongle in their new advertising campaign. He was last seen giving the best head in the world to a rabies victim. I miss him every fucking day. This company is pure evil.

Sometimes when I’m bored I lie down in my backyard and let the ants crawl all over me Sometimes they crawl into my ear and tell me to hurt people Sometimes I do it

Joe Chinese has invited me to his house warming backyard grill sesh this Friday. I think I might be falling in love.

Just got a new neighbor named Joe Chinese I think we’re gonna be great friends

I have a source who demands to remain anonymous that claims that Michael Jackson was Filipino He sent me a vial of DNA that I made into a Michael Jackson and my Filipino particle detectors were going off the charts He’s already had twelve attempts on his life

I’m like the Jared Fogle of Subway knowledge.

Mr. Beast killed me in my dream last night by stomping on my balls until I died of shock

My nephew Gunzo is being deployed as the only US ground troop in Iran. He is equipped with nothing but a M1 Garand and a stale Feastable™

I’m a super mega brain genius, I’m the smartest ma alive.

Mother’s Day is an imperialist and colonialist holiday and I will not be celebrating. I prefer Moe-ther’s day if you’re picking up what I’m putting down ha ha

The Man Cereal customer support team STILL has not responded to my urgent email. This is inexcusable and a blatant violation of international human rights law. I will be escalating this with my team of lawyers and this “company” will wish they’d never created their man-balls in the first place.

My cousin (totally forgot his name LOL) overdosed on a pack of the McDonalds BTS Meal sauce, but that won’t stop me from enjoying a 20 piece McNugget meal and blasting the sweet beats of Jin, Suga, J-Hope, RM, Jimin, V, and Jung Kook

Just detected someone sincere-posting. I may have to kill them.

I want to fuck an alien.

I’m not allowed within 500 yards of schools but for a totally normal reason, nothing creepy

Peeled all my skin off and threw it in the washing machine so I can feel a little fresher

I’m at least 29.8% related to most Latin American dictators, past present and future

Today, I carved the top of my head into a bowl shape, lobotomizing myself in the process. Currently eating some spaghetti alle vongole out of my new brain bowl. Cannot believe I didn’t think of this earlier in life.

Just invented a new type of meth that kills you instantly

I’m not apologizing for being a white man but I am apologizing for being bald

Just ate an entire gorilla bones and hair and everything. Didn’t even taste good, I only did it to stunt on those dumbass lesser primates

Caught Korean Moe on r/StevenUniverse telling a 13 year old queer teen to kill herself. As punishment, he will be cleaning the laboratory slime vat this evening, and I will NOT be reading him his favourite bed time story.

Just blew flocculent slime all over my room, gonna make Chiang Kai-shek lick it clean

Tomorrow I’m gonna wake up nice and early and tug on my nasty little pecker