I am the number one Alvin and the Chipmunks scholar in the universe

There was this French bitch I liked way more when she had brain damage.

They can’t tell me what I seen, cause only I know what I seen.

You have no idea what’s gonna happen when the Ottis Files are finally released. It might just end everything

Update: My crab wife is trying to get me killed by the crab yakuza.

Sometimes 48,000 people need to die in order to get your eggs cooked the way you want them. That’s just a fact of life and you cannot hold me accountable for it

@los-angeles-kings.bsky.social please give me back the jackal meat your security team confiscated from me at the Kings vs Oilers game in January.

Ordered Taco Bell and my door dash driver was a gray alien. #LAliving

I’m going to become Chinese for all the right reasons

I am NOT in the Epstein files. Please STOP MESSAGING ME. I eat babies strictly WITHOUT Jeffery. That is all.

This Friday, my niece will be streaming on Twitch. She is holding a class on how to become a pickup artist in the ghost dimension.

OSHA inspector tried to shut down my laboratory so I sealed him within the earth using the Curse of Osiris

Follow me on TikTok. I only post videos of my gnome doing a goatse.

My 18th wife left me because I kept editing Goku into the background of every picture we took together

I like it when slugs sing me songs

The Dawn soap corporation makes it seem like ducks are covered in oil on a daily basis

I’m like the white Michael Jackson, but I have never done anything untoward with children

I have Insane Clown Posse disease. The doctors say it’s incurable

Please call me the Mastermind or I might have another one of my spastic fits

Do you guys have any idea how much cum there is in Germany?

I killed JFK and Charles de Gaulle with one bullet.

I was brought into this world to be remembered. I don’t care what it ends being about, but it cannot be about the time I was slutted out by “Big Belly Billy”.

I have been arrested for planting 10,000 fig trees on my OWN PROPERTY. This country sickens me every day.

Nothing feels better than getting sucked off (BY AN ADULT) in the ball pit of an abandoned and decaying McDonalds

The 6000 foot tall laser cannon on top of my home has dedicated a dweeb in San Francisco. If you live in the Bay Area, please do not go outside for the next 2 hours.

My dream is to be the top moderator on r/AandW

Just had a whiny runt call himself “interesting” after he didn’t even admit to ONE perma-ban on r/penis

The hot waitress at Olive Garden didn’t accept my proposal and now I’m going to have to kill the earth.

In my experience the Japanese love fish a little too much

@macdonalds made a burger that doesn’t get crushed. I’m living in the future.

I used to play hockey for the Tennessee Thunder Warriors (don’t bother looking them up, all evidence of their existence was destroyed years ago) and I never had a single non-gay experience the entire time I was there

I had a small role in “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” (2012) that was cut for some reason. In the cafeteria fight scene, I called Ezra Miller a queer and then shot myself in the head with a desert eagle. The director has denied the scenes existence in 6 interviews over the last 15 years.

Just poured molten glass into my greasy gullet because I was bored

I just went to the London Drugs of China and they sell REAL fentanyl!

Today, I made use of the stand your ground law to defend my home from the top moderator of r/epicmealtime His cold lifeless body is slowly bleeding out on my porch as a write this. #WhatAWeek🙄

Spent last night fighting for my life in LA General after a green witch somehow entered the Moe laboratory. I will not rest until every green witch in LA is dead and buried.

Korean Moe is making me watch “Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back” for the 5th time this week. I am going to explode the chip in the back of his neck if he makes me watch it a sixth time.

Do any of you know how to stop eating 16 sleeves of Oreos when you wake up at 2am with the hunger of a thousand starved wolves?

I have a gun to my head. Happy new years! 💅

All the best from Bangladesh

I am literally foaming at the mouth because I am so excited to announce Moe-O’s, the new breakfast cereal that will literally blow your kids mind into 1,000 pieces. The first ten thousand boxes sold will have a zero-dimensional object as the prize at the bottom of the box.

MoeGPT went live this morning and has already led to 61 teen deaths. I’m on pace to beat the IDF at this point.

Just found 6 undiscovered species of hairless slugs in my toilet. Tonight just gets better and better.

Korean Moe got a sloppy kiss this morning for Christmas. He’s so cute.

Revived Moe Clone 44-J today. His decomposing body immediately woke up and suggested an “Elf Holocaust”. Going to be sitting my white ass down and learning tonight.

My anti-Santa weaponry was more successful this year. It managed to deter him without outright killing him, but he did still manage to sprinkle some coal dust down my chimney. Next year he is fucking toast

The elves have produced a document (Sheldon Sheinbaum is currently evaluating its veracity) claiming that the exact strip of territory that my house is built on (plus the underground lab system) was promised to them by the Elf God 3000 years ago What a load of fucking bullshit

Just got word that Rudolph has been diagnosed with chronic wasting disease. Sorry kids, Santa might get lost in the fog and fly into the side of One World Trade Center tonight.

My clones are currently undergoing peace talks with the elves. If this works out…. It does NOT mean I will allow an elf into my home. I learned that lesson hundreds of years ago.

My automatic anti-materiel rifle array system is programmed to detect and eliminate Christmas Cheer. He’s not going anywhere this year