In preparing for my indefinite hiatus, I’ve decided I am going to archive all my existing posts except the ones still spreading around. I am asking for your help determining which posts should stay so people can still find the original source. Please comment “Keep” on the posts you think should stay

I know I haven’t been posting again long, but I need to stop again. Social media is only going to get more toxic. People are only going to get more traumatized & lash out. Misplaced blame & anger are only going to become more common. It’s in my & my family’s best interests for me to bow out now.

People believe brain injuries can cause autism. The struggles of autistics & brain injury survivors can be almost impossible to tell apart, so the deficits CAN look a LOT alike. But autism is not just deficits & in my support groups I have not seen anyone develop similar BENEFITS after brain injury

How I learn I’ve been used again: Me: *Give😀* Me: *Give😀* Me: *Give🙂* Me: *Give🙂* Me: *Give🫤* Me: *Give😐* Me: *Give😒* Me: Hey, this seems one sided and I think that’s a problem Them: Wow you’re really selfish

There’s a line between supporting someone and being used by them, and I can’t always tell where that line is. I have, historically, allowed people to use me for a very long time thinking I’m just being supportive before I realize the only thing they like about me is what they can get out of me.

The word “public” gets used to describe both public property & privately owned establishments that are open to the public. A lot of trolls justify harassing me because my account is “public”. Righteously indignant fools have even told me I have no right to set any kind of boundaries bc it’s public.

We autistic people often lament about how unreasonable neurotypical people’s social expectations are, but the truth is those unreasonable expectations also come from each other. I mean it kinda makes sense, since a lot of us struggle with taking other people’s perspective - even each other’s.

“Think of how your post would make your followers feel!” Okay, side-stepping that this account isn’t about them.. I’m autistic lol. You expect me to be able to predict how other people will feel? 🫠 C’mon. I shouldn’t have to keep reminding people I’m autistic when that’s why you all follow me.

I am glad to know I am autistic. It helps me understand & take care of myself so much better than I did before. I am also glad I decided not to seek a formal diagnosis after discussing the pros & cons with my doctor several years ago. I am in fear for all formally diagnosed in America right now.

Based on my own experiences, I personally believe burnout is actually a mild brain injury from overuse. If we can injure every other parts of our bodies from overuse, why would our brains be any different? Burnout heals slowly, like a brain injury. I’ve experienced both, and this is my opinion.

There is a clear connection between autism and hypermobility. For years, I wondered how the same thing that causes autism could cause joint laxity? Made no sense But what if autism is actually hypermobility of brain waves? 🤔 Idk but it feels closer to making sense to me thinking of it this way

I just sat down and went through some records my paralegal has been needing me to look at for a few weeks. For some reason, the task intimidated me and I procrastinated on it so long, I’m surprised she still puts up with me. Anyway, it only took me like 90 seconds. This is the worst part of ADHD.

*Sets repeating alarm for 6:00 AM every weekday labeled TAKE MEDICATION 💊* Me at 10:00 PM: *Sets out morning meds on bedside table with drink so all I have to do is swallow them* Me at 6:00 AM: Hmm my phone is making random noise for no reason at all *Turns off alarm without looking at phone*

Selecting a jury as an autistic lawyer is a special kind of nightmare. I know other people don’t think like I do. I know I can’t trust them to draw the same conclusions I think are obvious. But I don’t understand how they DO think, and trying to predict how they’ll interpret the evidence is 😰🤞🙏🥴🫣🫠🥺🤯

Fact: I need to rest all weekend to make it through the week Fact: I constantly lie to myself about how much rest I need Fact: I’m always planning to do something on the weekend only to be shocked at how exhausted I already am when the time comes Fact: I want to do more, but need to rest more

How I thought cycle breaking would look: 1. Recognize cycle 2. Vow to break it 3. Do everything right instead How it actually looks: 1. Recognize cycle 2. Vow to break it 3. Freeze from not knowing what to do instead 4. Trial & error to figure it out over time 5. Accountability along the way

A lot of us (autistic people) are so blind to people’s flirting attempts that it takes aggressive pursuit for us to recognize someone’s interest. Unfortunately, that level of persistence is a red flag for potentially abusive or controlling behavior. Hence why we end up with abusive people so often.

I was watching tv when one character asked another “do you want to hang out with us sometime?” as an invitation & it gave me flashbacks. When I was younger, rather than an invitation, I’d interpret it as “don’t you wish you could have this” & felt vulnerable & would deny having any interest in it.

Bad day in court. Judge not only ruled against me but was condescending to me in front of my client. I know my relationship with our local judges is important & not knowing if/how/when to address things like this is soooo stressful. I’ve been in tears, not over losing, but over how/if to address it

✨5 Years Ago✨ Me: I’m having all these weird feelings/symptoms I can’t explain My Therapist: While you do have anxiety, those symptoms you’re describing aren’t from anxiety My Psychiatrist: You need a neurologist. What you’re describing is neurological. Neurologist: Sounds like anxiety

Person: How are you? Me: Okay. Fine. Terrible. Horrified. Great. Good. Depressed as hell. Hopeful as fuck. Blissfully unaware. Well, maybe not blissfully. Maybe anxiously unaware? Person: 😳 Me: I meant.. I don’t know? Person: Me too. Me too 😕

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about generational trauma and parenting trends. Each generation of parents seems to try to protect their children from some type of trauma they endured while still passing on a lot of other traumas. Let me see if I can ramble this out enough to make sense…

As a 40-something, it’s kinda wild seeing names I associated with my grandparents’ generation become popular baby names again. “Here’s a picture of baby Hazel with Grandma Jessica!”

In the 1960s when my dad was ~4 yrs old, my grandparents told his doctor he still wasn’t talking. The doctor said it was bc he was the baby of the family & he didn’t have to talk bc everyone did everything for him. He started speaking in full sentences at 5. But, sure, autism didn’t exist before 🙄

If you’re tired sad & scared Clap your hands 👏 👏 If you’re tired sad & scared Clap your hands 👏 👏 If you’re tired sad & scared And you do not feel prepared To be tired sad & scared Clap your hands 👏 👏

*sitting next to a total stranger at a professional seminar* Him: Hi! How you doing today? Me: Pretty good! How about you? Him: Good! How is your dad enjoying retirement? Me: (Oh no not again! How am I supposed to know this guy?!) Me: He’s loving it! Me: (Crap crap crap. I hate when this happens!!)

Apparently because I am also a brain injury survivor, I can’t get formally diagnosed with autism even if I want to. They said they wouldn’t be able to tell what was caused by autism vs brain injury. I told them I can tell them which symptoms I’ve always had & which are new or worse. Not good enough.

“Pardon me, I’m going to go to the bathroom real quick” I say to my colleagues at the same table in this seminar as I stand & quietly slip out as the speaker keeps talking. I do not need to go to the bathroom. I just need a people break. Bathroom breaks are more accepted than people breaks though.

“YOU SELF-DIAGNOSED OFF TIKTOK BECAUSE ITS TRENDY!” the simpletons scream at me unironically bc they saw a few things online claiming ‘everyone is self diagnosing off tiktok’ & accepted it as true without double checking 🫠 One of us ACTUALLY lets the internet do our thinking for us & it isn’t me 😘✌️

When I’m trying to remember where I put something, I ask myself where I was when I didn’t want to be holding it anymore & what was the closest clear surface to that location. Because apparently when I’m no longer interested in what I’m holding, I just put it in the 1st place possible & move on.

How I feel about certain textures: Coconut 🤮😖😕 Wet paper 🤢😫😢 Microfiber 🤬😵‍💫🥴 Cat tongue 😬☹️🫥

*Has a brilliant idea* Oh I better write this down! *rushes to open app* *goes to start typing* *tries to remember idea* Nothing *tries to remember topic?* Don’t remember *tries to remember vibe?* No clue *what was I thinking before?* Lol idk

So I have this weird thing where if my hands don’t have pressure on them when I’m trying to go to sleep I feel.. twitchy? They can be under my face, under my pillow, under my body, wrapped in the sheet. Just. Must. Have. Hand. Pressure. Honestly probably need leg pressure too but it’s not as easy

Sometimes I feel depressed & don’t know why. I have learned not to ask myself WHY I feel this way, but instead to ask myself WHEN I started feeling this way & WHAT had changed from before? When & what lead to insight. Why can lead to a downward spiral of self-loathing ending in deeper despair.

The neurodivergent experience of getting annoyed by people not knowing/understanding things that seem obvious to you… AND getting annoyed by people expecting you to know/understand things that aren’t obvious to you… AND engaging in self-reflection often enough to be aware of this hypocrisy.

Some people don’t seem to understand that autism is all about extremes. Hating noise & needing noise are equally autistic. Never speaking & speaking a lot are equally autistic. Struggling to be empathetic & being so empathetic it overwhelms you are equally autistic. Loving hugs & hating touch, too.

I grew up in a family that considered teasing a love language, that thought helping meant telling you what you’re doing wrong, and that discouraged me from sticking up for myself. This trained me to be ready for a fight every time I did stand up for myself. Unlearning it is a work in progress.

Me: Shares a story about my own life experiences Rando: “that narrative is harmful” What narrative? The story of my life? The story of my existence is harmful? No, telling someone THEIR story shouldn’t be shared is harmful. If you feel harmed by my story, get lost. Seriously. Like, right now.

The therapist my dad & I briefly saw was convinced his lack of empathy for me meant he had a personality disorder. She lectured him about being responsible for his own emotions & imagining how I feel. She told him he needed to change his routine to prioritize me while I recovered. It didn’t help…

A therapist who told me I can’t be autistic tried to convince me my dad is a sociopath due to his lack of empathy. My dad does struggle with empathy, but it’s not because he doesn’t care. He just has no idea how to respond to people’s emotions, so he distances himself until the emotions subside.

I am not capable of keeping up a charade 24/7 & never forgetting to stay in character. It was this realization that helped me stop gaslighting myself when I don’t feel well for awhile. No more “maybe I’m just trying to convince myself” because I would forget to maintain the lie at least sometimes.

I am constantly lying to myself about all the productive things I am going to do over the weekend. The weekend comes & I go into sloth mode. I expend as little energy as possible. The reality is I don’t have enough energy to be productive on weekends & need the rest to make it through each week.

There’s gotta be something wrong with my hands because I can almost never open packages properly. They almost always look like they’ve been ripped open by small child. Or… maybe packages just hate me and are always just messing with me 🤨 😝

I think I’m meant to hibernate in the winter months. I just *cannot* muster a regular amount of energy through the winter. Seasonal depression kicks in & half-assing everything is the best I can do. Having to push through the fatigue makes the depression even worse. Winter is a vicious cycle of sad.

Picking out clothes is the bane of my existence. I want to shower, but picking out what to put on after the shower is too daunting. The clothes I’m already wearing are too comfortable. Clothes I like disappear when I take them off and are just, like.. gone. Clothes are harder than they should be.

Success is not sustainable if it comes at the cost of wellness. Lots of us are only “succeeding” by neglecting all our other needs. We are just succeeding FOR NOW & we *will* eventually crash. This is why you can’t just assume we have low support needs. Sustainable success often requires support.

My autism and my ADHD clash over handwashing. My autism hates the cold. My ADHD refuses wait for the water to warm up. So I wash my hands in cold water going “OMG I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS AHHHH” and then it’s done

The faces I think I’m making: 😃🥰🤪😂☺️😉😋😎🥳 The faces I’m actually making: 😏😒🤨😬😐🥴😖🤓🫠

Me: There’s an unfamiliar task I need to do & I am nervous I won’t figure it out My brain: 🚨THAT TASK IS A THREAT TO OUR SAFETY! STAY AWAY!🚨 Me: No it’s not! Now I’ve been putting it off so long I’m almost out of time! Brain: ⚠️ 🛑🚨 Me: Great I gotta brut force my way through this task. Yay 😩😖

Several years ago, my son underwent a psychoeducational assessment to check for learning disorders. To my surprise, many of the results came back showing “traits associated with autism.” Those “traits associated with autism?” I recognized them all as things I do, too, and had thought were normal.