whoever keeps putting curses on the water heater in this building needs to get a new fucking hobby

my doctor gave me a list of foods i should add more to my diet and it's a real who's who of the most expensive foods at the grocery store

i can't wait to be an oven-roasted shell of a person for the next four days

bought a puzzle at goodwill and the person who donated it separated all the edge pieces into a ziploc bag and i've never been so offended in my fucking life

i've said it before and i'll say it again: i should be able to eat a gyro every day without consequences

i love a good nerd convention because what do you mean a jester covered in bells just walked by my house and it sounds like there's a fight outside but it's just the LARPers in the park up the street

the hotel parking garage guy who feeds my dog cheetos and handfuls of loose tuna was so psyched about all the cosplayers at portcon today

can't believe the restaurant that was also an indoor dog park only lasted six months

"still alive and that's the best i can offer" surprisingly not the vibe they were looking for when asking how i'm doing on the Teams call

read the gay hockey book to break my reading slump and it worked but also the gay hockey show was better

gold medalist at the I Need A New Job competition

you ever just wake up, open your eyes, and immediately see a wasp fly past your face

hey can we all make a pact to just like, be cool and stop killing pedestrians

if i never see the word needoh ever again it will be too fucking soon

a terrible thing has happened

god i can't wait for my markets to be over this weekend so i can delete the 97 info emails clogging up my inbox and go back to my library books

i love ordering stickers because you order a number and then they just send you how ever many they feel like sending you

glad i'm home alone because i just got a filling but i never ate breakfast so now i'm trying to eat pasta salad with a half-numb mouth and it's going about as well as you'd expect it to

nothing makes you more aware of your own bubble like a candidate you know literally nothing about winning

i love getting up early on weekends but sometimes that means it's not even noon yet and you've already had to call 911 for a stranger

it's marathon day and you know what that means: live cover band outside my house wailing on crazy by gnarls barkley at 8:30am

i obviously support planned parenthood but making your campaign url "ImForPP.org" is, objectively, the funniest shit i've ever seen

finally restocking the grocery list notepads people have been asking me about for 4 years and if no one buys them i'm doin' a crime

i'm going to die on this teams call

had 87 things to do today and instead i spent the whole day sleeping off the wrist headache i've had in ages 👌👌👌👌

"City residents will be surprised at the money — and the stress — they can save by trading in car keys for a bus pass." is a newspaper byline written by someone who, under no circumstances, has ever had to commute regularly via the bus

torn between glee that all the tourists terrorizing my neighborhood are getting poured on and irritation that my rare 3-day weekend had the most shit weather imaginable

why is molly mad today: i wasted my whole day and most of my lilac supply on some fuckass cookie recipe that turned out like shit !!

save me, Cold Dinner, you're my only hope

this weather is a hate crime

it's 5:30am and there's an entire women's lacrosse team having the loudest hackysack session you could ever imagine in this airport

every time i fly for work i always end up at the gate next to the flight going to cancun

new circle of hell just dropped and it's trying to backup procreate files to a pc

life hack: pack for your saturday trip on monday because you are an insane person but also because then friday night can be reserved for taking an edible and going to bed at 8pm

if anyone's looking for a 2br downtown, this man and his pomeranian vanished into thin air about 3 weeks ago and now his apartment is up for rent

going to conference next week where it'll be 85 degrees and i just thought i had more time before i had to remember how to exist as the sweatiest version of myself again

new favorite thing lately is how the scarborough marden's announces new inventory on facebook: A SMALL FAMILY-OWNED BOOK STORE BURNED DOWN, WE GOT THEIR BOOKS! A HARDWARE STORE GOT HIT BY A TORNADO, COME BUY A NEW OVEN!!

monday check-on: *narrowly* avoided dropping my earbud into my coffee but did *not* avoid getting chili oil in my eye

obsessed with travis who sends me emails with subject lines like "who's travis?" and is a permanent resident of my work spam folder

for being such an ~artsy~ city, there sure are a bullshit number of studio spaces to rent here

some really incredible stuff going down on fb marketplace lately

exciting update: i have purchased a heavy duty paper trimmer

was just thinking about how productive and pleasant and mentally stable i was feeling today and then i spilled my god damn olipop all over my god damn keyboard

i know i did it to myself for going to commercial st on purpose but i shouldn't have to deal with this many horrendous people for a roast beef sandwich

was put on hold while being transferred to someone else and the hold music said "while you wait, please enjoy the comedy of jeff foxworthy!" and i need everyone in my life to know i just had this experience

new business idea: laundromat for dishes

in a hell of my own making (trying to find a new wallet that is not too big but is also not too small)

no truer blessing than getting a concord coach seat to yourself

on today's episode of texting with your parents in your 30s:

all the good people left etsy because it sucks and now i don't know where to find cool shit anymore